Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mom just got engaged to a man she has been dating for about a year. Although he hasn’t done anything I know of to hurt my mother, I just get a mean vibe from the guy. She hasn’t dated much since she and my dad divorced several years ago, but I don’t recall having this bad feeling about anyone else she was seeing. Do I share my feelings with her before it’s too late? --- FUTURE STEPSON

DEAR FUTURE STEPSON: It’s possible you never had a weird vibe from any of your mom’s other suitors because none of them made it to the future husband stage. Unless you see evidence of his mistreating your mom, you need to allow her to make her own choices about her love life.

That said, don’t completely negate your instincts. Keep an eye out for any red flags, and leave the door wide open for Mom to reach out to you if things don’t go the way she hopes they will. If you bash her fiancé at this point, she may not choose to confide in you at a later date.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE'S MOM: When my friend and I decided to rent a two-bedroom apartment together we both had steady girlfriends. When things went south with his relationship he started "exploring his options," as he likes to put it. What that's meant is that I'm never sure who is going to turn up in our kitchen or living room in the morning, especially on weekends. It has rarely been the same girl twice, and we've already noticed things go missing from the apartment after some of his overnight visitors leave.

My girlfriend has begun to refuse coming over to my place because she doesn't feel safe with my roommate constantly bringing strangers home.

I pay half the rent, but don't feel much at home these days. My girlfriend and I are not in a position to move in together, so I feel stuck where I'm at. We still have nearly a year on the lease, but I'm thinking of bailing and taking my chances. Any suggestions to keep me from breaking a lease? --- HOMELESS AT HOME

DEAR HOMELESS AT HOME: You don't mention if you've spoken to your roommate about how you're feeling. If you haven't, he may not realize he's doing anything that's adversely affecting you.

It's disturbing that things are disappearing from your apartment, and if he's okay with that, you need to let him know you're not, and start locking your belongings up in your room if you can. Also let him know you're not comfortable bringing your girlfriend over.

If he brushes off your concerns, then it's time to tell him this arrangement isn't working and that you're going to start looking for someplace else to live. Hopefully you'll not end up having to break the lease, but feeling secure in your own home and being able to comfortably entertain guests are pretty basic priorities, and not too much to ask.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When I was a kid, my mom and dad always made sure Halloween was a big, fun deal for our family. My husband comes from a family with religious beliefs that Halloween is a bad thing, even a form of devil worship. Now that our oldest is old enough to go trick-or-treating, and even though my husband doesn’t still share his parents’ beliefs about the holiday and is okay with my taking our daughter out, he doesn’t think we should hand out candy. I really think he’s just being cheap, not principled. I’m planning on taking our daughter trick-or-treating, but I feel funny about no candy being given at our house. Should I give into guilt and keep our daughter home and that way at least I could hand out some candy? --- WOULD-BE TRICK-OR-TREAT MOM

DEAR WOULD-BE TRICK-OR-TREAT MOM: I say share your version of Halloween tomorrow night with your daughter and take her out trick-or-treating. If your husband wants to stay home and not answer the door, that’s up to him. You could try leaving a bowl of candy out so that at least some of the neighborhood kids get a treat. Believe it or not, I’ve seen this honor system offering work quite well in a several different neighborhoods when I was in the trick-or-treat mode with my own kids.