Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: This is the first year both my husband’s and my grandparents are unable to hold Thanksgiving in their homes. So we decided to take over on the tradition and ask members from both our families to come to our house for the Thanksgiving feast.

I love to cook and especially to bake, and my husband is the best sous chef in the world. We have offered to provide the turkey, ham, one side dish, and one dessert. We expect nearly 30 people, so we have asked everyone invited to bring one side dish or dessert to share. All good so far.

Then, last week all the special requests started coming in. We have one cousin who has a nut allergy, one with gluten allergies, three diabetics, two vegans, three vegetarians, and at least one keto dieter.

I want to make sure everyone has something to eat and enjoy. I figured that would be covered by asking everyone to bring something that they can eat. My fear is that we will have a lopsided variety of specialized dishes that only the people who bring them can or will eat.

Were my husband and I wrong to not set a menu and assign specific dishes? It just feels like it would have been a lot easier and less stressful for everyone. --- WANT TO FEED EVERYONE

DEAR WANT TO FEED EVERYONE: Frankly, it sounds like you should be covered by letting people bring something that works for them. What may help is if you circulate a group list of what everyone has said they’re bringing, with an eye to hopefully avoiding too much duplication and ensure a wider selection for the most specific diets.

I give you and your husband credit for stepping up and offering to continue a tradition. But be warned, you’ve most likely opened yourselves up to a lesson in not pleasing all of the people much of the time!

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My father-in-law and before him his dad have been into drag racing all their adult lives. I never met my grand-father-in-law, but from what I have been told, he started modifying and racing cars when he got out of the army after being in Korea. So it goes back a long way in their family.

My husband wasn’t all that interested until a few years ago, around the time we started going out. Then, it was a once-a-month or so kind of thing he did, mostly to be with his dad and one of his brothers, who is also into it.

I went with him to the races for the first few years, until I was pregnant with our son. I just couldn’t do the long, hot days once I hit my third trimester. But my husband kept on with it, and has been getting deeper and deeper into it, including starting to run up our charge bills with the expenses of modifying and racing the car he now owns.

While I am always a little scared something might happen when he is driving, I am getting really worried his hobby is going to really strain our finances. I have had to cut some things out of our budget to try and balance things out, but I don’t think it’s especially fair that our son and I should do without some things so my husband can feed his hobby.

He and his brother tell me that they are working on getting some sponsorships, and that will help. So far all he’s gotten is some money from two local garages, and that barely pays what it costs to enter the regional races he goes to.

His brother also has him convinced that the longer he stays on the circuit and the more races he runs, he will start making big money. Which, by the way, isn’t something his father or brother have ever done in all the years they’ve been racing.

We have had some bad arguments over this, even in front of his father and mother, and it is embarrassing, but they need to know how much his racing fever is costing our family. We have not been able to zero our credit card balance for months now, and I was always super careful to do that.

Is he being selfish, or am I being controlling, which is what his brother said about me? --- TOO MUCH DEBT

DEAR TOO MUCH DEBT: I don’t believe that trying to stay on top of your family’s financial wellbeing is controlling.

If you haven’t already pulled your husband into the specific details of how his drag racing expenses are affecting your family’s budget, then you should consider doing that. Just hearing that he’s putting out too much money on his hobby may not carry as much weight as his actually seeing the changes in your finances that are the direct result of his outlays on his car and competitions.

Additionally, for all your sakes, I hope your husband has adequate medical and life insurance coverage to protect you all against his being injured during a competition.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: The last time I picked up my 6-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter from their father’s house, all I heard was how “cool” Deadpool is, and how they wanted to watch it again when they got home.

I tried to keep my cool, because this isn’t the first time my butt-head ex has allowed our kids to watch something so inappropriate. When I said I didn’t think that was a very good movie for little kids to watch, my son said his dad said it was on Disney, so it must be okay.

I’m angry at Disney for giving kids access to that level of violence, but at least they have parental controls built in, which I have turned on at my house. I was majorly pissed at my ex for not even vaguely understanding that Deadpool is not for kids, as are many of the games, movies, and tv shows he lets them play or plays in front of them with his teenage son. I keep telling myself that at least my daughter is too young to get what’s happening on the screen, but I can’t bet that’s true.

My husband is given every other weekend by the court, but that doesn’t mean he has the right to go against what he knows are my parenting choices, and yet he does, time after time.

How do I get through to him that R-rated movies and tv shows and M-rated games are not okay for kids as young as my son and daughter? --- NOT APPROPRIATE

DEAR NOT APPROPRIATE: It frequently strikes me as unfortunate that so many adults have no sense of the fact that there truly are things that are not suitable for all ages.

Since you’ve spoken to your ex to no effect, perhaps you could preempt his program by sending your kids over for visits with their own, age- and subject-appropriate materials. I’d load up their overnight bags with DVDs or USB flash drives containing the kinds of entertainment you’re more comfortable with your children watching, and game system games with a more family-friendly rating.

While kids are often attracted to what’s new to them and “grown-up,” there’s also a strong pull of the familiar, especially for younger children. Their father’s showed them slices from his world; I think it’s time they return the favor.