Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have a health freak girlfriend, who is insisting we hand out the veggie chips and vegan snack packs she spent a bundle on to the neighborhood trick or treaters. I bought two mega bags of those little candy bars that my mom always bought and handed out on Halloween.

I’m trying to convince my girlfriend our house will get egged if we try and give out her “treats.” She insists I return mine to the store, but I’m not going to do that and risk pissing off every kid in a six-block radius.

Don’t you think trick or treaters deserve real treats? --- READY FOR TRICK OR TREAT

DEAR READY FOR TRICK OR TREAT: Times are changing, and you may be surprised by what appeals to kids these days.

I see a very simple solution to this argument. Have two bowls ready, one with your girlfriend’s snacks, and one with your candy bars. Let the trick or treaters decide which they want. Undoubtedly, some will dip into both bowls, but by the end of the night, the leftovers will help prove which, if either of you, took the more accurate measure of the neighborhood kids’ treat preferences.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I married into a family with a construction business. It was by working there that I met my husband, who had come onboard to work with his dad and uncle a year or two earlier. By the time we got married, his sister was having her second child. She and her husband decided to have her stay home when number two came along, and they have had a third child since.

Before she became a fulltime at-home mom, she helped run the business, in much the same capacity as I do now. Even though she seems to have no intention of coming back into the front office anytime soon, she makes it clear that she resents my “taking over” her job, and drops hints that I’m just a suck-up who wants to make sure my husband takes over the business and the rest of the family will lose out, or something. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what her problem is.

Whatever the case, she started to refuse to be at family gatherings if she knows I am going to be there. It feels to my in-laws like they have to choose between her and me, and that is unfair to them. I’ve also heard from one of the cousins, the son of the co-owner, that she says some nasty stuff about me.

I do not want to cause trouble, but I also do not think I should put up with this treatment. Is it advisable for me to confront her about how she is treating me? --- SNUBBED SISTER-IN-LAW

DEAR SNUBBED SISTER-IN-LAW: It sounds to me as if your sister-in-law’s bile is likely being fueled by insecurity and jealousy. If an outsider had been hired to replace her when she transitioned to being home fulltime, it may not have bothered her as much. Outsiders come and go, but it’s potentially more complicated when family members replace one another.

It’s probably fairly obvious to others what’s going on, and I’m doubtful that an open confrontation will be to either your or your sister-in-law’s advantage. In fact, it might only result in your appearing to be the petty or insecure one. By quietly, patiently standing your ground you can more effectively prove that’s not the case, and that she’s the one who needs to do a little growing up.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My boyfriend can be the hardest-working guy I know, but then he drives me crazy, because even though he used to work in construction and knows tons about how to build and fix things, our place is always falling apart.

We have been needing a new floor in the master bedroom since we moved into the house, there’s a big hole in the master bath where a medicine chest is supposed to be, and the shower in the second bathroom needs a new head ─ to name a few of the repairs that need to be made. He keeps telling me he’ll get to it, and he never does.

This is probably the guy I will marry, but I don’t want to have to nag him all my life. Should I just forget asking him and live with the house as it is? --- JUST WANT IT FIXED

DEAR JUST WANT IT FIXED: In my experience, nagging rarely accomplishes much beyond creating even more tension and resentment.

Perhaps you should tell your boyfriend you’re thinking of hiring professionals to come in and get a few wish list items knocked off. And then be prepared to follow through on one or two of the smaller, more affordable jobs.

A dinged pride and shelling out money may provide the motivation your ongoing requests don’t; and even if taking action on your own doesn’t inspire your boyfriend to get busy, at least you’ll be making progress toward getting your home more comfortable for yourself.