Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mom has always been really involved in my life, which I guess is not always a bad thing. But sometimes it has been too much, like when she constantly emailed and called a teacher in a class if I was struggling, or pulled a coach aside at the end of every game to see why I played too much or not enough.

Now that I’m in college, I am afraid she is going to continue trying to be as involved in my life. I am happy she cares, but I need to be allowed to be in charge of my own life.

We have discussed this, and she tells me she will only step in if I ask for help, but somehow I am not getting the feeling that that is what she is really thinking.

How do I drive it home that I want to be treated like an adult and be responsible for my own life? --- SON OF A HELICOPTER MOM

DEAR SON OF A HELICOPTER MOM: The best way to be treated like an adult is to act like one.

One way to exert your independence is to resist the temptation to reach out to your mom until after an issue’s been resolved — by you.

This doesn’t mean that you must never consult with your mother for situations for which you feel a little experienced guidance may be helpful; but when it comes to the final decision of how you proceed, it should be your solution, even if it happens to incorporate some of her suggestions, or goes in an entirely different direction from what she advises.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My wife was raised in an evangelical Christian church. She stopped going long before we were together, and she became a Lutheran, like me, before our kids were born, so that is the faith tradition in which we are raising them.

Every year at this time, my wife’s mother starts in on her about letting our kids celebrate Halloween. She lectures her about how evil and pagan and against God’s will the whole Halloween thing is. My wife is used to deflecting the criticism, but this time around, my mother-in-law has started telling our kids directly how wrong they are to take part in this evil “ritual.”

Our kids rightfully love their grandparents, and have been taught to respect them and all their elders, along with other people’s beliefs. But this interference by my wife’s mother is as unwelcome as it is uninvited. Our two oldest kids (9 and 7) have started asking us if it’s wrong to dress up for school and go trick or treating on Halloween night.

I don’t want to make my mother-in-law look bad, and we are committed to teaching tolerance to our kids, but how do we get my wife’s mother to back off and let our family celebrate as we want to? --- NOTHING WRONG WITH HALLOWEEN

DEAR NOTHING WRONG WITH HALLOWEEN: It might be worth a try to point out to your mother-in-law that although her particular sect condemns the secular celebration of Halloween, it has a long and respectable history within many Christian churches, despite its roots in an ancient pagan festival, which happens to be how many now venerable religious celebrations began.

If offering a reasoned argument doesn’t prevail, which seems the likely outcome given your description of your mother-in-law’s deep-seated convictions, you can also politely remind her that in your home, your rules apply, including those regulating what your own children do and don’t do.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When I was in my junior year of college, my mother left my father and my two younger brothers, who were both still in high school. When it happened, I was told she left because she wanted to follow the teachings of the church she was a member of and which taught you can only find “salvation through good works and a life of self-sacrifice.” I thought it was a bunch of bull$%it then, and thought it was just some kind of local cult.

What I found out since is that my mother left so she could be with the pastor, who left his wife and children too, and went off with my mother so they could “found a new community.”

I know how devastated my father was at the time my mother left, and it hit my brothers and me hard too. With what I now know, I can’t even imagine how my father felt, not only being left as a single dad, but wondering if my mother ever really loved him or us at all.

I have talked a lot to my dad about this whole thing. We know where she is, but it has now been years since any of us have heard from my mother except for birthday and Christmas cards for my brothers and me. I think we’re all better off this way.

My youngest brother is getting married later this year, and he has told our dad he wants our mom to be at the wedding. My dad is trying to be neutral about the whole thing, but I cannot be. I’m a long way from forgiving my mother for her selfishness and her betrayal.

Don’t you think that with so many hard feelings it would be wrong to bring someone who obviously wanted nothing to do with her family back into it for what is supposed to be a happy event? --- DON’T WANT TO SEE HER

DEAR DON’T WANT TO SEE HER: It isn’t difficult to understand why you’ve been so deeply hurt by your mother’s actions, and it’s up to you to decide if you ever want to forgive her.

However, it’s your brother’s choice to invite her to his wedding, and for his and his intended’s sake, it’s up to you to do whatever you need to do to help make their day a good one to remember. If that means swallowing your feelings for a few hours or a couple of days, I think it would be a loving gift to give your brother. It might help if you can focus on the festive and fun parts of the event, spending time with family and friends who will also be there to support and wish well to the couple as they start their new life together.