DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter is now 20. She became rebellious in high school and took up with bad friends, one boyfriend in particular (now 19). They smoked pot and probably experimented with other things. I know the guy is an experienced drug user, 8th grade dropout — the absolute worst.

My daughter came home at 19, pregnant and crying, we took her in as long as the toxic relationship ended. It did for a while. She hid it from us, but they had some sort of on-again-off-again relationship.

She ended up joining the military, and we agreed to care for her child while she was in bootcamp and training. She just left with the child to her first assignment. Within days he joined her. She never told us, we found out from others.

It seems he has begun controlling her. She is not responding to texts from her best friend. She has responded to mine but only with brief one-word responses (not like her).

My husband is done. He says he feels like burning her stuff that she left behind and taking down her pictures. She lied to us all along and this is what she wanted.

I say we should keep trying to reach out to her. I emailed her and gave her names of organizations that help women in domestic violence issues — just in case she ever needs them. I did not get a response. He may be controlling her email and phone.

We are heartbroken. Any advice? --- HEARTBROKEN

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I can understand both your continuing need to reach out to your daughter and your husband’s desire to cut and run. It’s what you each need to do to deal with a painful situation that you can only stand by and watch unfold.

While your sharing information on organizations dealing with domestic violence was well-intentioned, it possibly backfired if neither your daughter nor her boyfriend feels there is any abuse going on; in which case it comes off as your being an interfering busybody. You clearly loathe him, but he is the father of your grandchild, and has both legal rights and responsibilities connected with that role.

A less potentially inflammatory tact might be to try and maintain general, neutral communications with your daughter — no matter how cursory or curt her responses are. As a parent and grandparent, you have a natural desire to keep in touch and be part of the lives of your loved ones. Occasional video visits to enjoy your grandchild could serve to let you be part of their lives, gauge how everyone is doing, and help reinforce that you’re there for your daughter and her baby.

If her boyfriend is just along for the ride and not to help take care of their child, he’ll soon realize that unless he’s married to a service member, he’s largely invisible in the eyes of the military. If they do get married, he’s likely to be further surprised that benefits for non-officers are not the Easy Street he may’ve imagined.

Finally, your daughter can’t help but be aware of the military’s zero tolerance for illicit drug use of any kind (including marijuana). If caught using, she’d probably face dishonorable discharge and perhaps criminal charges. Hopefully, this regulation will prove a deterrent to her use of any illegal drugs during her enlistment.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I honestly don’t get why my parents, who are vaccinated and boostered and in good health, still won’t travel to see my family and me for the holidays. This is the second year in a row, and even though I know it wasn’t possible to come last year, I think their fears are unreasonable at this point. My husband and I are also vaccinated, and our two school-age kids had their shots two weeks after the CDC gave the green light.

My mom says she and my dad aren’t comfortable flying, especially since they’re convinced my uncle got COVID that way. He was barely symptomatic, and I suspect he caught the virus at work, not on a commercial flight.

I am working hard to be understanding, but I am hurt, because I believe they could safely make the trip if they really wanted to. Are they being selfish or am I? --- POED AT PARENTS

DEAR POED AT PARENTS: Hard as it may be to not take it personally, I think you should do just that — not take it personally. Many people, especially older adults, are still leery of venturing out of their comfort zone. We’re closing in on two years of COVID-thinking and precautions, and just as it’s been a process to adjust to frequently changing guidelines and recommendations, it’s going to take time to get back to a more normal way of living, especially when visiting places beyond daily destinations near home and work.

Perhaps it’ll be more feasible for your parents to visit you in the early part of next year. It won’t be the same as a holiday visit, but hopefully it’ll still prove a good time for all.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I love my husband immensely. He is a very, very intelligent man with many achievements in many areas of life. He is already an ordained Zen monk, and is now studying to be an Episcopal priest. He also has a brand-new job, and is going through a lot of strenuous training to learn it (at the age of 61). I have no question that he is a dedicated learner, a smart guy, and immensely mentally capable.

The thing is, we’ve been living in the same small cottage for 20 years, and over time it’s just gotten much too congested. Every time I try and have a conversation about what we can do to improve it, he gets belligerent and starts nay-saying all my ideas. When I try to explain my reasons, he says I’m “discounting his opinion”, and things like, “I don’t know why I let myself get pulled into these conversations.”

Part of me is feeling neglected, that he can spend countless hours reading literally thousands of books about religious studies, yet he can’t even spare half an hour to meaningfully discuss improving our home — where we LIVE — without it turning into an argument. I’m left with the feeling that I should just go ahead and do whatever I want (of course then the work is all on me) to improve the house, without discussing it with him, since he seems to feel so put-upon by my wanting to talk with him about it. Of course, that will be worked into later arguments, when he says, “You always just go ahead and do what you want anyway. Why ask me about it?” So you see, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

In the past, when I wanted to update the kitchen, he acted the same way. So I painted the kitchen, put down flooring, and made the curtains myself. I saved for ten years to buy a new refrigerator. Now, he says he likes the kitchen. But I did everything myself. If I had waited for him to help me plan and execute the plan, we would still have the nasty old kitchen.

We don’t have money for official counseling, and honestly we don’t have money to pay someone else to come in and fix our house. This is going to be a DIY project, or not at all. I am willing to sell, get rid of, or repurpose/move my own items as well as his. It’s not a case of me just saying all his stuff has to go. I am seriously looking for a fair and equitable way to make the most of the small space we have to work with. Both of us have already gone through our closets and donated excess clothing. The stuff that remains to be dealt with is larger — furniture and storage for music and movies, etc.

I feel both frustrated and disheartened, and I don't want to end up in my 80s still living in a cluttered house, when I’m too old to physically get things done. I’m also sad that he can put so much effort into a part of his life that has nothing to do with me, and no effort into the part of our lives that we share.

Any advice you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. --- Big Life in a Small Space

DEAR Big Life in a Small Space: I’ve often observed that many of society’s greatest movers and shakers, and even those who have more modest but constant life pursuits, have had less than successful personal lives.

Like you, I applaud your husband’s drive to live a life of purpose, but there’s also the very old saying that “charity begins at home.” Perhaps it’s time to remind him of this precept. The approach may make more sense to him if he starts to grasp that his spiritual and intellectual quests can’t be complete without his providing emotional and material support to you, his life partner.

If that doesn’t do the trick, then just as you successfully, if gradually, got the kitchen you wanted, I think you need to carry on your decluttering without his help. He’s chosen his role in life, and I see no reason you shouldn’t pursue yours as the leader in all things domestic. And since he doesn’t appear to be overly attached to worldly things, he shouldn’t mind if you relocate some of the clutter-causing items to a storage unit or other location where they’ll be out of sight.

If he doesn’t miss them, hopefully he’ll accept he’ll be fine without them permanently and acknowledge your home’s enhanced comfortableness, just as he appreciated the kitchen when it was more functional and pleasant.

Besides, renting a storage unit is a lot less expensive than professional counselling, and would help make your home more livable for you.