Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter has been with her boyfriend for nearly five years now. He is a good guy overall, but he can be so defensive on her behalf to the point that if I am talking with my daughter, and she gets upset about something, like some sad or bad news from our neighborhood or her old job, where I still know some people and hear some things sometimes, he starts leaving me voicemails and texts about why do I like to upset my daughter so much.

Clearly he loves her and is doing what he thinks is in her best interest. I always figure it was because he is the oldest in a large family, and his mother often put him in charge of the younger siblings to help her out. That is, I believe, where his loving, but overly protective ways come from.

How do I get it across to him that I honestly do not go out of my way to upset my own daughter, and that like him, I have her best interest in mind all the time? --- TOO MUCH ON GUARD

DEAR TOO MUCH ON GUARD: I think you may be right in believing your daughter’s boyfriend’s protective nature was formed, or at least fostered, by his early life’s experiences in caregiving. It’s most likely part of his definition of love, this need to protect and defend those close to him.

Simply by continuing to gently remind him that you also love and care about your daughter, you might be able to make your case that you’re on the same team, just playing different positions.

If she doesn’t already, perhaps it would help if your daughter backed you up in your claims of intending, and in fact inflicting, no harm. Like you, she may not be a fan of the tension her boyfriend possibly creates for himself in his perceived need to shelter her from unpleasant or painful news.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband comes from a very big family. Since he and his siblings were teenagers, they did a Secret Santa kind of gift exchange, and it worked out real well. I come from a much smaller family, where everyone got everyone a gift each year. It wasn’t so bad when it was just me and my sister, but now we both have husbands, kids, and in-laws to buy for.

When I suggested to my sister we do something similar to what my husband’s family does, she got all bent out of shape and said I was cheaping out, that she doesn’t understand it because both my husband and I work and can afford to buy gifts for everyone on our side, like we always did. But when I look around our house and hers, I know we all have as much as we need and more, and I think Christmas should not be about who can spend the most money on stuff, but just a time to share a spirit of giving, which getting and giving fewer gifts would still represent.

Don’t you think my plan makes a lot more sense? --- ALL FOR KEEPING IT SIMPLE

DEAR ALL FOR KEEPING IT SIMPLE: I’m with you on this one. There’s no need to spend money and add more stress to an already often stressful and expensive season if you don’t truly need to.

If your sister’s determined to go all-out, then perhaps she could be persuaded to put the funds she would have spent on buying gifts for your immediate family into donations to Toys-for-Tots or other community-based organizations working to help people who otherwise might not be able to experience much in the way of holiday cheer.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband and I often watch our grandchildren after school, especially when their parents travel for work or pleasure.

Last week our 13-year-old granddaughter was at a “friend’s” house and the friend’s mother came home to find the girls drinking hard liquor from the usually locked liquor cabinet. It would appear that the girl got hold of the key and had a copy made.

Because our granddaughter didn’t want her folks to know what happened, she gave the friend’s mother our phone number to call when she asked for her parents’ number.

My son and daughter-in-law are not super strict, but I can just imagine what they would do if they found out their 13-year-old daughter was drinking hard liquor.

My husband and I both gave her a chewing out and stern talking to, and I think it should end there. But my husband strongly believes we should tell our son and his wife what happened. I think that will at the very least prevent our granddaughter from ever trusting us again, and at the worst, make her hate us.

Do you think it’s better to let her have us in her confidence, and just make it clear that the next time we tell her parents, or do we go ahead and tell them what happened right now? --- DON’T WANT TO TELL

DEAR DON’T WANT TO TELL: While I can understand your desire to keep in your granddaughter’s confidence and good opinion, I also believe her parents should know what happened and be given the opportunity to deal with this issue as they see fit. Think how you’d feel if the same thing had happened with your son when he was a kid. Wouldn’t you want to know?

You’ve already reprimanded your granddaughter, so she knows you’re not pleased with her actions. She may already be seeing you in a different light, not as the ever-indulgent grandparents, but as adults who are part of the team helping raise her.