Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My parents finally divorced after years of unhappiness. They lived apart for almost ten years before making it legal.

I just found out that my father is now living with the woman he was seeing before he and my mom got married. My sister knew about this since it happened while our parents were still legally married. She told me our mom also knew, but didn’t want me to find out because she knew how I would react.

The whole situation sucks. I feel like an idiot, like the only one who wasn’t in on this big secret. My mom says she really doesn’t care, but it has to hurt her that even before they were divorced her husband was living with another woman. I find it insulting to my mother, and because nobody thought I could take the truth, insulting to me that nobody told me what was happening.

Do you think it was right that nobody told me anything about what was going on, and that my father and his “girlfriend” didn’t even wait until he was divorced from my mother to live together? --- LEFT IN THE DARK

DEAR LEFT IN THE DARK: What seems clear to me is that it isn’t only your being the last to know about your father and his girlfriend that’s at issue here. You’re at least equally bothered by your father’s moving on; and although it ultimately appears to have been misguided, I’m guessing your family’s failure to share the news was based on how you’d react to it, as your sister correctly predicted. Their good intentions unfortunately backfired and ended up causing you pain, which I very much doubt was what they hoped to accomplish.

It doesn’t sound like your parents had much of a marriage for a long time before making their split official. Given that they’ve been living separate lives for years, it shouldn’t be surprising that either or both of them sought to cultivate new or renewed relationships. Their desire to start over was a possible motivation for their taking legal action to dissolve their unsuccessful marriage. Hopefully, your mother has developed a life of her own as well since separating from your father.

Although it might feel difficult now, I believe the way for you to also move on is to accept that your parents are living their own lives, as they have every right to. And, what may help ease your hurt is if you let it be known that you want to be in on major family developments as they happen, rather than after-the-fact.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I heard from my mother that her older brother won’t be joining in any family holiday gatherings again this year, because, she said, he is still worried about COVID. She told me he has gone back to his office to work three days a week, and got back to playing golf this summer, but still won’t go anywhere else where there will be a lot of people.

I think this is more than COVID fears and told my mother so. I said I would drive to his apartment and pick him up myself for the holidays, if I have to, but I think it is important he starts getting back out in the world again.

My mom says I should leave him be. Don’t you think that is only going to encourage him to continue in social isolation, and get even worse? I have to admit, he has never been the “life of the party” type, but at least he wasn’t on his own so much and was always at all the holiday family gatherings. --- WORRIED ABOUT MY UNCLE

DEAR WORRIED ABOUT MY UNCLE: Your uncle is far from alone in his reluctance to return to pre-COVID practices.

What might help is if you try to reach out to him yourself, but not with the threat of dragging him out of his home to attend a big family gathering. You could offer to visit him at his place, or have him over to yours, just the two of you, if he would entertain those possibilities.

Perhaps if he can start getting out again socially in little ways, he’ll begin to be more relaxed being around larger groups of people. A gentler, more gradual reintroduction would probably have a better chance of succeeding than your proposal to abruptly force him from his comfort zone.

DEAR READERS: Up until they both passed away, each November 11th I’d make a point wishing a Happy Veterans Day to my father, who served in WWII, and my father-in-law, who was in the Korean War.

My favorite uncle was a disabled WII vet, who up until his death, decades after being medically discharged, remained dedicated to doing his part by being a regular and valued volunteer at the local VA hospital.

These men had a sense of humble satisfaction in having done their part, and I continue to be proud of them and those in their and following generations who willingly or not, answered the call to duty.

I’m deeply grateful to the men and women who have served in our armed forces, for a short or long while, in times of war, and in times of peace. I honor them and their loved ones for their service and sacrifices.

To all who served, Happy Veterans Day, and Thank You.