Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I’ve raised a wonderful 22-year-old daughter who is currently out living on her own for the first time. She has gotten a job, hasn’t spent all her money, and has done quite well living on her own.

She grew up with a rather strict father, but I myself as a mother have always been less strict and more supportive and encouraging for her to be whoever she wants to be. I was super supportive of her move to Miami.

Recently however, I found out that even though she is doing really well at most things, she has done a few things, which although I am not that upset by, her father would be if he knew.

Recently one of her friend’s mothers (her daughter moved in with my daughter) told me that both of our kids loved going to this nightclub to party. At first I thought that was fine, but then I was informed that on two occasions they both participated in some events. The events were a wet t-shirt contest and bikini Jello wrestling. I was also informed that my daughter and her friend go topless and wear just thong bottoms to the beach, as is common in Miami.

Apparently my daughter’s friend is very honest with her mother and the mother didn’t think anything of telling me this information.

On one hand, everyone has to do crazy things especially when young, but on the other hand I know her father would be super angry with this. There was even a picture of our daughters showing off their butts at the beach on her friend’s social media.

Personally I am torn between: 1. looking the other way; 2. Telling my daughter to stop the wild activities; and 3. Telling her father so he can step in.

Honestly her life is going great and so far nothing bad has happened because she is doing these things. I still think she has a great future, but as her mom I worry. So far I’m leaning in the direction of being the cool mom and pretending I don’t know of these things. I can let her have her wild moment or two, or even congratulate her since she did actually win the wet t-shirt contest. I know if I was her friend I would do that for sure, but instead I’m her mom.

What should I do? --- TORN

DEAR TORN: So long as your daughter hasn’t directly shared information with you regarding her adventures, I’m guessing she prefers for you not to know about them, at least not yet, very possibly because she’s guessing how her father would react.

Your adult daughter is entitled to live her own life. It’s natural for you to worry about her. It’s what parents do. But as long as she’s not breaking any laws or endangering herself or others, then I think the best course is to let her be the one to decide when or if to share information about her leisure pursuits with you and her father.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Before he died my grandfather used to show me and my sister the only guitar he kept from his collection he started way back when he was my age. It was an early 1960s Gibson SG Special. I remember how beautiful and next-to-new it looked and he showed us how he had our Gram sew in a little rose in the case for him.

He told me that since I was what he called the musical one in the family, he wanted to make sure I got his guitar to keep it in the family.

When I was downtown last week I saw my grandfather’s guitar in a pawn shop. I knew it was his because I could see the rose my Gran made for the case.

I never knew what happened to it, so I asked my dad, and he said so far as he knew, my aunt still had it and that it was supposed to stay in the family, no matter what.

When I asked my aunt about it she told me her daughter, my cousin and someone I thought of as a good friend, had been given the guitar when she turned 21. So far as she knew it was still being held onto by my cousin.

When I caught up with my cousin she said she needed some cash, so she pawned it, and was saving up to go back and get it asap.

So far I haven’t told anyone besides my sister and my parents about this. It was a sad deal to me because my grandfather had always told me I would get to be the next one to hold onto the guitar. So I think it should have come to me.

Now I am mad at my cousin for hocking it.

The pawn shop wants nearly $3500, and I don’t have that kind of money, and I know my cousin sure as sh_t doesn’t have it either. So I think the guitar that was so loved by my Grandpa, which was supposed to have come to me, will be lost to the family.

How is this right?! --- NOT HERS TO HOCK

DEAR NOT HERS TO HOCK: I don’t blame you for being upset if you had every reason to believe the guitar was to have been yours according to your grandfather’s wishes.

Unfortunately, without any concrete evidence that you were the one intended by your grandfather to have the guitar, that battle is most likely lost.

However, perhaps something can still be done to raise the money to get either your cousin’s loan settled or the guitar directly purchased.

You might want to investigate if anyone else in the family agrees this is an heirloom worth holding onto. If so, you could possibly arrange for a loan or other financial assistance to help you make certain your grandfather’s treasure remains in the family.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Because of his neuropathy in his feet Dad can no longer drive, including to doctors’ appointments. He still lives on his own and has an aide who comes in three times a week, but she also doesn’t drive, so she can’t get him to the doctor. That leaves me getting him to his appointments, especially after we tried the senior transport offered by our county, which was more frustration than it was worth.

Whenever possible I make all Dad’s appointments at the very end of the day or as close to my lunch break as I can. I ALWAYS make up my hours within a day or two of taking the time out of the working day to get him where he needs to be.

I am far from the only person in the office who needs to flex their time to cover family situations, but almost all the others are mothers of school-age kids, not middle-aged men like me.

A couple of weeks ago my boss made a comment about how much flexing I’ve been doing. It was when Dad had pneumonia on top of his other health issues and I had to get him first to urgent care and then to follow-up visits with his regular doctor. I told her I made up every single minute I lost during the 9-5 work day, and yet I was the one who got a comment, not the women who leave early to get their kids to their doctor appointments or even to or from afterschool activities.

I reminded my boss I always make up the time, but I still felt like I was being targeted because I am not a mother.

Doesn’t that seem lopsided to you? --- DAD NEEDS ME

DEAR DAD NEEDS ME: As long as you’re getting your work done and your required hours in each week, and that’s how your office runs, it does seem unreasonable if you’re being singled out for your time-flexing for family care.

Before coming to that conclusion, though, you might want to speak with some of your female coworkers to see if in fact your boss has made any comments to them about the amount of days they end up having to rearrange their schedule to accommodate the demands of their family life.

You may find you’re not the only one being singled out after all.