Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Even though I love my fiancée, I don’t feel like I am ready to get married right now, which I know happens sometimes, but for me is especially awkward because we had a very public proposal, in front of her family and friends and mine. The big deal was her idea, and I went along with it because I thought it would make her happy. Now I realize I was pressured into going to a point of no return, mostly by her father, who thinks everyone should be married before they turn 25, which I will do next spring.

I do want to marry her, but not just to make some kind of weird made-up deadline. How do I get myself out of this? --- NEED MORE TIME

DEAR NEED MORE TIME: I’m with you in not seeing the need to get married by someone else’s deadline besides the two people most directly involved. There are some instances where time is of the essence, such as when there’s a seriously ill loved one or other legitimately urgent circumstance to consider. Even then, though, moving forward sooner should be mutually agreed upon by the couple.

You owe it to your fiancée and yourself to clear the air and decide for yourselves when you both want to get married. So if it's your call to slow things down, then it’s your and your fiancée’s job to tell her father, and anyone else you feel is pressuring you, directly what your intentions are.

Your failing to stand up for yourselves now does not bode well for you two making any other major moves on your own terms in the future.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter has been with her boyfriend for nearly five years now. He is a good guy overall, but he can be so defensive on her behalf to the point that if I am talking with my daughter, and she gets upset about something, like some sad or bad news from our neighborhood or her old job, where I still know some people and hear some things sometimes, he starts leaving me voicemails and texts about why do I like to upset my daughter so much.

Clearly he loves her and is doing what he thinks is in her best interest. I always figure it was because he is the oldest in a large family, and his mother often put him in charge of the younger siblings to help her out. That is, I believe, where his loving, but overly protective ways come from.

How do I get it across to him that I honestly do not go out of my way to upset my own daughter, and that like him, I have her best interest in mind all the time? --- TOO MUCH ON GUARD

DEAR TOO MUCH ON GUARD: I think you may be right in believing your daughter’s boyfriend’s protective nature was formed, or at least fostered, by his early life’s experiences in caregiving. It’s most likely part of his definition of love, this need to protect and defend those close to him.

Simply by continuing to gently remind him that you also love and care about your daughter, you might be able to make your case that you’re on the same team, just playing different positions.

If she doesn’t already, perhaps it would help if your daughter backed you up in your claims of intending, and in fact inflicting, no harm. Like you, she may not be a fan of the tension her boyfriend possibly creates for himself in his perceived need to shelter her from unpleasant or painful news.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband comes from a very big family. Since he and his siblings were teenagers, they did a Secret Santa kind of gift exchange, and it worked out real well. I come from a much smaller family, where everyone got everyone a gift each year. It wasn’t so bad when it was just me and my sister, but now we both have husbands, kids, and in-laws to buy for.

When I suggested to my sister we do something similar to what my husband’s family does, she got all bent out of shape and said I was cheaping out, that she doesn’t understand it because both my husband and I work and can afford to buy gifts for everyone on our side, like we always did. But when I look around our house and hers, I know we all have as much as we need and more, and I think Christmas should not be about who can spend the most money on stuff, but just a time to share a spirit of giving, which getting and giving fewer gifts would still represent.

Don’t you think my plan makes a lot more sense? --- ALL FOR KEEPING IT SIMPLE

DEAR ALL FOR KEEPING IT SIMPLE: I’m with you on this one. There’s no need to spend money and add more stress to an already often stressful and expensive season if you don’t truly need to.

If your sister’s determined to go all-out, then perhaps she could be persuaded to put the funds she would have spent on buying gifts for your immediate family into donations to Toys-for-Tots or other community-based organizations working to help people who otherwise might not be able to experience much in the way of holiday cheer.