Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband comes from a very big family. Since he and his siblings were teenagers, they did a Secret Santa kind of gift exchange, and it worked out real well. I come from a much smaller family, where everyone got everyone a gift each year. It wasn’t so bad when it was just me and my sister, but now we both have husbands, kids, and in-laws to buy for.

When I suggested to my sister we do something similar to what my husband’s family does, she got all bent out of shape and said I was cheaping out, that she doesn’t understand it because both my husband and I work and can afford to buy gifts for everyone on our side, like we always did. But when I look around our house and hers, I know we all have as much as we need and more, and I think Christmas should not be about who can spend the most money on stuff, but just a time to share a spirit of giving, which getting and giving fewer gifts would still represent.

Don’t you think my plan makes a lot more sense? --- ALL FOR KEEPING IT SIMPLE

DEAR ALL FOR KEEPING IT SIMPLE: I’m with you on this one. There’s no need to spend money and add more stress to an already often stressful and expensive season if you don’t truly need to.

If your sister’s determined to go all-out, then perhaps she could be persuaded to put the funds she would have spent on buying gifts for your immediate family into donations to Toys-for-Tots or other community-based organizations working to help people who otherwise might not be able to experience much in the way of holiday cheer.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband and I often watch our grandchildren after school, especially when their parents travel for work or pleasure.

Last week our 13-year-old granddaughter was at a “friend’s” house and the friend’s mother came home to find the girls drinking hard liquor from the usually locked liquor cabinet. It would appear that the girl got hold of the key and had a copy made.

Because our granddaughter didn’t want her folks to know what happened, she gave the friend’s mother our phone number to call when she asked for her parents’ number.

My son and daughter-in-law are not super strict, but I can just imagine what they would do if they found out their 13-year-old daughter was drinking hard liquor.

My husband and I both gave her a chewing out and stern talking to, and I think it should end there. But my husband strongly believes we should tell our son and his wife what happened. I think that will at the very least prevent our granddaughter from ever trusting us again, and at the worst, make her hate us.

Do you think it’s better to let her have us in her confidence, and just make it clear that the next time we tell her parents, or do we go ahead and tell them what happened right now? --- DON’T WANT TO TELL

DEAR DON’T WANT TO TELL: While I can understand your desire to keep in your granddaughter’s confidence and good opinion, I also believe her parents should know what happened and be given the opportunity to deal with this issue as they see fit. Think how you’d feel if the same thing had happened with your son when he was a kid. Wouldn’t you want to know?

You’ve already reprimanded your granddaughter, so she knows you’re not pleased with her actions. She may already be seeing you in a different light, not as the ever-indulgent grandparents, but as adults who are part of the team helping raise her.

DEAR READERS: About this time last year a column ran responding to a query from grandchildren about what to get their ailing grandparent for the holidays.

Many readers offered wonderful, thoughtful, and inspired suggestions adding to the ones provided in my response. The ideas they presented were ones they had seen succeed for someone in their lives.

One reader sent me an email with the solution she and her family came up with for a relative living alone, which also works for someone in a care facility, and which struck me as a good one to share. Depending on the loved one’s situation, the distribution of the daily gifts may rely on the help of the care facility’s staff, but the reader who submitted the gift plan found it to be a highly workable one.

Thanks to JT and her family for sharing this suggestion, and I ask that as you did last year, please feel free to also share some of your own gift success stories. Like many of my readers, I too have a dear family member in a care facility, and know firsthand the challenge of figuring out what’s just right to make her holidays brighter.

DEAR ASK SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Make a 12-days basket filled with 12 wrapped gifts, numbered 1-12. We usually start 12 days before Christmas, but you can start on Christmas Day or anytime during the holidays.

Day one can be a small Christmas decoration to go in their room or on their door. Other ideas include favorite snack items if there are no diet-restrictions, footie-socks with non-slip grips, a new family photo, a warm throw, etc. Also, if your family is local, arrange for a different person to visit every day — what a treat to look forward to, even if the visits are short in duration.