Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I live with my grandparents for now. My dad got transferred to his company’s London office, and when my younger brothers, my mom, and my dad all went over there, I wanted to stay in our town so I can graduate from the high school I’ve been going to for the last three years.

When my parents were back home last month they met my boyfriend. For some reason, they decided they hate him and don’t want me to be seeing him anymore. They won’t tell me why, but they’ve been pressuring me to break up with him.

He has been at my grandparents’ house a bunch of times, and they always seemed to really like him, until my parents started in on him. Now they have started telling me how he isn’t the one for me.

I honestly don’t get it. I have met his family, and they are really nice people, and so is he. My parents only met him twice for a short time, and they decided there’s something wrong with him, or at least with my being with him.

I have never had problems with my parents not liking my friends before, so why are they starting now, when I finally have a boyfriend I really like and who seems to really like me? --- WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM?

DEAR WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM?: Since your parents didn’t share any specific reasons for disapproving of you having a boyfriend, I wonder if it’s because they’re not comfortable with you dating when they’re not around to keep an eye on things. In defense of your mom and dad, it may not be easy for them to be separated from you during this important time in your life.

So long as they haven’t forbidden your continuing to see your boyfriend, then consider giving them time to get used to this new situation. If your new relationship gets stronger, and he treats you with respect, then eventually your parents may become reconciled to your being with him.

Also, if your grandparents continue to be wary of your boyfriend, talking to them about why may give you some insight into where the adults are coming from. Be open to what they have to say, and in time, if the relationship seems like a healthy one to them and they regain their favorable opinion of your young man, then your grandparents could prove your strongest allies in convincing your parents they were hasty in their initial judgement.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have a health freak girlfriend, who is insisting we hand out the veggie chips and vegan snack packs she spent a bundle on to the neighborhood trick or treaters. I bought two mega bags of those little candy bars that my mom always bought and handed out on Halloween.

I’m trying to convince my girlfriend our house will get egged if we try and give out her “treats.” She insists I return mine to the store, but I’m not going to do that and risk pissing off every kid in a six-block radius.

Don’t you think trick or treaters deserve real treats? --- READY FOR TRICK OR TREAT

DEAR READY FOR TRICK OR TREAT: Times are changing, and you may be surprised by what appeals to kids these days.

I see a very simple solution to this argument. Have two bowls ready, one with your girlfriend’s snacks, and one with your candy bars. Let the trick or treaters decide which they want. Undoubtedly, some will dip into both bowls, but by the end of the night, the leftovers will help prove which, if either of you, took the more accurate measure of the neighborhood kids’ treat preferences.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I married into a family with a construction business. It was by working there that I met my husband, who had come onboard to work with his dad and uncle a year or two earlier. By the time we got married, his sister was having her second child. She and her husband decided to have her stay home when number two came along, and they have had a third child since.

Before she became a fulltime at-home mom, she helped run the business, in much the same capacity as I do now. Even though she seems to have no intention of coming back into the front office anytime soon, she makes it clear that she resents my “taking over” her job, and drops hints that I’m just a suck-up who wants to make sure my husband takes over the business and the rest of the family will lose out, or something. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what her problem is.

Whatever the case, she started to refuse to be at family gatherings if she knows I am going to be there. It feels to my in-laws like they have to choose between her and me, and that is unfair to them. I’ve also heard from one of the cousins, the son of the co-owner, that she says some nasty stuff about me.

I do not want to cause trouble, but I also do not think I should put up with this treatment. Is it advisable for me to confront her about how she is treating me? --- SNUBBED SISTER-IN-LAW

DEAR SNUBBED SISTER-IN-LAW: It sounds to me as if your sister-in-law’s bile is likely being fueled by insecurity and jealousy. If an outsider had been hired to replace her when she transitioned to being home fulltime, it may not have bothered her as much. Outsiders come and go, but it’s potentially more complicated when family members replace one another.

It’s probably fairly obvious to others what’s going on, and I’m doubtful that an open confrontation will be to either your or your sister-in-law’s advantage. In fact, it might only result in your appearing to be the petty or insecure one. By quietly, patiently standing your ground you can more effectively prove that’s not the case, and that she’s the one who needs to do a little growing up.