Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Whenever I visit my daughter’s and her boyfriend’s apartment, I have to bite my tongue about how cluttered the place is. It makes me afraid I’m going to sit on something when I try and sit down on their sofa. The kitchen table is invisible under all the stacks of stuff they have on it. They have to eat their meals at a coffee table in the living room, because there is no counter or table space that isn’t covered. Even the coffee table has stacks of papers and books and magazines, with just enough space for their plates and drinking glasses.

I get the impression they simply don’t see this as an issue, or even at all, which I don’t understand. This definitely is not how our daughter was raised.

How can people live like this and not get totally stressed out? --- CLUTTER QUEEN’S MOM

DEAR CLUTTER QUEEN’S MOM: Experience has taught me that everyone has their own clutter tolerance and awareness. Often it varies within families, and in your case you and your daughter have a wide gap between your perceptions.

As much as you might not like the way they live, if your daughter and her boyfriend are of a mind on this issue, I’m guessing it isn’t going to change any time soon, and you’ll find yourself having to grin and bear it whenever you stop in to see them.

Maybe you could start making plans to meet up at your home, or some place else less likely to get on your nerves, so you can focus on being together, rather than an environment that makes you uncomfortable.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Even though I love my fiancée, I don’t feel like I am ready to get married right now, which I know happens sometimes, but for me is especially awkward because we had a very public proposal, in front of her family and friends and mine. The big deal was her idea, and I went along with it because I thought it would make her happy. Now I realize I was pressured into going to a point of no return, mostly by her father, who thinks everyone should be married before they turn 25, which I will do next spring.

I do want to marry her, but not just to make some kind of weird made-up deadline. How do I get myself out of this? --- NEED MORE TIME

DEAR NEED MORE TIME: I’m with you in not seeing the need to get married by someone else’s deadline besides the two people most directly involved. There are some instances where time is of the essence, such as when there’s a seriously ill loved one or other legitimately urgent circumstance to consider. Even then, though, moving forward sooner should be mutually agreed upon by the couple.

You owe it to your fiancée and yourself to clear the air and decide for yourselves when you both want to get married. So if it's your call to slow things down, then it’s your and your fiancée’s job to tell her father, and anyone else you feel is pressuring you, directly what your intentions are.

Your failing to stand up for yourselves now does not bode well for you two making any other major moves on your own terms in the future.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter has been with her boyfriend for nearly five years now. He is a good guy overall, but he can be so defensive on her behalf to the point that if I am talking with my daughter, and she gets upset about something, like some sad or bad news from our neighborhood or her old job, where I still know some people and hear some things sometimes, he starts leaving me voicemails and texts about why do I like to upset my daughter so much.

Clearly he loves her and is doing what he thinks is in her best interest. I always figure it was because he is the oldest in a large family, and his mother often put him in charge of the younger siblings to help her out. That is, I believe, where his loving, but overly protective ways come from.

How do I get it across to him that I honestly do not go out of my way to upset my own daughter, and that like him, I have her best interest in mind all the time? --- TOO MUCH ON GUARD

DEAR TOO MUCH ON GUARD: I think you may be right in believing your daughter’s boyfriend’s protective nature was formed, or at least fostered, by his early life’s experiences in caregiving. It’s most likely part of his definition of love, this need to protect and defend those close to him.

Simply by continuing to gently remind him that you also love and care about your daughter, you might be able to make your case that you’re on the same team, just playing different positions.

If she doesn’t already, perhaps it would help if your daughter backed you up in your claims of intending, and in fact inflicting, no harm. Like you, she may not be a fan of the tension her boyfriend possibly creates for himself in his perceived need to shelter her from unpleasant or painful news.