Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My grandpa is one of the greatest guys I’ll ever know. He made it through WWII and has gotten to hold five great-grandbabies.

He’s had some bad falls over the last year, and had to move into a nursing home. My dad told me and my sisters that the doctors say he is in decline and that he may only have a few more months, maybe a year.

Knowing that our grandfather will not be around for long has been rough on us all. Our family is very close. Since we were all old enough to be working regular jobs and able to afford it, all us grandkids have chipped in together to get our grandfather something special for Christmas, like a couple of nice vacations when he was better able to get around, things for his house that he really needed, and taking turns doing his yardwork and heavy housecleaning throughout the year. That kind of stuff.

This year we really, really want to do something extra-special for him, but can’t figure out what that might be now that he is in the nursing home. Any suggestions are welcome. --- WANT TO MAKE IT SPECIAL

DEAR WANT TO MAKE IT SPECIAL: It sounds like you’re part of a loving, caring family. Hopefully, your grandfather can appreciate and take satisfaction in the knowledge that he’s helped give roots to your fine family tree.

Something that’s likely to give joy, or at least comfort, to his final days is the chance to see his loved ones as often as you are able to visit him. Given the ongoing pandemic conditions, there will probably continue to be times that you’re limited in how you can be with your grandfather. But even if you aren’t always able to visit him in person, there ought to be the option to arrange video chats to help you stay in touch and reinforce how loved and valued he is.

If you don’t already, during your talks with him you should make a habit of asking for anything he especially needs or wants. Dietary restrictions permitting, there might be some favorite food treats he’s been missing. There could also be a few things on his bucket list that it may be in your power to grant, even if only in a modified way.

Photo albums/books, frequent phone calls, and mailed cards or letters are also ways to help him feel less separated from his family.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter is now 20. She became rebellious in high school and took up with bad friends, one boyfriend in particular (now 19). They smoked pot and probably experimented with other things. I know the guy is an experienced drug user, 8th grade dropout — the absolute worst.

My daughter came home at 19, pregnant and crying, we took her in as long as the toxic relationship ended. It did for a while. She hid it from us, but they had some sort of on-again-off-again relationship.

She ended up joining the military, and we agreed to care for her child while she was in bootcamp and training. She just left with the child to her first assignment. Within days he joined her. She never told us, we found out from others.

It seems he has begun controlling her. She is not responding to texts from her best friend. She has responded to mine but only with brief one-word responses (not like her).

My husband is done. He says he feels like burning her stuff that she left behind and taking down her pictures. She lied to us all along and this is what she wanted.

I say we should keep trying to reach out to her. I emailed her and gave her names of organizations that help women in domestic violence issues — just in case she ever needs them. I did not get a response. He may be controlling her email and phone.

We are heartbroken. Any advice? --- HEARTBROKEN

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I can understand both your continuing need to reach out to your daughter and your husband’s desire to cut and run. It’s what you each need to do to deal with a painful situation that you can only stand by and watch unfold.

While your sharing information on organizations dealing with domestic violence was well-intentioned, it possibly backfired if neither your daughter nor her boyfriend feels there is any abuse going on; in which case it comes off as your being an interfering busybody. You clearly loathe him, but he is the father of your grandchild, and has both legal rights and responsibilities connected with that role.

A less potentially inflammatory tact might be to try and maintain general, neutral communications with your daughter — no matter how cursory or curt her responses are. As a parent and grandparent, you have a natural desire to keep in touch and be part of the lives of your loved ones. Occasional video visits to enjoy your grandchild could serve to let you be part of their lives, gauge how everyone is doing, and help reinforce that you’re there for your daughter and her baby.

If her boyfriend is just along for the ride and not to help take care of their child, he’ll soon realize that unless he’s married to a service member, he’s largely invisible in the eyes of the military. If they do get married, he’s likely to be further surprised that benefits for non-officers are not the Easy Street he may’ve imagined.

Finally, your daughter can’t help but be aware of the military’s zero tolerance for illicit drug use of any kind (including marijuana). If caught using, she’d probably face dishonorable discharge and perhaps criminal charges. Hopefully, this regulation will prove a deterrent to her use of any illegal drugs during her enlistment.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I honestly don’t get why my parents, who are vaccinated and boostered and in good health, still won’t travel to see my family and me for the holidays. This is the second year in a row, and even though I know it wasn’t possible to come last year, I think their fears are unreasonable at this point. My husband and I are also vaccinated, and our two school-age kids had their shots two weeks after the CDC gave the green light.

My mom says she and my dad aren’t comfortable flying, especially since they’re convinced my uncle got COVID that way. He was barely symptomatic, and I suspect he caught the virus at work, not on a commercial flight.

I am working hard to be understanding, but I am hurt, because I believe they could safely make the trip if they really wanted to. Are they being selfish or am I? --- POED AT PARENTS

DEAR POED AT PARENTS: Hard as it may be to not take it personally, I think you should do just that — not take it personally. Many people, especially older adults, are still leery of venturing out of their comfort zone. We’re closing in on two years of COVID-thinking and precautions, and just as it’s been a process to adjust to frequently changing guidelines and recommendations, it’s going to take time to get back to a more normal way of living, especially when visiting places beyond daily destinations near home and work.

Perhaps it’ll be more feasible for your parents to visit you in the early part of next year. It won’t be the same as a holiday visit, but hopefully it’ll still prove a good time for all.