Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: In June my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, which her mother and two aunts also had. I couldn’t live with the uncertainty about whether or not I had the genetic mutation associated with the hereditary form of the disease.

I had myself tested and the test showed I don’t have the mutation, and when I shared this good news with my mother she told me that’s most likely because I was adopted.

That is how at the age of 26 I found out the people who raised me are not my birth parents. I never, ever thought I wasn’t their own child. I am built like my mother and have my father’s coloring, and a lot of his personality.

I was beyond shocked to find this out. My mother told me if it hadn’t been for her diagnosis and my worries about developing breast cancer myself one day, she may have never let me know I was adopted. This news left me confused and hurt in addition to shocked.

We live in a state where adoption records remain sealed, but I have started investigating mutual consent registries in case I decide to try and search for my birth mother, but I don’t know what to do. I love my parents with all my heart, and I know they deeply love me, and while I think I would have liked to know the truth before now, and I have a lot to figure out, I’m not sure how I feel about hunting for a woman who has had no part in my life since the very start of it. I definitely would like to know something of my biological background.

With everything going on with my mom, I don’t feel any big rush to launch a full-out search right now. It feels disloyal to the only people I have known as my parents.

I want to include my mother and father in my decision, but do you think that’s putting too much on them, especially now? --- LOVE MY MOM AND DAD

DEAR LOVE MY MOM AND DAD: It sounds like you have a strong and loving relationship with your parents, and that’s a wonderful thing.

I can also understand, though, how and why you’re curious about your genetic make-up, and getting information on your birth mother might possibly give you some answers to your questions.

However, since you say you’re not feeling in any kind of rush, and you’re more interested in helping your mother and father through your mom’s health crisis, then I believe making the support of them your priority is what will give you and your family the most peace of mind at a time when you could truly use it.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am at a loss as to what to get for my cousin at her upcoming bridal shower.

The “bride and groom” did a COVID courthouse wedding three years ago, and now they are having their full walk-down-the-aisle event, but they already have a house, have been on a honeymoon, and I can’t think of what to give them.

What is an appropriate gift for the already married couple? --- STUMPED

DEAR STUMPED: Personally, I would get her a gift card or two for stores, services, or restaurants you know she enjoys.

I’m guessing you’re going to have this same quandary when it comes time for a wedding gift, and my advice would be nearly the same; only on that occasion I’d opt for either cash or gift cards again, tailoring them to something they can both get some use or enjoyment out of.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Being young and stupid, as I now see it, I had a thing with one of my teachers in my senior year of high school. I think it was just because everyone around me already had boyfriends and girlfriends, and I was the geeky, serious kid everyone thought was a goodie-goodie.

The man was a middle-aged, paunchy guy, who had a reputation of losing his temper in class and not being well-liked by the other staff.

I can’t believe I went for the “my wife doesn’t understand me” line he tossed me over the course of several tutoring sessions. Like I say — young and stupid.

The whole thing hit the fan by spring break. He got 2 years in prison, a divorce, and never taught again.

I got in less trouble, except with my parents, who wanted to kick me out of the house, and would have if my grandmother didn’t get involved.

This all happened over 20 years ago, and to this day, I am “that girl who slept with Mr. _____” to the people who went to high school with me, not the happily married woman with two terrific kids, who has never been in any other kind of social or legal trouble since.

My past came bubbling up again at my 20th reunion this summer. For Christ’s sake, when does this thing ever die?

I didn’t even want to go to the reunion, but my husband and parents pressured me into it, saying everyone would see what a normal, successful human being I am, for all my high school stupidity.

After an unbearable night of what people thought were clever and witty jokes about my affair, I told my husband and parents I will not go through this one more time — ever!

But it still makes me wonder, am I still stupid for expecting anything else, or are my old classmates just stalled in their emotional development? --- IT JUST WON’T GO AWAY

DEAR IT JUST WON’T GO AWAY: Many people can’t find their way to getting past the youthful indiscretions or bad judgments of others. In those cases, I often feel like those who aren’t able to move on are the ones displaying emotional immaturity.

Our missteps and mistakes form the building blocks of our character. You’ve clearly grown beyond your past, and that’s the important thing.

Whether or not you attend a future reunion is entirely up to you, and you alone. If you’d rather skip it, then that’s what you should do. It doesn’t make you anything other than disinterested in investing time and emotional energy on something that only gives you pain.