Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My partner and I each have our own car, but he likes to borrow mine, especially when it rains, because his car doesn’t always start in the rain.

Last month I got a final warning that if $600 of traffic tickets weren’t paid by the end of the month, my car would be booted, and then I would have 48 hours to pay the fines to get the code to unlock the boot and return it.

I did not earn a single cent in violations. Every stinking one of them was my partner’s, but guess who got the tickets, and guess who promised me he would pay them.

Now my car was not only booted, but also towed and impounded overnight until I could get there and pay all the fines and penalties and overnight parking fees, and all that. And now I’m out over a thousand bucks, plus I lost half a day at work, and my partner still has not paid me anything back yet, and even better, had the b###s to ask me to borrow my car again when it rained the other day.

I told him exactly how I felt and that he better cough up what he owes me, but he keeps telling me I need to calm down and don’t I trust him, and all that b######t.

We’ve been living together for almost 8 years, and you would think I would know better, especially since this is not the first time he’s pulled something like this on me. Last time it took him a year to pay me some money he owed me. This is the biggest amount I put out for him and this could be what finishes us off.

I never want to be one of those petty people who go to war over money, but doesn’t this seem like a lot more to you? --- DUMPED ON AGAIN

DEAR DUMPED ON AGAIN: I think you already figured out this is more than a case of dollars and cents. It seems to me what’s at issue here is your partner’s failure to fully respect you, and that certainly is cause for concern. That he’s repaid you in the past shows some glimmer of promise, but if he isn’t able to understand how much his brushing off his debts and responsibilities to you hurts, then your relationship is in real trouble.

If what you have to say isn’t being heard, it may be time to get professional guidance, if you feel committed enough to your partner to try and make a go of it. Love and affection alone aren’t enough to keep a relationship healthy, and both parties need to be willing to do a little work most times and a lot of work at others to help move your lives together in the right direction.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My great-uncle is like an extra grandfather to me and my sister, especially after our grandpa died. He’s very old school and thinks kids should play with all sorts of toys, including toy guns and little soldier guys and that sort of stuff.

My sister doesn’t really care much, she lets her kids play with everything, but my husband and I have agreed to have no toy guns in the house.

I don’t want to hurt my great-uncle’s feelings, but I just know he is going to get more war weapons for our son this year again for Christmas. I have told him, and my husband has told him, and he says he sees no harm in it. I can’t seem to get through to him, so what else can I do? --- A NO GUN POLICY

DEAR A NO GUN POLICY: Since you’ve done what sounds reasonable in asking your great-uncle to not give your son toy weapons, then the next best thing may be to accept the gift, and after explaining to your child that your house rule is no toy weapons, dispose of it.

It seems wasteful of your relative’s money, but unfortunately he won’t follow your rules, and most donation sites don’t take toys with a violent theme.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Whenever I visit my daughter’s and her boyfriend’s apartment, I have to bite my tongue about how cluttered the place is. It makes me afraid I’m going to sit on something when I try and sit down on their sofa. The kitchen table is invisible under all the stacks of stuff they have on it. They have to eat their meals at a coffee table in the living room, because there is no counter or table space that isn’t covered. Even the coffee table has stacks of papers and books and magazines, with just enough space for their plates and drinking glasses.

I get the impression they simply don’t see this as an issue, or even at all, which I don’t understand. This definitely is not how our daughter was raised.

How can people live like this and not get totally stressed out? --- CLUTTER QUEEN’S MOM

DEAR CLUTTER QUEEN’S MOM: Experience has taught me that everyone has their own clutter tolerance and awareness. Often it varies within families, and in your case you and your daughter have a wide gap between your perceptions.

As much as you might not like the way they live, if your daughter and her boyfriend are of a mind on this issue, I’m guessing it isn’t going to change any time soon, and you’ll find yourself having to grin and bear it whenever you stop in to see them.

Maybe you could start making plans to meet up at your home, or some place else less likely to get on your nerves, so you can focus on being together, rather than an environment that makes you uncomfortable.