Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I just visited my daughter and her family for the first time since the beginning of last year. She was still on maternity leave at that point, and has since returned to fulltime work at her job with a 45-minute commute each way.

While she prides herself on being a proficient multitasker, I can’t agree. So many things seemed to fall through the cracks, and at the end of the day, she was obviously more frustrated than fulfilled.

Even though I was able to take some of the strain off her by doing simple things like cooking dinner, running the baby and her four-year-old brother to daycare, and covering bath time in the evenings, I saw that my daughter, while grateful, still seemed exhausted and edgy by the end of the day.

Fortunately, her husband is very helpful, but his work requires him to be away from home for at least one week out of the month, and I know that throws my daughter off, as I saw since I was there during parts of both an at-home and an away week.

My daughter is such a good and loving parent, it bothers me that she is stretched so thin, she barely has time to enjoy her family, mostly because she’s trying to do so many things at once. I have no idea if this is affecting her work life, but it certainly is taking away from her homelife.

I have offered to visit more often once I retire at the end of the year, but I don’t know if that’s enough. How else do I get my daughter to slow down and take time to enjoy what is most precious in her life? --- MY DAUGHTER’S WEARING THIN

DEAR MY DAUGHTER’S WEARING THIN: It sounds like your daughter is in the same boat as many young moms and dads. It often just comes with the territory, but I can understand how it’s difficult for you to see as a parent and grandparent.

Perhaps at this point the best thing to do — provided it’s a welcome situation to your daughter and son-in-law — is to make good on your offer to visit more often when your schedule permits. Just knowing that the calvary’s going to arrive periodically could take some of the pressure and stress off the adults, and give you more enjoyable time with both your grandchildren and their busy parents.

To make the most of your visits, it may be good to speak with your daughter in advance to see if there’s anything in particular she wants to schedule while you’re around. Having Grandma coverage might make catching up on life outside work and home a touch easier.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Every time I come home, going back to when I was still in college, my mom gets excited to make me my favorite meals, especially her homemade mac and cheese. It is one of those 700 calorie per serving recipes, which worked really well when I was playing football, but not what I need now that I am trying to maintain a healthy weight.

I do not want to offend her, but every time I come home for a visit, I gain weight, and that is not a good thing. How do I let her know I just cannot eat like that anymore? --- TRYING TO EAT RIGHT

DEAR TRYING TO EAT RIGHT: First, a word in your mother’s defense. As you no longer live under her roof, she may not have any way to reasonably know what your daily routine looks like, so starting a conversation with her about your usual diet might be the best way to help her know what you now consider right for you.

Another option is the good old portion control rule. If Mom’s traditional mac and cheese is twice the caloric count you’re used to for a main meal, then take a smaller portion. That could serve as a hint to your mother that your eating habits have changed and provide you two an opening to discuss how you can continue to enjoy some of your favorite comfort foods while visiting home, and still keep truer to your preferred diet.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I didn’t tell my parents when I broke up with the girl I had been seeing for nearly two years. It was a friendly breakup, but I knew my parents, especially my mom, really liked her, and hoped we would stay together, and maybe even get married.

My mom called me last night and tore into me because she had run into my ex at the mall, and that is how she found out we weren’t together anymore. Not only is my mom disappointed, but she kept telling me how embarrassing it was to find out this way, by asking my ex when she and I would be coming over for dinner again.

Now I feel like a jerk, but I am also a grown man and do not think I have to tell my mommy every detail of my life. Am I wrong here? --- MY OWN BUSINESS

DEAR MY OWN BUSINESS: Yes, as an adult you’re entitled, and expected, to run your own life. But you also have to keep in mind that some aspects of your life spill over into other people’s as well. Not only was it awkward for your mom, but I’m betting it was no picnic for your ex-girlfriend either.

By keeping the breakup from your parents, you really accomplished nothing, because if your concern was upsetting your mom with unwelcome news, not only did she still hear it, but had the extra bonus of being put on the spot in a mutually unpleasant situation with your ex.

The takeaway here is that it’s generally better to break difficult news personally, and in a timely fashion.