Ask Natalie

DEAR NATALIE: I’m having a really hard time letting go of my marriage. My husband and I have been separated for about a year and it’s been very amicable. We both just fell out of love with each other. We were college sweethearts and now that we are both approaching 40, we realize we want different things. We have different interests and I don’t think we did the work investing in our marriage like we should have. The other night we were hanging out and he said that he wanted to give it one more try. He said he missed me but when we were together, he just ignored me. I miss him, too. I think we haven’t filed because we keep holding out hope that something could change. What do you think we should do? – SEPARATED AND SAD 

DEAR SEPARATED AND SAD: If you both still feel a little ember burning between you, why not try to nurture that flame by going to couples’ counseling? Commit to it for six months. See what it feels like to “date” each other again. Share with him what you just shared with me: That you have been living parallel lives instead of intersecting ones. It’s healthy and normal to have interests just for yourself. But, you have to grow together or you risk growing apart. I truly believe if the love and respect is there, then your relationship is worth fighting for. At least if you commit to trying, you will have a more definitive understanding of where you are in a few months. Then, you can decide which road to take. Good luck to you both. I am always rooting for love to win. 

DEAR NATALIE: How do you convince someone that they need more help than they are currently receiving? My aunt, who is aging gracefully but quickly, lives alone in her apartment. I often hear from her about how she unintentionally hurts herself by doing mundane tasks at home. She doesn’t reach out to ask for help until things have progressed past the point of injury. We’ve tried to convince her that she would thrive in a community living setting, but she refuses to seriously consider that possibility. Do you think this is a situation where we will just need to wait for her to want safety for herself or are there things we can do to move things forward? – AUNT NEEDS HELP 

DEAR AUNT NEEDS HELP: I can’t imagine someone telling me that I could no longer take care of myself and should go to an assisted facility. Can you imagine how that would impact your sense of self? Years of adulting, doing all the things – and now? You’re just supposed to get up and leave your home. Your community. Your routine. It would be quite a shock to the system. Try to meet her where she is. Does she have any friends who live in an assisted living facility? Perhaps visiting someone there would make it seem less overwhelming. I would continue to gently bring it up on occasion because as she continues to have issues, she may start to give in to the idea. People don’t like change. It can be scary to think of starting over, especially later in life. Would she be open to at-home support? Is that something she can afford? Perhaps that could be a first step that would bridge the gap and connect her to assistance without uprooting her. Aging, like my grandma used to say, isn’t for the weak. (And neither is being a caregiver to someone you love). 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been spending more time with one of my newer friends, which includes spending more time at her home with her husband. When we are all together, I’ve noticed that she lashes out at her husband with what sounds like verbal abuse. It’s super awkward to be in the room and I feel compelled to say something. I don’t think we’re at the level yet where it would be appropriate but maybe the level does not exist? As a newer friend, should I have a conversation with her about her behavior? – I DON’T LIKE IT

DEAR I DON’T LIKE IT: I don’t blame you and I wouldn’t like it, either. It is so uncomfortable when you are around people who verbally accost each other. I always think to myself, “If they speak this way in public, how on earth do they talk to each other in private?” Since you are new friends and new to this alarming dynamic, it is no wonder that you feel the need to speak up. I “should” encourage you to keep your opinions to yourself – especially if you want to keep this friend. But if I saw someone being verbally lashed for no good reason, it would be hard for me to just stand there and not make some snarky remark back. I don’t understand why people feel that they can treat others disrespectfully and not get any pushback. Yes, this is her marriage and her husband is the one putting up with it. There could be resentment there because of things he did in the past that is causing her to react this way now. I’m sure there’s a million reasons as to why she might justify treating him poorly in public. Or, she’s just a jerk. In which case, do you really care if you torch this friendship by standing up for him? Maybe a jolt of reality is what she needs. It’s Aries season, after all. Light it on fire.

DEAR NATALIE: I’m a late twenties city-dweller balancing multiple jobs and creative projects. I’m neurodivergent, and know that this important aspect of my identity informs my goals and the way I navigate the world. I don’t vibe with productivity culture, and I wish I didn’t have to have side hustles – or ever have to feel like I am “hustling” in general. But I still struggle with feeling like I can’t measure up to my peers who have accomplished more than I have or have more measurable success. I find myself comparing myself to people older than me, and becoming frustrated that more opportunities were available to them because they grew up in a different economic world. I know this comparison game isn’t useful, but I can’t shake this doomsday attitude about being able to make an impact on the world while also needing to pay my rent, student loans, etc. I’m disheartened by how economically unfeasible it feels to do the whole “buy a house, settle down” thing that I know people around me are doing. How do I shake off this energy so I don’t become angry and bitter with people in my life? It’s not conducive to building anything positive when I feel so negative. – NOT TRYING TO BE BITTER

DEAR NOT TRYING TO BE BITTER: You have every right to feel disillusioned and frustrated by the state of the world. I encourage you, however, not to compare yourself to other people. Everyone is on their own unique journey, facing their own internal and external battles. Assuming someone else has it easier – or worse – assuming an entire generation had it better is a surefire way to feel miserable. Instead, take a step back. What are the things in your life that you can control and work on? What are the things that bring you joy? Where are opportunities for growth that you can dig into? I find that reconnecting with my friends and hobbies that I enjoy helps to recenter me and ground me in the reality of the moment. It is easy to get caught up in the “what ifs” of life which can create anxiety and make you feel paralyzed. Start with small, incremental changes that help you form constructive habits over time. If you can’t run, walk. Can’t walk? Crawl. Just keep moving.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her new newsletter on Substack:

Facts Over Fear

DEAR NATALIE: I have a friend from childhood and we have grown apart over the years. She is a lovely person and I care about her greatly, but whenever we are together, all we do is talk about the past. We don’t really have much in common anymore. She has a big birthday coming up and her husband asked me to help him plan it since I’m her “oldest friend.” I think it is ridiculous to ask me considering we only see each other a few times a year – and it is awkward when we do. I feel as though she just doesn’t have many friends and so he is expecting me to be a big part of her celebration. How do I decline to help him with this event? I don’t have the interest or, frankly, the bandwidth.

– PLAN IT YOURSELF

DEAR PLAN IT YOURSELF: I can understand your feelings on this and also I understand why your friend’s husband would think you were a good choice to share in the planning of the event. While the relationship may not be as important to you at this point, she may feel differently and hold you in high regard. Nevertheless, you don’t have to commit to anything you don’t want to do. Perhaps you can handle one item like buying the cake or sending out the invitations? If you do something to stay involved without having to take on the full weight of the event, it may feel less stressful on your end and you may feel less resentful about the situation.

DEAR NATALIE: Have you ever heard of an “askhole?” It’s someone who bombs you with their problems and seemingly wants your advice but doesn’t take it, let alone internalizes when you offer it. This creates a heavy mental load for the receiver – me. I’ve recently been having trouble with an “askhole” whom I love, but I find myself having trouble sustaining the relationship. Is it worth bringing it up to this person who might not even hear me?

– WHAT AN ASKHOLE

DEAR WHAT AN ASKHOLE: We all know that old saying: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Stop indulging this person every time they ask for your advice. The next time that they call, don’t answer. You are allowed to set a boundary with this person. When they try to be an “askhole,” and want advice, just tell them you aren’t up for giving it. If they ask why, you are allowed to say, “You never listen anyway, so why make us both frustrated?” Is it a bit brutal? Maybe. But you have to break this cycle or you are never going to get out of this. Oftentimes, these people care very little about your life or your problems and it becomes less of a friendship and more transactional, like a therapy session. That isn’t fair to you and that isn’t friendship. Ask yourself: What do you get out of this? If you aren’t sure, take a big step back to reevaluate. Life is too short to deal with an ungrateful askhole.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her new newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear