Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I had my first child when I was 17. The baby daddy was a friend of my brother’s and already in college. I didn’t want to get married, and he didn’t offer, so that was all cool. My parents helped me through getting my GED and associate’s degree, and let me stay with them until I was able to support my son and myself.

Within two years of moving out, when my son was five, I met and went on to marry a good and great man. He legally adopted my son with no objections from the baby daddy, and for the last 15 years has been the best father in the world.

A few weeks ago, our son announced he was going to change his last name to that of his biological father. He had tracked him down, unknown to my husband and me, and the two of them have formed some kind of “bond,” as our son calls it.

Needless to say, I am heartbroken on behalf of my husband, who although he hasn’t said anything, being the kind of man he is, has been hurt by our son’s move to change his name to that of a man who never before showed any interest in being part of his life and who I long ago accepted is nothing but a shallow charmer. It shows nothing but disrespect to the man who happily took on a five-year-old son and raised him always as his own.

I have badly wanted to say something to our son about how hurt we are, but my husband says he doesn’t think we should.

Which of us is right here? --- MORE THAN A NAME

DEAR MORE THAN A NAME: At this point, I believe your husband is advising the better course in not confronting your son over his decision to take his biological father’s name. Hurtful as it is, it’s what he wants for whatever reason, and badmouthing his biological father or questioning his current place in your son’s life carries a high probability of backfiring.

If this man is still what your experience of him taught you to expect, he may not be as big a presence in your son’s life long-term as the father who raised him and continues to love him, even when he feels slighted. That’s a true father’s love, and hopefully your son will realize it sooner rather than later.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Out of the blue I received a Facebook friend request from an older woman with my last name. When I checked out her profile, there was a photo from what looked like the mid-1960s of this woman and my grandmother. I knew it is my grandmother because I have seen photos of her when she was young before.

I had known she had a younger sister and an older brother. I got to meet the older brother when I was real little, but I was always told their sister died in an accident when she was just out of college.

I accepted the request and have since come to know more about this woman. She is really and truly my great-aunt, and told me her family wrote her off when she got into drugs when she was in her early 20s. She had a rough time of it, and after going through multiple rehabs and meeting her first husband, who helped her get and stay clean, she pulled her s

t together, and has been living in Oregon with her family since 1976. She has two daughters and six grandkids, most of them about my age.

My grandmother died in 2018, and so far I have not yet told my parents about this whole situation. I am both hurt and angry my family would have lied to me and the rest of my siblings and cousins about our own relative. I know it was a different time and all that, but holy s

t, the woman is part of my family, with a whole other branch I never had the chance to know. I have since connected with some of my cousins, and they are as happy as I am to get to know each other.

How do I tell my parents and the rest of our family here I know the truth and we should all make some kind of effort to reconnect with my lost great-aunt? --- SOME FAMILY SECRET

DEAR SOME FAMILY SECRET: First off, do you know from your great-aunt that she has any desire to connect with the rest of your family beyond you? That she reached out in the first place makes me think she does want to be in touch on some level. It’s possible she previously put out feelers to other relatives, and you’re the first one to respond.

Now that you’ve heard your great-aunt’s side of the story, I believe along with you that it’s time to get another interpretation from your parents. They may have a very different tale to tell. As you say, it was a different era, and it’s not impossible that they honestly believe the aunt died decades ago.

It’ll be a difficult conversation to start, and my recommendation to you would be to go in with the thought that they are as much in the dark as you were until recently. If they are familiar with what caused the estrangement, listen to their side of the story. There’s an old saying, “The truth will out,” and if it holds in this case, what did in fact happen might be pieced together at long last from various interpretations of perceived and actual events.

Once you’ve had an opportunity to try and reassemble the past, you can discuss with your parents how or if they want to make the situation generally known to the rest of the family. News such as this is likely to lead to a variety of reactions, so be prepared.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mom has always been really involved in my life, which I guess is not always a bad thing. But sometimes it has been too much, like when she constantly emailed and called a teacher in a class if I was struggling, or pulled a coach aside at the end of every game to see why I played too much or not enough.

Now that I’m in college, I am afraid she is going to continue trying to be as involved in my life. I am happy she cares, but I need to be allowed to be in charge of my own life.

We have discussed this, and she tells me she will only step in if I ask for help, but somehow I am not getting the feeling that that is what she is really thinking.

How do I drive it home that I want to be treated like an adult and be responsible for my own life? --- SON OF A HELICOPTER MOM

DEAR SON OF A HELICOPTER MOM: The best way to be treated like an adult is to act like one.

One way to exert your independence is to resist the temptation to reach out to your mom until after an issue’s been resolved — by you.

This doesn’t mean that you must never consult with your mother for situations for which you feel a little experienced guidance may be helpful; but when it comes to the final decision of how you proceed, it should be your solution, even if it happens to incorporate some of her suggestions, or goes in an entirely different direction from what she advises.