Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I honestly don’t get why my parents, who are vaccinated and boostered and in good health, still won’t travel to see my family and me for the holidays. This is the second year in a row, and even though I know it wasn’t possible to come last year, I think their fears are unreasonable at this point. My husband and I are also vaccinated, and our two school-age kids had their shots two weeks after the CDC gave the green light.

My mom says she and my dad aren’t comfortable flying, especially since they’re convinced my uncle got COVID that way. He was barely symptomatic, and I suspect he caught the virus at work, not on a commercial flight.

I am working hard to be understanding, but I am hurt, because I believe they could safely make the trip if they really wanted to. Are they being selfish or am I? --- POED AT PARENTS

DEAR POED AT PARENTS: Hard as it may be to not take it personally, I think you should do just that — not take it personally. Many people, especially older adults, are still leery of venturing out of their comfort zone. We’re closing in on two years of COVID-thinking and precautions, and just as it’s been a process to adjust to frequently changing guidelines and recommendations, it’s going to take time to get back to a more normal way of living, especially when visiting places beyond daily destinations near home and work.

Perhaps it’ll be more feasible for your parents to visit you in the early part of next year. It won’t be the same as a holiday visit, but hopefully it’ll still prove a good time for all.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I love my husband immensely. He is a very, very intelligent man with many achievements in many areas of life. He is already an ordained Zen monk, and is now studying to be an Episcopal priest. He also has a brand-new job, and is going through a lot of strenuous training to learn it (at the age of 61). I have no question that he is a dedicated learner, a smart guy, and immensely mentally capable.

The thing is, we’ve been living in the same small cottage for 20 years, and over time it’s just gotten much too congested. Every time I try and have a conversation about what we can do to improve it, he gets belligerent and starts nay-saying all my ideas. When I try to explain my reasons, he says I’m “discounting his opinion”, and things like, “I don’t know why I let myself get pulled into these conversations.”

Part of me is feeling neglected, that he can spend countless hours reading literally thousands of books about religious studies, yet he can’t even spare half an hour to meaningfully discuss improving our home — where we LIVE — without it turning into an argument. I’m left with the feeling that I should just go ahead and do whatever I want (of course then the work is all on me) to improve the house, without discussing it with him, since he seems to feel so put-upon by my wanting to talk with him about it. Of course, that will be worked into later arguments, when he says, “You always just go ahead and do what you want anyway. Why ask me about it?” So you see, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

In the past, when I wanted to update the kitchen, he acted the same way. So I painted the kitchen, put down flooring, and made the curtains myself. I saved for ten years to buy a new refrigerator. Now, he says he likes the kitchen. But I did everything myself. If I had waited for him to help me plan and execute the plan, we would still have the nasty old kitchen.

We don’t have money for official counseling, and honestly we don’t have money to pay someone else to come in and fix our house. This is going to be a DIY project, or not at all. I am willing to sell, get rid of, or repurpose/move my own items as well as his. It’s not a case of me just saying all his stuff has to go. I am seriously looking for a fair and equitable way to make the most of the small space we have to work with. Both of us have already gone through our closets and donated excess clothing. The stuff that remains to be dealt with is larger — furniture and storage for music and movies, etc.

I feel both frustrated and disheartened, and I don't want to end up in my 80s still living in a cluttered house, when I’m too old to physically get things done. I’m also sad that he can put so much effort into a part of his life that has nothing to do with me, and no effort into the part of our lives that we share.

Any advice you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. --- Big Life in a Small Space

DEAR Big Life in a Small Space: I’ve often observed that many of society’s greatest movers and shakers, and even those who have more modest but constant life pursuits, have had less than successful personal lives.

Like you, I applaud your husband’s drive to live a life of purpose, but there’s also the very old saying that “charity begins at home.” Perhaps it’s time to remind him of this precept. The approach may make more sense to him if he starts to grasp that his spiritual and intellectual quests can’t be complete without his providing emotional and material support to you, his life partner.

If that doesn’t do the trick, then just as you successfully, if gradually, got the kitchen you wanted, I think you need to carry on your decluttering without his help. He’s chosen his role in life, and I see no reason you shouldn’t pursue yours as the leader in all things domestic. And since he doesn’t appear to be overly attached to worldly things, he shouldn’t mind if you relocate some of the clutter-causing items to a storage unit or other location where they’ll be out of sight.

If he doesn’t miss them, hopefully he’ll accept he’ll be fine without them permanently and acknowledge your home’s enhanced comfortableness, just as he appreciated the kitchen when it was more functional and pleasant.

Besides, renting a storage unit is a lot less expensive than professional counselling, and would help make your home more livable for you.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My boyfriend and I spend a lot of time talking about how ready we are to take the “next step.” We have been together long enough to know we want to get married, and I know he has his heart set on doing a big deal proposal. I think that would be fun and fine, but the problem is, I really think he wants to do it in front of a lot of people on either Christmas or New Year’s Day. Those are times we get together with family and friends, usually at open house parties we take turns throwing. He made sure we volunteered to host the Christmas Day one, and he has worked it so that his parents are doing the New Year’s one.

For one thing, I do not want to have people think we are trying to steal the spotlight from the holidays, and for another, both families had some hard times this past year, and I feel like it would be disrespectful if it looks like we are saying, “Be happy for us, even though you are not feeling it.”

I really do not want to burst his bubble, but don’t you think he could pick a better time to publicly propose? --- NOT RIGHT NOW

DEAR NOT RIGHT NOW: It might be that the reason your boyfriend is thinking about proposing during the holidays is not so much to rob them of their significance, or to force people who are having a rough time to be falsely upbeat, but rather because he feels that a little good news could go a long way to help lighten things up for at least some of those in your closest circle of family and friends.

As it doesn’t seem like any proposal at this time would be much of a surprise to you, I believe you need to speak to him directly about his plans. By giving him a chance to explain what he has in mind and why he thinks it’s a good idea, you may find you agree with him. If you don’t, you can share your reasons for wanting him to come up with another proposal plan.

Being able to talk to each other openly, respectfully, and honestly is something you need to be able to do, not just now, but for the rest of your life together.