Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My cubemate is one of those people who has to watch the clock, and comment on it throughout the day.

He comes up with cute little comments on just about every single hour, and it isn’t like he changes them up much. He has like three possible comments for each hour, and it is driving me a little nuts.

I know he doesn’t do it just to get to me, because I have heard him making the same comments when I am nearby but not in our cubicle.

And I’m not the only one who knows about what he does. I hear some of our coworkers pass snarky comments, which make me angry on behalf of my cubemate. He is not a bad guy, just kind of nerdy.

Do I say something to him for his own good about what people think about his comments, or let it go and let him learn the hard way? --- TIME TO STOP COMMENTING ON THE TIME

DEAR TIME TO STOP COMMENTING ON THE TIME: Since you’re not unsympathetic towards your cubemate, it might be better to tactfully and gently let him know other people are taking unkind note of his practice of passing little comments on the time throughout the day.

He may not have a clue that it’s an issue, especially if it’s something he’s done before without any known hitches.

Most of us have our idiosyncrasies; you just happen to be perhaps a little too well-acquainted with one of your nearest coworker’s.

As I see it, it’d be a decent thing to do for you to gently and openly let him know not everyone appreciates his efforts at timekeeping. Doing so could save him from the embarrassment and hurt of hearing about it from less compassionate coworkers.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Even though she wasn’t a very pleasant person, especially to our son, to whom she was just out-and-out nasty, our son’s first wife was a great communicator, and kept us up-to-date on what was going on in their lives, even during the divorce.

Our son is now married to a woman who nearly never reaches out to us except to respond directly to a communication either my husband or I initiate. This has been the case since they got married a year after our son and his first wife were divorced. Because our son is an even worse communicator, we rely on getting updates about what’s going on in their lives from his wife.

I would rather not like to feel I am badgering them for news, especially about our grandchildren, who spend half their time with our son and his wife, and who we only get to see a couple times a year because of how far away they all live.

So how do we let them know we like to be kept informed without sounding like we are pushing too hard to be in their lives? --- LIKE TO STAY INFORMED

DEAR LIKE TO STAY INFORMED: Your son’s second wife may not feel comfortable, for whatever reasons, relaying news about her stepchildren, with whom she is possibly still establishing a relationship. Or, she could be a naturally reticent individual, and not generally inclined to be much of a sharer.

Even though he’s not usually who you get your family news from, it might be worth it to reach out more often to your son for your requested updates. If you’re emailing or texting him, I’d also include your daughter-in-law in the message, so she’s aware that you’re eager to consider her fully part of the family.

Another option might be if your grandchildren are old enough to correspond virtually or otherwise, perhaps they can be a source of family news for you, at least to fill you in on their own adventures.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Halloween has always been a big deal in our family. My mom and dad would even switch off taking us around for trick or treating so they were both able to enjoy some of the fun too, and on the weekend closest to the holiday, they would host a big family and friends Halloween party. Everyone looked forward to it.

My sister is married to a man who was raised in a Fundamentalist Christian tradition, which she decided to embrace when they got married.

Her son from her first marriage was a highschooler by the time she and her second husband got together. But her current husband has his own children, who are tweeners. All their friends and their cousins trick or treat, but they are forbidden to. Yet when my sister was married to the father of her son, they were as into the fun of Halloween as the rest of our family.

How they choose to raise their children is their business, but my sister has started going on about how evil and anti-Christian we are for letting our children go trick or treating and celebrating what they call a satanic holiday.

Last time they were over to my house, she started telling our whole family, including the youngest, that to celebrate Halloween is to give in to and help spread evil.

I sometimes cannot believe she is so judgey and preachy, as that is not at all how we were raised, or how she used to be.

What she and her husband do with the kids they’re raising is their business, but why does she feel the need to tell everyone else what’s right or wrong for them? --- NEED MY SISTER TO JUDGE LESS

DEAR NEED MY SISTER TO JUDGE LESS: The “zeal of the convert” often takes those who knew them before their conversion by surprise, and it often requires adjustments by all parties.

At this point, your sister may feel she has an obligation to share, if not impose, her more recently espoused beliefs on others. Hence, the zeal.

While it’s not particularly likely to change her or her husband’s point-of-view, I think you wouldn’t be out of line to remind her that just as you respect her beliefs and choices, you expect her to extend that same curtesy to yours. Your civilly pushing back might at least serve to remind her that her way is not the only way, and that what works for her isn’t necessarily right, or even appropriate, for everyone else.