Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Even though she wasn’t a very pleasant person, especially to our son, to whom she was just out-and-out nasty, our son’s first wife was a great communicator, and kept us up-to-date on what was going on in their lives, even during the divorce.

Our son is now married to a woman who nearly never reaches out to us except to respond directly to a communication either my husband or I initiate. This has been the case since they got married a year after our son and his first wife were divorced. Because our son is an even worse communicator, we rely on getting updates about what’s going on in their lives from his wife.

I would rather not like to feel I am badgering them for news, especially about our grandchildren, who spend half their time with our son and his wife, and who we only get to see a couple times a year because of how far away they all live.

So how do we let them know we like to be kept informed without sounding like we are pushing too hard to be in their lives? --- LIKE TO STAY INFORMED

DEAR LIKE TO STAY INFORMED: Your son’s second wife may not feel comfortable, for whatever reasons, relaying news about her stepchildren, with whom she is possibly still establishing a relationship. Or, she could be a naturally reticent individual, and not generally inclined to be much of a sharer.

Even though he’s not usually who you get your family news from, it might be worth it to reach out more often to your son for your requested updates. If you’re emailing or texting him, I’d also include your daughter-in-law in the message, so she’s aware that you’re eager to consider her fully part of the family.

Another option might be if your grandchildren are old enough to correspond virtually or otherwise, perhaps they can be a source of family news for you, at least to fill you in on their own adventures.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Halloween has always been a big deal in our family. My mom and dad would even switch off taking us around for trick or treating so they were both able to enjoy some of the fun too, and on the weekend closest to the holiday, they would host a big family and friends Halloween party. Everyone looked forward to it.

My sister is married to a man who was raised in a Fundamentalist Christian tradition, which she decided to embrace when they got married.

Her son from her first marriage was a highschooler by the time she and her second husband got together. But her current husband has his own children, who are tweeners. All their friends and their cousins trick or treat, but they are forbidden to. Yet when my sister was married to the father of her son, they were as into the fun of Halloween as the rest of our family.

How they choose to raise their children is their business, but my sister has started going on about how evil and anti-Christian we are for letting our children go trick or treating and celebrating what they call a satanic holiday.

Last time they were over to my house, she started telling our whole family, including the youngest, that to celebrate Halloween is to give in to and help spread evil.

I sometimes cannot believe she is so judgey and preachy, as that is not at all how we were raised, or how she used to be.

What she and her husband do with the kids they’re raising is their business, but why does she feel the need to tell everyone else what’s right or wrong for them? --- NEED MY SISTER TO JUDGE LESS

DEAR NEED MY SISTER TO JUDGE LESS: The “zeal of the convert” often takes those who knew them before their conversion by surprise, and it often requires adjustments by all parties.

At this point, your sister may feel she has an obligation to share, if not impose, her more recently espoused beliefs on others. Hence, the zeal.

While it’s not particularly likely to change her or her husband’s point-of-view, I think you wouldn’t be out of line to remind her that just as you respect her beliefs and choices, you expect her to extend that same curtesy to yours. Your civilly pushing back might at least serve to remind her that her way is not the only way, and that what works for her isn’t necessarily right, or even appropriate, for everyone else.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I would prefer not to categorize children as scammers, but we have three young brothers in my neighborhood who started their own little business around this time last year, which I thought was no bad thing at the time.

When I was away from home for a long weekend last autumn, I returned to a mostly raked front lawn (I have two mature red oaks in front and three in back).

I likewise returned home to a invoice slipped into my mail slot from the boys down the street who decided to take it upon themselves to do the raking and bagging of the leaves, and then bill me for their time and supplies (garden waste bags). At least they didn’t charge me — directly — for their rakes and leaf blower.

I didn’t see this so much as an act of entrepreneurship as one of extortion. The invoice was very professional-looking, and even had “Thank you for your business!” printed at the bottom. It was “payable upon receipt.”

Needless to say, I was neither happy nor impressed. After I unpacked the car, I rapped on the neighbor’s door and was greeted by a the pleasant, smiling mother of the “businessmen.”

She asked if everything was alright, and when I told her no, it certainly was not alright, and that I was far from pleased her children had invoiced me for a service for which I never asked.

She said she was surprised that was the case, as her boys had told her they had spoken to me and everything had been arranged.

I don’t know to this day if I believe she had no knowledge of what her sons tried to pull off, but I told her this would not fly, and that I would appreciate it if she let her sons know this, and that I did not intend to pay for their services.

When I got back to my house, I started feeling a little bad about being so stern, and ended up paying the amount asked for, which was in fact reasonable for what they had accomplished, which was a rather good job overall.

I am now preparing to take another long weekend trip, and the leaves have been coming down.

Does it not seem reasonable for me to speak up to my neighbors to renew my request to not be charged for services rendered, but not authorized? --- THANKS, BUT NO THANKS

DEAR THANKS, BUT NO THANKS: You were generous to pay your neighbors last year, but unless you want to encourage a repeat of the situation, it does seem to me it would be best for you to reach out to the ambitious neighbors and politely, but firmly, tell both the boys and their mother that should you want their services now or in the future, you’ll let them know.

There’s no point burning a bridge by being overly harsh when you speak to them.

You admit the boys did a good job, and there might be some yardwork you’d be glad to have taken off your hands sometime down the road.