Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR READERS: About this time last year a column ran responding to a query from grandchildren about what to get their ailing grandparent for the holidays.

Many readers offered wonderful, thoughtful, and inspired suggestions adding to the ones provided in my response. The ideas they presented were ones they had seen succeed for someone in their lives.

One reader sent me an email with the solution she and her family came up with for a relative living alone, which also works for someone in a care facility, and which struck me as a good one to share. Depending on the loved one’s situation, the distribution of the daily gifts may rely on the help of the care facility’s staff, but the reader who submitted the gift plan found it to be a highly workable one.

Thanks to JT and her family for sharing this suggestion, and I ask that as you did last year, please feel free to also share some of your own gift success stories. Like many of my readers, I too have a dear family member in a care facility, and know firsthand the challenge of figuring out what’s just right to make her holidays brighter.

DEAR ASK SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Make a 12-days basket filled with 12 wrapped gifts, numbered 1-12. We usually start 12 days before Christmas, but you can start on Christmas Day or anytime during the holidays.

Day one can be a small Christmas decoration to go in their room or on their door. Other ideas include favorite snack items if there are no diet-restrictions, footie-socks with non-slip grips, a new family photo, a warm throw, etc. Also, if your family is local, arrange for a different person to visit every day — what a treat to look forward to, even if the visits are short in duration.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Earlier this year my wife started taking anti-depressants. She had been on them before, when she was a teenager and had had a bad time with a bunch of bad things happening at once. She began gaining weight back then, and took herself off the meds and hasn’t taken anything since then until now.

She had a major health scare this summer and that triggered her depression and anxiety, and the family practice doctor we see started her on new meds.

Now my wife is gaining weight again. She is exercising, watching what she eats, doing everything you’re supposed to do, but she has still gained nearly 30 lbs. in the past few months. I keep telling her to talk to her doctor about changing her prescriptions, but she says at least she isn’t depressed anymore, but I am afraid the weight gain is going to make her depressed all over again.

What can I do to help her realize she needs to do something before the weight becomes its own problem, both for her physical and mental health? --- NEEDS HELP WITH MEDS

DEAR NEEDS HELP WITH MEDS: While a primary care physician, especially a good one, is a right place to start in dealing with mental health issues, perhaps it’s time for your wife to talk to her family practitioner about exploring different medication and non-medication treatment options, and whether or not she would benefit by augmenting her care with the addition of mental health professionals such as a psychiatrist and/or therapist.

From what I’ve seen, a team effort can often succeed better than pursuing a single avenue of treatment for mental health concerns.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my husband and I got married, I had already had my cat, PJ, for a few years. From the time we brought our daughter home after being born, she and PJ became best friends. PJ made it to 17 when she died last month. It was a gentle death, thank God, but it still hit us all hard, especially our daughter and me. Our now 10-year-old has never known our home without PJ, and PJ used to sleep cuddled up next to her.

My husband thinks the way to get our daughter happier is to get a new cat. I understand where he’s coming from, but I am just nowhere near ready to begin thinking of doing that. I don’t think he realizes you don’t just replace one pet with another. We lost a family member when TJ died, and she will never really be replaced.

I feel like our daughter is caught in the middle here. I can see she gets a little excited when her dad mentions adopting a kitten, but then she tells me she feels guilty about seeming to forget PJ so fast.

I know we will eventually get a new cat, but do you think there’s anything wrong with waiting for a time? --- JUST NOT READY YET

DEAR JUST NOT READY YET: No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting to bring a new pet into your home. While I understand your husband’s wanting to find a way to console your grieving daughter, I also know that grief is part of loving a pet, as she’s now learned.

In my opinion, a new family pet ought to be a family decision. Everyone’s thoughts on the subject should be openly discussed before moving toward bringing a new cat into your home. Your husband might be surprised to find out your daughter, like you, isn’t ready to start over just yet. And, you may be surprised to discover she is.