Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my husband and I got married, I had already had my cat, PJ, for a few years. From the time we brought our daughter home after being born, she and PJ became best friends. PJ made it to 17 when she died last month. It was a gentle death, thank God, but it still hit us all hard, especially our daughter and me. Our now 10-year-old has never known our home without PJ, and PJ used to sleep cuddled up next to her.

My husband thinks the way to get our daughter happier is to get a new cat. I understand where he’s coming from, but I am just nowhere near ready to begin thinking of doing that. I don’t think he realizes you don’t just replace one pet with another. We lost a family member when TJ died, and she will never really be replaced.

I feel like our daughter is caught in the middle here. I can see she gets a little excited when her dad mentions adopting a kitten, but then she tells me she feels guilty about seeming to forget PJ so fast.

I know we will eventually get a new cat, but do you think there’s anything wrong with waiting for a time? --- JUST NOT READY YET

DEAR JUST NOT READY YET: No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting to bring a new pet into your home. While I understand your husband’s wanting to find a way to console your grieving daughter, I also know that grief is part of loving a pet, as she’s now learned.

In my opinion, a new family pet ought to be a family decision. Everyone’s thoughts on the subject should be openly discussed before moving toward bringing a new cat into your home. Your husband might be surprised to find out your daughter, like you, isn’t ready to start over just yet. And, you may be surprised to discover she is.

DEAR READERS: It’s become clear to me over the years I’ve been doing this column that a large number of my readers and regular commenters are part of a community all their own. Whether you agree or disagree with my advice, I see there are often lively (and generally cordial) reactions to my and each other’s posts, which signals to me not only that many of you have some very strong opinions, but that you’re also willing and glad to share something of what you’ve learned in your travels through life.

On this day of giving thanks, I send some your way — for reading, sharing, pointing out my errors, and challenging my opinions when they clash with yours.

I sincerely hope you get to enjoy some of the best things of this and all the upcoming holidays.

Be safe and well, and Happy Thanksgiving.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I honestly don’t know if he does it just to bug me, or if he has a problem, but my husband loves, and I mean loves, to tell me about his daily poo successes. I tell him I am not at all interested, but that doesn’t seem to stop him.

I asked his mother about this, and she just laughed and said this is what he has done since he was a little boy and he would do it to get under her skin. She said the best thing to do is just ignore it, and he’ll stop. But I do, and he doesn’t.

What do I have to do to convince my husband I’m really not interested in his daily bowel functions? --- DON’T NEED OR WANT TO KNOW

DEAR DON’T NEED OR WANT TO KNOW: There most certainly are people who are more than casually invested in their bowel habits, for a number of reasons, some of which are healthier than others. In your husband’s case, it’s possible, as his mother suggests, that he’s just trying to get a rise out of you with his oversharing.

If ignoring his updates isn’t doing the trick, then maybe it’s time to have a more serious conversation with him about whether or not he needs to seek medical advice regarding either the nature of his bowel habits, or his apparent fascination with them. If he’s just trying to get a reaction out of you, the suggestion he has a real issue might shut him down. If he truly does have an abnormal obsession going on, then perhaps seeking professional help would be worth pursuing.