Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am a divorced woman in my late 40s. My child is in college. I am dating a man of similar age and situation. We have had a great, loving relationship for 2.5 years.

“Matt” and his sister “Martha” like to call themselves “Irish twins.” They are 14 months apart in age and very close.

Due to geographical distance, we have only visited with her a couple of times. The first time, I was fairly unimpressed with her because she was volatile and snippy with their elderly mother, a delightful lady with whom I bonded over a shared antiquing hobby.

Their mother died several months ago. Matt asked me to help sort out her collection. I worked “virtually” to help, giving my opinion on the value of items and suggesting auction houses that would maximize their profit. My advice brought the estate a five figure profit.

Last week, Matt and I visited his hometown for the final clean-out of the house. I worked hard to be helpful, running loads of donations to charity shops. Many more treasures were uncovered. Martha alternated between mocking my expertise ‒ “Oh girl, give it a rest. Throw those things in the donation pile!” ‒ and making snide remarks about me being a trash picker.

Matt told me I could have anything I wanted from that pile. I ended up with some jewelry that I will treasure always.

At one point, I overheard Martha making hateful remarks about my “greed.” Matt has waffled between saying I might have imagined this or maybe his sister was just tired. I decided to let it slide, she is grieving after all. But I know what I heard!

The last night we were at the house, Martha announced that she will plan spring break for all of us ‒ her family, Matt and I, and Matt’s kids ‒ in a big house together. I DON'T WANT TO GO! Martha seems very hostile and unlikable. She actually reminds me of my ex who was abusive.

Matt has said he thinks a trip would be a great opportunity for his two favorite girls to bond. I honestly do not see this happening. However, I am afraid that slamming a door on Martha will hurt my relationship with Matt.

Should I just tell everyone I will go “next time”? --- DEE IN DESMOINES

DEAR DEE IN DESMOINES: You’re in a tight spot, but it seems to me finding yourself forced to be around Martha for a spring break vacation she’s taken the lead on may also have the potential to damage your relationship with Matt.

At the very least it isn’t likely to prove a relaxing getaway for you if you have to spend it keeping your feelings about Martha in check in front of everyone, especially her indulgent brother.

My recommendation would be for you to find a way to bow out of the spring break trip as gracefully as possible, or at least limit the amount of time you spend in the same house as Martha. Putting in an appearance for a couple of days would be one way to demonstrate your support of the grieving family and shorten your exposure to someone who doesn’t exactly give you the warm and fuzzies.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I worked literally up to the day our son was born. Before he was born my husband and I looked at our finances and worked out I can take at least a year off from working to be home with our son. My husband is able to pick up extra hours at his job and the OT is really good. We figured out if he works one extra half shift a week, that covers some of my lost income and we have gotten really good at budgeting, so things were good the first two months.

A second shift opening came up a few weeks ago and it means an extra $2 an hour plus the chance for more overtime and so my husband grabbed the spot.

Now he leaves the house around two, works until at least 11 p.m., and does not get home until midnight or later. Then he doesn’t get to sleep until sometimes two in the morning and by the time he gets his rest there is not much time to spend with our son and me before he heads out to work again.

The extra money is the only good thing about the new shift, and I am not saying we cannot use the extra money, but we were doing okay without it and right now we have almost zero family time most days of the week and I get to feeling lonely sometimes.

I have asked him to try and get back on the day shift, but he said the differential is too good to give up right now.

I want him to have time with us. I have long days and evenings all alone with our beautiful baby, and as much as it wears me down sometimes and I miss my husband, I think it is worse for him because he is missing time with his son.

Even on his days off, he is still on his workday sleep schedule, although he tries to be up earlier, but I see he is tired for the rest of the day.

How do I convince my husband we can make it on the income from the original dayshift plan? --- WE WERE GOOD BEFORE

DEAR WE WERE GOOD BEFORE: Your husband’s urge to provide well for his family is a normal one.

You mentioned you were managing on his previous income, so it seems to me the way to convince him that was the case is to give him some solid evidence of that through bank and credit card statements, or whatever other methods you were using to make one income cover your costs of living.

You can also stress what you shared about how lonely you are while you’re home alone with your little one for the long stretches of your husband’s work and sleep schedule and how much he’s missing out on with his current routine.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I’ve raised a wonderful 22-year-old daughter who is currently out living on her own for the first time. She has gotten a job, hasn’t spent all her money, and has done quite well living on her own.

She grew up with a rather strict father, but I myself as a mother have always been less strict and more supportive and encouraging for her to be whoever she wants to be. I was super supportive of her move to Miami.

Recently however, I found out that even though she is doing really well at most things, she has done a few things, which although I am not that upset by, her father would be if he knew.

Recently one of her friend’s mothers (her daughter moved in with my daughter) told me that both of our kids loved going to this nightclub to party. At first I thought that was fine, but then I was informed that on two occasions they both participated in some events. The events were a wet t-shirt contest and bikini Jello wrestling. I was also informed that my daughter and her friend go topless and wear just thong bottoms to the beach, as is common in Miami.

Apparently my daughter’s friend is very honest with her mother and the mother didn’t think anything of telling me this information.

On one hand, everyone has to do crazy things especially when young, but on the other hand I know her father would be super angry with this. There was even a picture of our daughters showing off their butts at the beach on her friend’s social media.

Personally I am torn between: 1. looking the other way; 2. Telling my daughter to stop the wild activities; and 3. Telling her father so he can step in.

Honestly her life is going great and so far nothing bad has happened because she is doing these things. I still think she has a great future, but as her mom I worry. So far I’m leaning in the direction of being the cool mom and pretending I don’t know of these things. I can let her have her wild moment or two, or even congratulate her since she did actually win the wet t-shirt contest. I know if I was her friend I would do that for sure, but instead I’m her mom.

What should I do? --- TORN

DEAR TORN: So long as your daughter hasn’t directly shared information with you regarding her adventures, I’m guessing she prefers for you not to know about them, at least not yet, very possibly because she’s guessing how her father would react.

Your adult daughter is entitled to live her own life. It’s natural for you to worry about her. It’s what parents do. But as long as she’s not breaking any laws or endangering herself or others, then I think the best course is to let her be the one to decide when or if to share information about her leisure pursuits with you and her father.