Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am engaged to a brilliant and sweet woman.

I knew her first as a friend, when we were both in other relationships that eventually fell apart.

When she and her ex broke up, she put all the blame on herself, even though he was the one who wanted to see other people. She refused to believe it wasn’t because she screwed up somehow.

I know she is scared she is going to do something to mess up our relationship. I told her that I wouldn’t have proposed to her if I didn’t think we had a great thing going.

I also see how she is letting her mother and my mother push her around with the wedding planning. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and thinks since they both planned their own weddings, and my mother planned my sister’s, they know what’s best and she would only mess everything up.

I want my fiancée to have the wedding she wants, and I want her to believe she has a lot to give both me and the world.

How do I boost her self-confidence? --- NO BELIEF IN HERSELF

DEAR NO BELIEF IN HERSELF: One thing that may help begin building your fiancée’s self-confidence is if you consistently and clearly let her know when you feel her ideas or suggestions are right on target.

A polite, but firm, word with the two mothers to remind them that this is not their wedding might also be in order.

By publicly letting all three ladies know you support your fiancée’s choices, you assert both your confidence in her and your resolution to have the wedding she and you want.

Given your fiancée’s reluctance to believe in herself, now’s the time, before you’re settling into married life, to help build her up — and let the mothers know you’re not looking for them to run your lives.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: We lost our good old dog around this time last year.

The rest of the family wanted to get a new puppy right away, but I was not up to it, especially since I knew I would be the one doing most of the care for it.

My son turned 12 last month, and the thing he wanted most in the world was a new puppy. My husband and I talked it over a lot and we concluded at 12 a child is more than able to share in pet care. We thought it would be a good education for him. He is already a great kid, but he could be more responsible.

So we adopted a 9-month-old puppy from the shelter. She had been part of a litter bred by an amateur breeder who didn’t find a buyer for her and one of her siblings and was not interested in keeping either of them.

This is one very sweet puppy, but she has become totally attached to me and obviously prefers me over my son.

He is doing his best to not let me know he is kind of hurt by this, and he does an awesome job helping take care of his puppy. My husband and I are so proud of him for that.

But we are worried he will get discouraged by the lack of obvious devotion from his puppy.

I know dogs usually imprint on or favor some people more than others. Our son’s puppy is good with everyone, but how do we keep our son interested and engaged in caring for the puppy who runs to me whenever I’m around, even if she’s sitting with our son on the couch or his bed? --- PUPPY LOVE

DEAR PUPPY LOVE: I’ve seen what you’re experiencing with many dog’s I’ve known through the years. They pick their favorites, and that doesn’t seem to change.

I’d continue encouraging your son to keep up the good work, and perhaps explain to him that it’s in the nature of dogs and other animals to feel a special connection to one person in the family, and that it doesn’t at all mean his puppy loves or trusts him any less.

Dogs know when they’re loved and respond to that. The pup may always slightly favor you, but the more your son continues to do for and with his furry friend should reinforce how he too holds a special place in her world, just as she does in his.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Because she’s the mom, the family court almost always sides with my ex-daughter-in-law when custody problems come up.

This year my son had applied to switch the holidays he gets my grandson, so my husband and I could see him when we visit him for Christmas. His ex has our grandson most of the time, including the summer months, half the weekends and the major holidays of her choice.

This year she let our son have our grandson for the long Thanksgiving weekend, when she and her boyfriend were away on a mini-vacation anyway. She also is “generously” allowing his dad to have him on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, both of which we guess she’ll also be spending with her boyfriend.

Our son asked for a few hours on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day as a special treat for us. We haven’t been able to make the holiday trip for the past two years, and our grandson has changed a bunch since then.

It would mean so much to us to get to see him on either Christmas Eve or Day, but she won’t budge on an informal swap for even a few hours on one of those days, which really stinks even more because she has to work Christmas Eve and will have my grandson with a sitter until after 7 p.m. anyway.

What makes people so selfish and mean, especially to their own flesh and blood even? --- WILL MISS MY GRANDSON ANOTHER CHRISTMAS

DEAR WILL MISS MY GRANDSON ANOTHER CHRISTMAS: I can’t speak to your ex-daughter-in-law’s motive, but too often I’ve known of cases where the children are part of a power play between their divorcing or divorced parents.

The tussles never end well for most of the people involved, and the children are always caught painfully and sadly in the middle.

Hopefully something will be able to be worked out between your son and his ex-wife that’ll result in your having some prime time with your grandson during your holiday visit.