Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My boyfriend and I spend a lot of time talking about how ready we are to take the “next step.” We have been together long enough to know we want to get married, and I know he has his heart set on doing a big deal proposal. I think that would be fun and fine, but the problem is, I really think he wants to do it in front of a lot of people on either Christmas or New Year’s Day. Those are times we get together with family and friends, usually at open house parties we take turns throwing. He made sure we volunteered to host the Christmas Day one, and he has worked it so that his parents are doing the New Year’s one.

For one thing, I do not want to have people think we are trying to steal the spotlight from the holidays, and for another, both families had some hard times this past year, and I feel like it would be disrespectful if it looks like we are saying, “Be happy for us, even though you are not feeling it.”

I really do not want to burst his bubble, but don’t you think he could pick a better time to publicly propose? --- NOT RIGHT NOW

DEAR NOT RIGHT NOW: It might be that the reason your boyfriend is thinking about proposing during the holidays is not so much to rob them of their significance, or to force people who are having a rough time to be falsely upbeat, but rather because he feels that a little good news could go a long way to help lighten things up for at least some of those in your closest circle of family and friends.

As it doesn’t seem like any proposal at this time would be much of a surprise to you, I believe you need to speak to him directly about his plans. By giving him a chance to explain what he has in mind and why he thinks it’s a good idea, you may find you agree with him. If you don’t, you can share your reasons for wanting him to come up with another proposal plan.

Being able to talk to each other openly, respectfully, and honestly is something you need to be able to do, not just now, but for the rest of your life together.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When things slowed down because of the pandemic, my wife and I decided it was time to sell our upholstery business and retire. Unfortunately, we didn’t get the price we had hoped for, and that means we are needing to budget more than we expected in most areas of our life, including Christmas gifts.

We have eight grandchildren, and in the past we were able to spend about $100 each on them, splitting it up between something to go under the tree, and something for their stocking, either cash or gift cards, depending on their age and interests. This time around, we can only comfortably do about half that, and we feel bad about it, especially my wife, who is racking her brain to figure how to continue doing both a cash/gift card, and an openable gift.

We have not yet said anything to our own kids, because it does not seem to be their problem. But I have begun to think we should clue them in so that they can give the grandkids a little warning.

Do you think we should raise the issue with them, or just let it all roll out as it will? --- GRAMPS ON A BUDGET

DEAR GRAMPS ON A BUDGET: I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to let your own children know that things have changed now that you and your wife are retired. Although, my guess is they’ve already figured out that things would likely be changing for you.

You and your wife seem like very generous grandparents. But you also have to be realistic about your new situation. Hopefully, you’ll have a long, healthy retirement, and there seems to be no cause to put yourself in an uncomfortable spot financially during the holidays; and you shouldn’t feel guilty about not splurging as you formerly did. Depending on how old your grandchildren are, they may be either too young to notice anything’s different, or old enough to understand that the amount spent on them once a year is not a reflection of how much you care about them.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My parents gave up a lot to put me through college and then law school. They did what they could to pay as I went along, so there would be next to no loans to repay, and their plan worked.

But the thing is, now that I have been working in the legal field, I am beginning to believe it just isn’t for me. I am having a hard time seeing myself sticking with it for the next 20 or 30 years. I just do not have the personality for it.

I am afraid it will break my parents’ hearts to know they went without vacations, new cars, and putting more in their retirement funds so they could give me an education. At the time I really loved studying the law, and had an overall good internship experience, although some of what I learned during it began to seed my doubts. Now that I’m with a general practice law firm, and reality has set in, it is already getting hard to go into the office every day.

How do I break this change of heart to my parents? --- THE LAW’S NOT FOR ME

DEAR THE LAW’S NOT FOR ME: While I’d bet your parents want you to be happy, I’d also bet they’d want you to give the job a chance. There’s often a period or process of adjustment to be faced when the realities of an idea or ambition kick in. This isn’t to say you should lock yourself into a life of unhappiness in your career. Perhaps you could explore other firms or types of practices that might appeal more to your personality and strengths.

If after a year or so, you’re still feeling the law isn’t for you, then begin looking around for something that will be a better fit, and be honest with your parents. They’ve been behind you so far, hopefully they’ll go with the flow on what comes next, especially if you can demonstrate to them that you truly did give it an honest shot.