Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: The last time I picked up my 6-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter from their father’s house, all I heard was how “cool” Deadpool is, and how they wanted to watch it again when they got home.

I tried to keep my cool, because this isn’t the first time my butt-head ex has allowed our kids to watch something so inappropriate. When I said I didn’t think that was a very good movie for little kids to watch, my son said his dad said it was on Disney, so it must be okay.

I’m angry at Disney for giving kids access to that level of violence, but at least they have parental controls built in, which I have turned on at my house. I was majorly pissed at my ex for not even vaguely understanding that Deadpool is not for kids, as are many of the games, movies, and tv shows he lets them play or plays in front of them with his teenage son. I keep telling myself that at least my daughter is too young to get what’s happening on the screen, but I can’t bet that’s true.

My husband is given every other weekend by the court, but that doesn’t mean he has the right to go against what he knows are my parenting choices, and yet he does, time after time.

How do I get through to him that R-rated movies and tv shows and M-rated games are not okay for kids as young as my son and daughter? --- NOT APPROPRIATE

DEAR NOT APPROPRIATE: It frequently strikes me as unfortunate that so many adults have no sense of the fact that there truly are things that are not suitable for all ages.

Since you’ve spoken to your ex to no effect, perhaps you could preempt his program by sending your kids over for visits with their own, age- and subject-appropriate materials. I’d load up their overnight bags with DVDs or USB flash drives containing the kinds of entertainment you’re more comfortable with your children watching, and game system games with a more family-friendly rating.

While kids are often attracted to what’s new to them and “grown-up,” there’s also a strong pull of the familiar, especially for younger children. Their father’s showed them slices from his world; I think it’s time they return the favor.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My friend “Austin” and I keep finding ourselves attracted to the same person. Austin is not at all shy and will start talking with whoever he is attracted to, and I always back off, even if I like the other person for more than hooking up, which is usually all Austin’s looking for anyway.

There was this one girl, “Lily,” who I really liked, and she seemed to like me too. I was getting to the point of asking her out, and before I had my confidence in the right place, Austin got to her, dumped her, and I have barely seen her since.

That becomes another problem, even after Austin is no longer interested, he always leaves the girls he dumps hurt and not wanting anything to do with him, which means they don’t want anything to do with me because I am his friend.

A few days ago I ran into Lily with some friends. She was polite and all that, but I think because she was with friends she didn’t want to spend too much time talking to me. But for the first time since she and Austin broke up, I had a feeling she might not hate my guts too.

I want to reach out to her again to see if there’s something there, but I am worried Austin will become an issue. Do I tell him I’m going to try to see if Lily is interested in me, do I just go ahead and not say anything to Austin for now, or do I just let it all go? --- IS IT MY TURN TO WIN?

DEAR IS IT MY TURN TO WIN?: For the sake of being above-board with your friend, it’s not a bad idea to let Austin know your plans. However, you don’t need and should not seek his approval.

Lily is her own person, and hopefully able to make her own decisions about who she spends time with. You ought to feel the same way about yourself, regardless of your friendship with Austin. You’re not looking to compete with him for a woman he ditched. You’re hoping for a chance to pick up where you left off with Lily before she and Austin were together.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I had my first child when I was 17. The baby daddy was a friend of my brother’s and already in college. I didn’t want to get married, and he didn’t offer, so that was all cool. My parents helped me through getting my GED and associate’s degree, and let me stay with them until I was able to support my son and myself.

Within two years of moving out, when my son was five, I met and went on to marry a good and great man. He legally adopted my son with no objections from the baby daddy, and for the last 15 years has been the best father in the world.

A few weeks ago, our son announced he was going to change his last name to that of his biological father. He had tracked him down, unknown to my husband and me, and the two of them have formed some kind of “bond,” as our son calls it.

Needless to say, I am heartbroken on behalf of my husband, who although he hasn’t said anything, being the kind of man he is, has been hurt by our son’s move to change his name to that of a man who never before showed any interest in being part of his life and who I long ago accepted is nothing but a shallow charmer. It shows nothing but disrespect to the man who happily took on a five-year-old son and raised him always as his own.

I have badly wanted to say something to our son about how hurt we are, but my husband says he doesn’t think we should.

Which of us is right here? --- MORE THAN A NAME

DEAR MORE THAN A NAME: At this point, I believe your husband is advising the better course in not confronting your son over his decision to take his biological father’s name. Hurtful as it is, it’s what he wants for whatever reason, and badmouthing his biological father or questioning his current place in your son’s life carries a high probability of backfiring.

If this man is still what your experience of him taught you to expect, he may not be as big a presence in your son’s life long-term as the father who raised him and continues to love him, even when he feels slighted. That’s a true father’s love, and hopefully your son will realize it sooner rather than later.