Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I enjoy a good scary book or movie, but I never believed all that stuff was real until my family moved into our current house. It isn’t old and creepy in the least. It was built in the mid-1970s. It is a sunny split-level, and is in a nice, normal neighborhood.

Two weeks after we moved in, I started hearing noises. I am home alone with our toddler, and when she is napping, and the house is especially quiet, then I swear I hear someone walking around upstairs, when I know there is no one up there. There can’t be. My husband is at work, and my daughter sleeps in a portable crib on the main floor, near the dining room, where I do parttime legal research for a lawyer friend of mine.

I am not the only one who hears the footsteps. My mother heard them twice when she was babysitting, with, like me, the baby nearby and nobody else in the house. We don’t have any pets, and the first times I heard it, I went upstairs to make sure nothing was rattling around or had fallen down, and everything was in its right place.

It does creep me out a little, I can’t lie. But what gets me more upset is that my husband right out laughs at me when I tell him what I hear. He says it is all in my imagination, and that my mother is like me, very imaginative. When I told him I never said anything to my mother before she heard the sounds, he still does not believe, and sometimes we fight over this.

I do not know what the sound is, but I think it could be a ghost, which is very funny to my husband.

Am I nuts like my husband thinks I am? --- LIVING WITH A GHOST

DEAR LIVING WITH A GHOST: As the resident of a much older home than yours, I don’t think you’re nuts. Houses have their own histories and quirks; and since you’re in the house more than your husband, it’s likely you’re more in tune with your house’s unique personality.

If it would set your mind at ease, you could use your research skills to dig through available public records about the previous owners of your home and any significant events that may have occurred in it. Several years ago, without much effort, we were able to get a complete history of title holders for our home, going back to the woman who built it in the 19th century, and who now rests in the cemetery right down the street.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When we moved into our new home, we agreed to share the cooking, I would do the regular housecleaning, and my husband would do all the outside work and help with the heavy indoor jobs when I need help.

We also agreed whoever doesn’t cook does the dishes. On the weeks when I cook, I end up having to do some of the prior day’s dishes, just so I can cook because my husband doesn’t get around to doing them the night before. So, that means I do double-duty most of the time, because he says the pots and pans are easier to clean if they soak.

He also waits until the grass is so high, not only does it start looking real bad, but it takes him two hours to cut the wild grass, instead of the half-hour or so it would take him if he cut it every week. He says what difference does it make if it takes him two hours once a month or half an hour every week? He doesn’t think about the stress the long, thick grass puts on the lawnmower, which we spent a lot of money on when we moved in.

Sometimes it drives me crazy. I am not the most neat person in the world, but I do like things to be looking nice and to have what I need to do my cooking with.

I have told my husband how I feel about these things, but it makes no difference I see. What else can I do to get him to do what he agreed to do? --- NOT DOING HIS PART

DEAR NOT DOING HIS PART: Unfortunately, as far as the lawn goes it’ll possibly take damaging your lawnmower or getting a citation from your local authorities to get your husband to understand the advantage of putting in those smaller efforts rather than having one heck of a job of it every few weeks. It could be an expensive lesson, but if your attempts at persuasion fall on deaf ears, his learning the hard way may do the trick.

As to the dirty dishes, I’d fight fire with fire, so to speak. When it’s your turn to be the pots and pans washer, you too can leave them to “soak,” just as he does. You’ll need to stand firm and let him experience your frustration at not having what he needs ready to go.

If, as it sounds, you married a chronic procrastinator, it’ll likely be an ongoing struggle for you, but don’t hesitate to remind him of your frustration. It may prove little more than a vent, but hopefully, in time you’ll get through to him at least on some level.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My partner and I each have our own car, but he likes to borrow mine, especially when it rains, because his car doesn’t always start in the rain.

Last month I got a final warning that if $600 of traffic tickets weren’t paid by the end of the month, my car would be booted, and then I would have 48 hours to pay the fines to get the code to unlock the boot and return it.

I did not earn a single cent in violations. Every stinking one of them was my partner’s, but guess who got the tickets, and guess who promised me he would pay them.

Now my car was not only booted, but also towed and impounded overnight until I could get there and pay all the fines and penalties and overnight parking fees, and all that. And now I’m out over a thousand bucks, plus I lost half a day at work, and my partner still has not paid me anything back yet, and even better, had the b###s to ask me to borrow my car again when it rained the other day.

I told him exactly how I felt and that he better cough up what he owes me, but he keeps telling me I need to calm down and don’t I trust him, and all that b######t.

We’ve been living together for almost 8 years, and you would think I would know better, especially since this is not the first time he’s pulled something like this on me. Last time it took him a year to pay me some money he owed me. This is the biggest amount I put out for him and this could be what finishes us off.

I never want to be one of those petty people who go to war over money, but doesn’t this seem like a lot more to you? --- DUMPED ON AGAIN

DEAR DUMPED ON AGAIN: I think you already figured out this is more than a case of dollars and cents. It seems to me what’s at issue here is your partner’s failure to fully respect you, and that certainly is cause for concern. That he’s repaid you in the past shows some glimmer of promise, but if he isn’t able to understand how much his brushing off his debts and responsibilities to you hurts, then your relationship is in real trouble.

If what you have to say isn’t being heard, it may be time to get professional guidance, if you feel committed enough to your partner to try and make a go of it. Love and affection alone aren’t enough to keep a relationship healthy, and both parties need to be willing to do a little work most times and a lot of work at others to help move your lives together in the right direction.