Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My great-uncle is like an extra grandfather to me and my sister, especially after our grandpa died. He’s very old school and thinks kids should play with all sorts of toys, including toy guns and little soldier guys and that sort of stuff.

My sister doesn’t really care much, she lets her kids play with everything, but my husband and I have agreed to have no toy guns in the house.

I don’t want to hurt my great-uncle’s feelings, but I just know he is going to get more war weapons for our son this year again for Christmas. I have told him, and my husband has told him, and he says he sees no harm in it. I can’t seem to get through to him, so what else can I do? --- A NO GUN POLICY

DEAR A NO GUN POLICY: Since you’ve done what sounds reasonable in asking your great-uncle to not give your son toy weapons, then the next best thing may be to accept the gift, and after explaining to your child that your house rule is no toy weapons, dispose of it.

It seems wasteful of your relative’s money, but unfortunately he won’t follow your rules, and most donation sites don’t take toys with a violent theme.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Whenever I visit my daughter’s and her boyfriend’s apartment, I have to bite my tongue about how cluttered the place is. It makes me afraid I’m going to sit on something when I try and sit down on their sofa. The kitchen table is invisible under all the stacks of stuff they have on it. They have to eat their meals at a coffee table in the living room, because there is no counter or table space that isn’t covered. Even the coffee table has stacks of papers and books and magazines, with just enough space for their plates and drinking glasses.

I get the impression they simply don’t see this as an issue, or even at all, which I don’t understand. This definitely is not how our daughter was raised.

How can people live like this and not get totally stressed out? --- CLUTTER QUEEN’S MOM

DEAR CLUTTER QUEEN’S MOM: Experience has taught me that everyone has their own clutter tolerance and awareness. Often it varies within families, and in your case you and your daughter have a wide gap between your perceptions.

As much as you might not like the way they live, if your daughter and her boyfriend are of a mind on this issue, I’m guessing it isn’t going to change any time soon, and you’ll find yourself having to grin and bear it whenever you stop in to see them.

Maybe you could start making plans to meet up at your home, or some place else less likely to get on your nerves, so you can focus on being together, rather than an environment that makes you uncomfortable.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Even though I love my fiancée, I don’t feel like I am ready to get married right now, which I know happens sometimes, but for me is especially awkward because we had a very public proposal, in front of her family and friends and mine. The big deal was her idea, and I went along with it because I thought it would make her happy. Now I realize I was pressured into going to a point of no return, mostly by her father, who thinks everyone should be married before they turn 25, which I will do next spring.

I do want to marry her, but not just to make some kind of weird made-up deadline. How do I get myself out of this? --- NEED MORE TIME

DEAR NEED MORE TIME: I’m with you in not seeing the need to get married by someone else’s deadline besides the two people most directly involved. There are some instances where time is of the essence, such as when there’s a seriously ill loved one or other legitimately urgent circumstance to consider. Even then, though, moving forward sooner should be mutually agreed upon by the couple.

You owe it to your fiancée and yourself to clear the air and decide for yourselves when you both want to get married. So if it's your call to slow things down, then it’s your and your fiancée’s job to tell her father, and anyone else you feel is pressuring you, directly what your intentions are.

Your failing to stand up for yourselves now does not bode well for you two making any other major moves on your own terms in the future.