Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: All or lives, whenever we have an argument, I am always the one who ends up apologizing to my younger sister. I think it comes from when we were kids and my mother always took her side, because she is the “baby” of the family, and my mother made and still makes me feel like since I am the older sister, I should be the “grown-up,” and she stands by that even when it is totally clear my sister is in the wrong.

No matter how much I try to break this cycle, I am the one who backs down and I am tired of it. I have spoken to my mom and asked her to butt out, and although she did not take it well, she agreed. Now I have to let my sister know she is not always right. How do I do that, though, without starting yet another fight? --- NOT ALWAYS WRONG

DEAR NOT ALWAYS WRONG: It seems to me working it out with your mother to stay clear of future disagreements with your sister will prove a big step in the right direction. Now, it’s up to you to stand up for yourself and your opinions around your sister.

What I believe will be key is your making sure, as completely as you can, that you are indeed in the right, at least in objective areas of disagreement. Obviously, when the topic is subjective, you and your sister may never find common ground, but for your own peace of mind, rather than engaging, speak your piece and then walk away before a conflict can begin. Hopefully, she’ll quickly get the point of the new example you’re setting.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I get on pretty well with my fiancée’s two kids. Her son is 12 and her daughter is 7. They’ve tested me in their own ways, as I would expect, especially after having dated other women with kids, but overall, these two are good kids, and I look forward to having them in my life even more once their mom and I are married.

I do have one problem, which I don’t know how or if to bring up to my fiancée. After the last couple visits to my house by my future stepson, I noticed that the level in one of my liquor bottles was a lot lower than before the visits. It’s an expensive whisky, which I only drink on very special occasions, and I know I haven’t touched it since the day I proposed to my girlfriend and she said, “Yes.”

It isn’t that I care about the fact that it’s my most expensive bottle that’s being raided, but I do worry it may mean my future stepson has a problem with drinking. I’m not his dad yet, and I haven’t said anything to his mother yet. But do I start there, or go straight to him to let him know I have figured out what’s going on and to also let him know I’m not the enemy, but here for him? --- NEED HELP IN THE APPROACH

DEAR NEED HELP IN THE APPROACH: While there may be some benefit in approaching your future stepson “man-to-man,” I strongly believe his mother needs to be clued into what you think is happening. If he’s sneaking drinks at your place, it’s entirely possible he’s doing the same thing elsewhere, either at his own home or at the homes of friends or relatives.

After a private conversation with your future wife, hopefully the two of you can come up with a strategy on what to do next based on her knowledge of her son and your shared concerns.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my closest friend was turning 30, a bunch of us who have known her forever decided to celebrate in a big way. She’s been through some tough times with her health, and it still isn’t great, but a celebration at a local upscale restaurant was agreed on as a way to pamper and treat our friend.

Since I suggested the place, I didn’t mind making the arrangements and covering the down payment required for a party of our size. I figured the seven of us who came up with the idea would all pitch in and we discussed what everything would approximately cost and that it would be an even split.

We had the party and it was terrific. But, when it came time to divvy up the balance of the final cost of the meal, I calculated what each woman owed me based on an-eight way split paid six ways since I’d already covered the 15% down payment, which came to more than the share I was asking of everyone else.

For whatever reason, two of the other women thought I was dumping on them when it came to the final bill. They made some passive-aggressive “jokes” about my getting out of paying my fair share, and since then, I’ve gotten a cold vibe from them, even though they Venmoed their payments to me.

It kind of hurts, because not only did I pay more at the very start, but I also bought flowers for our friend and small favors for everyone.

Should I make a big deal out of the fact that I paid more than my share, or just let it go? --- PLAN TO NEVER PLAN A PARTY AGAIN

DEAR PLAN TO NEVER PLAN A PARTY AGAIN: If you took it upon yourself to buy the flowers and favors, then that becomes part of your gift to your friend, and not ammunition in your defense against the grousers.

As to covering more than your share of the meal, since it sounds like it’s only two out of the group who are making an issue of how the final cost was distributed, then perhaps you need to openly remind them that you did your paying up-front and even offer to get them a copy of the bill to help back your claim.

If that doesn’t work, I’d chalk it up to you can’t please everyone, especially if they’re inclined to suspect others of always trying to get one over on them.