Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When things slowed down because of the pandemic, my wife and I decided it was time to sell our upholstery business and retire. Unfortunately, we didn’t get the price we had hoped for, and that means we are needing to budget more than we expected in most areas of our life, including Christmas gifts.

We have eight grandchildren, and in the past we were able to spend about $100 each on them, splitting it up between something to go under the tree, and something for their stocking, either cash or gift cards, depending on their age and interests. This time around, we can only comfortably do about half that, and we feel bad about it, especially my wife, who is racking her brain to figure how to continue doing both a cash/gift card, and an openable gift.

We have not yet said anything to our own kids, because it does not seem to be their problem. But I have begun to think we should clue them in so that they can give the grandkids a little warning.

Do you think we should raise the issue with them, or just let it all roll out as it will? --- GRAMPS ON A BUDGET

DEAR GRAMPS ON A BUDGET: I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to let your own children know that things have changed now that you and your wife are retired. Although, my guess is they’ve already figured out that things would likely be changing for you.

You and your wife seem like very generous grandparents. But you also have to be realistic about your new situation. Hopefully, you’ll have a long, healthy retirement, and there seems to be no cause to put yourself in an uncomfortable spot financially during the holidays; and you shouldn’t feel guilty about not splurging as you formerly did. Depending on how old your grandchildren are, they may be either too young to notice anything’s different, or old enough to understand that the amount spent on them once a year is not a reflection of how much you care about them.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My parents gave up a lot to put me through college and then law school. They did what they could to pay as I went along, so there would be next to no loans to repay, and their plan worked.

But the thing is, now that I have been working in the legal field, I am beginning to believe it just isn’t for me. I am having a hard time seeing myself sticking with it for the next 20 or 30 years. I just do not have the personality for it.

I am afraid it will break my parents’ hearts to know they went without vacations, new cars, and putting more in their retirement funds so they could give me an education. At the time I really loved studying the law, and had an overall good internship experience, although some of what I learned during it began to seed my doubts. Now that I’m with a general practice law firm, and reality has set in, it is already getting hard to go into the office every day.

How do I break this change of heart to my parents? --- THE LAW’S NOT FOR ME

DEAR THE LAW’S NOT FOR ME: While I’d bet your parents want you to be happy, I’d also bet they’d want you to give the job a chance. There’s often a period or process of adjustment to be faced when the realities of an idea or ambition kick in. This isn’t to say you should lock yourself into a life of unhappiness in your career. Perhaps you could explore other firms or types of practices that might appeal more to your personality and strengths.

If after a year or so, you’re still feeling the law isn’t for you, then begin looking around for something that will be a better fit, and be honest with your parents. They’ve been behind you so far, hopefully they’ll go with the flow on what comes next, especially if you can demonstrate to them that you truly did give it an honest shot.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I know this sounds really weird, but my grandmother has a death photo of her grandmother. In it my dead great-great-grandmother is surrounded by her own children, grandchildren, and husband. My grandmother proudly displays this morbid picture on the mantel in her living room. It’s creeped me out since I was old enough to get what the picture was, and I know it has always bugged my dad, who had to grow up with it. Last time we visited my grandmother, my 10-year-old also figured it out, and she cried in the car all the way home when I confirmed what she thought.

My grandmother is in her 90s, and I know she isn’t going to change, especially since she hasn’t taken the photo down when she’s been asked to in the past by several family members. But I have told my dad that I am not bringing my kids to her house anymore if she refuses to either take down or cover the picture. I can kind of take it, but I am not going to force my kids to see it again.

Do you think I am overreacting? --- NOT FOR MY KIDS

DEAR NOT FOR MY KIDS: For decades postmortem photographs were fairly common, and in their day weren’t considered morbid, as they are now. Rather they were meant to bring comfort in grief and help memorialize the departed.

That said, I can certainly understand your feelings about the photo your grandmother has prominently on display. It might help a bit if you explained to your 10-year-old a little of the history of the practice. It may not creep her out any less, but it could give her some insight into her great-grandmother’s probable motive for having such an image in her home, especially since there’s a good chance it shows people she knew in her younger days, and for her is a sort of family heirloom.

Since it clearly bothers you a good deal, it doesn’t seem to me like an overreaction for you to choose not to bring your children along for visits to your grandmother’s house. What would be sad, however, is if you cut her off from spending time with you and her great-grandkids entirely. Hopefully, you’ll be able to meet up with her at other locations, where your children can focus more on seeing her, and not her household decor.