Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Just after the first of the year, my neighbor and dear friend’s daughter and son-in-law had a courthouse wedding to save money. They followed it up with a nice family and close friends party held at a picnic shelter in a local park. Everyone had a great time.

Being like second parents to the bride, we gave them a generous cash gift at the time. They put it towards some expenses they had in the house they had just bought.

Now, the couple has decided to have a big, formal wedding later this year. My friend tells me it is going to be the full-out affair, with a sit-down dinner, DJ, and the works. I have been to the venue for other weddings, and it is beautiful.

I am glad the couple is having what I guess was always their real dream wedding if that’s what they always wanted. What I am not at all sure about is what do we give them this time around. They have a house, went on a honeymoon, and both have good jobs. As a matter of fact, my friend told me they are mostly paying for the wedding.

I feel we can’t show up with no gift, but we already gave them a big gift at the first wedding party.

What do you think is appropriate to do for the couple’s second wedding? --- SECOND WEDDING, SAME COUPLE

DEAR SECOND WEDDING, SAME COUPLE: I honestly don’t think you need to go big at all this time around. It’s possible the couple isn’t expecting any gift from you beyond having you as part of their formal celebration.

If, however, you still feel you’d like to do a little something for them, perhaps you could give them a small, sentimental gift that is inexpensive but would mean something to the couple.

Another option is simply a card with a heartfelt personal message written in it.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: While I was in college my Uncle Pete, who owns his own custom home building company, took me on during my breaks. Then after I graduated he hired me fulltime since I did not have anything else lined up.

By working for him I’ve been able to learn a lot about carpentry and basic plumbing and electric installations. I also have been able to work as a translator between him and the immigrants he has on his crews. He has had me teach him Spanish, which he has gotten really good at speaking.

I am grateful as hell to Uncle Pete for giving me a job and teaching me everything he knows. Now, though, I want to move on and try to get a job in my degree field, which is in biomedical engineering. I have had some good responses from three different companies where I applied for entry-level positions. I know I won’t make as much money starting out as I do with my uncle right now, but it’s where my interest and my future are.

My uncle has come to rely on me. He is getting older and does less of the more labor-intensive work. I have been picking up for him in that department. I love and respect my uncle, and I feel like I will be letting him down. I think he has been beginning to expect that I’ll take over the business when he retires, but it’s not for me.

How do I tell him I need to move on? --- READY TO MOVE ON

DEAR READY TO MOVE ON: I think being open and honest with your uncle is the only way to go. He knows you went to school for a degree, and it’s entirely reasonable for you to want to pursue a career in your chosen field.

Bear in mind that during the time you’ve been working for him, your uncle has also benefited from what you brought to the table. It’s been a quid pro quo in many ways, so you shouldn’t feel that moving on means you’re in any way disloyal or ungrateful.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: All my 12-year-old grandson keeps asking for for his next birthday is a complete drum set. His dad had one when he was his age and so like father like son, I suppose. And if I weren’t living with my son’s family, I would think it’s a fine idea.

I live in the basement apartment the kids rigged up for me after my wife and I split and she moved in with her new guy. I like my little nest. I am close to my grandkids and I get along well with my son and daughter-in-law.

That could all change though if I have to hear my grandson banging away on the drums they said will be set up in the family room, which happens to be right above my bedroom.

I am more or less a guest here, although I do pay a little rent to help offset the kids’ expenses. So does that give me a say in living underneath a budding Keith Moon? --- WANT A DRUM-FREE ZONE

DEAR WANT A DRUM-FREE ZONE: As an immediate member of the family in whose house you reside, it isn’t unreasonable to offer your opinion on the impending arrival of the drums and how your grandson’s practicing on them will affect you.

However, it’s not your house, and the folks who pay the mortgage get to have the final say in such matters.

My advice to you is to invest in a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones or earbuds.