Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Because she’s the mom, the family court almost always sides with my ex-daughter-in-law when custody problems come up.

This year my son had applied to switch the holidays he gets my grandson, so my husband and I could see him when we visit him for Christmas. His ex has our grandson most of the time, including the summer months, half the weekends and the major holidays of her choice.

This year she let our son have our grandson for the long Thanksgiving weekend, when she and her boyfriend were away on a mini-vacation anyway. She also is “generously” allowing his dad to have him on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, both of which we guess she’ll also be spending with her boyfriend.

Our son asked for a few hours on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day as a special treat for us. We haven’t been able to make the holiday trip for the past two years, and our grandson has changed a bunch since then.

It would mean so much to us to get to see him on either Christmas Eve or Day, but she won’t budge on an informal swap for even a few hours on one of those days, which really stinks even more because she has to work Christmas Eve and will have my grandson with a sitter until after 7 p.m. anyway.

What makes people so selfish and mean, especially to their own flesh and blood even? --- WILL MISS MY GRANDSON ANOTHER CHRISTMAS

DEAR WILL MISS MY GRANDSON ANOTHER CHRISTMAS: I can’t speak to your ex-daughter-in-law’s motive, but too often I’ve known of cases where the children are part of a power play between their divorcing or divorced parents.

The tussles never end well for most of the people involved, and the children are always caught painfully and sadly in the middle.

Hopefully something will be able to be worked out between your son and his ex-wife that’ll result in your having some prime time with your grandson during your holiday visit.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband’s ex-wife is absolutely beautiful. I can never deny it. It was partially why the marriage didn’t last. Men and women flirt with her all the time, and more than once, she failed to resist the temptation that went with the flirtation.

Both my kids and my husband’s from his first marriage attend the same schools. That means we often run into his ex at school-sponsored events and games. My stepson plays varsity football at our high school, and both his mother and my husband are active booster members.

I know my husband is over his ex. She did a good job of smashing his heart with her serial affairs. Still, it is not always easy to see how everyone reacts when she shows up somewhere. The man she is with now gets hit with the “lucky dog” reaction from the adult men, who are mesmerized by her looks.

I can see my stepson get physically agitated when he’s around all the adoration of his mother. It isn’t always of a very flattering type, and he has told me that some of his friends have told her his mom’s definitely a MILF.

This is not the kind of thing a 16-year-old-boy needs or wants to hear.

My husband knows about this, but doesn’t have a clue what to say to his son. So he says nothing.

I have some ideas, such as to let my stepson know his friends’ and their dads’ reaction to his mom is a natural male response to an attractive female, and that sort of thing.

At least we would be letting him know we are aware of what is going on and how it may be affecting him. That opens the door to his talking to us, both his dad and me, about it if he feels the need.

Doesn’t it seem like a better idea to try and face the situation rather than not doing anything about it at all? --- NEED TO OPEN THE CONVERSATION

DEAR NEED TO OPEN THE CONVERSATION: I agree it wouldn’t be a bad idea for at least his father to open a channel of communication with your stepson about how people respond to his mother’s looks.

One specific aspect you might want to be prepared to deal with is what, if any, rumors have reached your stepson about why his parents’ marriage ended.

Some people love to conjecture and gossip about what goes wrong in other people’s relationships, often getting creative with the facts of what really happened — and I’d imagine this is a greater possibility if any of the other parents currently active in your kids’ school were around when your husband and his ex were going through their divorce.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My wife is one of those people who has her holiday gifts bought and wrapped by mid-October. That’s the system that works for her.

What she never gets is that I work differently. I prefer to wait until the last minute because 1) there are great deals the days right before Christmas, and 2) it usually is my job to take care of the last minute gifts guaranteed to pop up every year.

Last minute is how I work best. I hit the stores and websites with what I am comfortable is enough time to get what I need to done.

Why can’t I convince my wife of that? --- I GOT THIS

DEAR I GOT THIS: I know of many couples for whom there’s a similar discrepancy in the sense of urgency when it comes to holiday shopping. You may never convince your wife that your way is the right way, and that’s just how it’ll stay, provided you can both make peace with your disparate approaches.

I say let her do her thing, and you do yours. But you might want to continue gently and politely reminding your wife of what you claimed above — that you’ve got your checklist well under control, despite how it looks from her differently organized mental perspective.