Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: While I was in college my Uncle Pete, who owns his own custom home building company, took me on during my breaks. Then after I graduated he hired me fulltime since I did not have anything else lined up.

By working for him I’ve been able to learn a lot about carpentry and basic plumbing and electric installations. I also have been able to work as a translator between him and the immigrants he has on his crews. He has had me teach him Spanish, which he has gotten really good at speaking.

I am grateful as hell to Uncle Pete for giving me a job and teaching me everything he knows. Now, though, I want to move on and try to get a job in my degree field, which is in biomedical engineering. I have had some good responses from three different companies where I applied for entry-level positions. I know I won’t make as much money starting out as I do with my uncle right now, but it’s where my interest and my future are.

My uncle has come to rely on me. He is getting older and does less of the more labor-intensive work. I have been picking up for him in that department. I love and respect my uncle, and I feel like I will be letting him down. I think he has been beginning to expect that I’ll take over the business when he retires, but it’s not for me.

How do I tell him I need to move on? --- READY TO MOVE ON

DEAR READY TO MOVE ON: I think being open and honest with your uncle is the only way to go. He knows you went to school for a degree, and it’s entirely reasonable for you to want to pursue a career in your chosen field.

Bear in mind that during the time you’ve been working for him, your uncle has also benefited from what you brought to the table. It’s been a quid pro quo in many ways, so you shouldn’t feel that moving on means you’re in any way disloyal or ungrateful.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: All my 12-year-old grandson keeps asking for for his next birthday is a complete drum set. His dad had one when he was his age and so like father like son, I suppose. And if I weren’t living with my son’s family, I would think it’s a fine idea.

I live in the basement apartment the kids rigged up for me after my wife and I split and she moved in with her new guy. I like my little nest. I am close to my grandkids and I get along well with my son and daughter-in-law.

That could all change though if I have to hear my grandson banging away on the drums they said will be set up in the family room, which happens to be right above my bedroom.

I am more or less a guest here, although I do pay a little rent to help offset the kids’ expenses. So does that give me a say in living underneath a budding Keith Moon? --- WANT A DRUM-FREE ZONE

DEAR WANT A DRUM-FREE ZONE: As an immediate member of the family in whose house you reside, it isn’t unreasonable to offer your opinion on the impending arrival of the drums and how your grandson’s practicing on them will affect you.

However, it’s not your house, and the folks who pay the mortgage get to have the final say in such matters.

My advice to you is to invest in a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones or earbuds.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I turn 14 this May and I have already told my mom I do not want to spend two months with my dad this summer, like I have since I was seven. I want to do band camp and have more time with my boyfriend and other friends.

Where my dad is I only have a little stepbrother and two girls I have hung out with every summer, and the two girls told me they were not going to be around much of the summer because they are traveling with their families and one of them also has to do summer school.

I know it will hurt my dad when I tell him, but is not hurting his feelings enough of a reason to make myself unhappy for eight weeks every summer? --- WANT TO STAY HOME

DEAR WANT TO STAY HOME: Hopefully your father will understand how your life is changing as you grow older. It seems to me at the very least you certainly owe him a conversation about how and what you’re feeling.

Perhaps you can consider still giving him at least some time this summer, even if it’s a week or two. That could lessen the sting of his not getting to spend all the time with you he may be counting on.

In addition to your dad’s feelings, there’re potentially also legally binding custody arrangements that have to be taken into account and which would be another good reason for working out a compromise with your parents for your summer vacation.