Ask Someone Else's Mom

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my father got remarried I was happy for him. I only met my new stepmother a few times before the wedding and she seemed OK. My Dad had been alone for years and it seemed like a normal thing to want to be with someone.

Now I have got to know my stepmother I know she is a horrible person in many ways. She has pushed a wedge between me and Dad and my sister told me it is the same with her and our father.

Not only is this woman horrible but she has a daughter six years younger than me and she is as much of a bi#ch as her mother, maybe even more of one based on what she has shown every time I have had to be around her.

I love my Dad and don’t want to cut him out of my life, but I don’t think I can take being around his new wife and stepdaughter from hell.

The last time I had dinner with my Dad I told him that I am not comfortable with his new family and he took it hard.

Did I make a mistake telling him how I feel? --- HURT HIS FEELINGS

DEAR HURT HIS FEELINGS: Whether it was right or wrong is a moot point since your conversation with your dad is in the past. You were honest with him, and although what you had to say hurt him, he now knows how you feel about his new wife and stepdaughter.

Hopefully you’ll be able to work through your resentments and find ways to still have time with your father. It’s most likely not easy for him to find himself caught between his two families, so having some support from you and your sister might make a big difference for him, especially if down the road he comes to a conclusion similar to yours about the new women in his life.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Just after the first of the year, my neighbor and dear friend’s daughter and son-in-law had a courthouse wedding to save money. They followed it up with a nice family and close friends party held at a picnic shelter in a local park. Everyone had a great time.

Being like second parents to the bride, we gave them a generous cash gift at the time. They put it towards some expenses they had in the house they had just bought.

Now, the couple has decided to have a big, formal wedding later this year. My friend tells me it is going to be the full-out affair, with a sit-down dinner, DJ, and the works. I have been to the venue for other weddings, and it is beautiful.

I am glad the couple is having what I guess was always their real dream wedding if that’s what they always wanted. What I am not at all sure about is what do we give them this time around. They have a house, went on a honeymoon, and both have good jobs. As a matter of fact, my friend told me they are mostly paying for the wedding.

I feel we can’t show up with no gift, but we already gave them a big gift at the first wedding party.

What do you think is appropriate to do for the couple’s second wedding? --- SECOND WEDDING, SAME COUPLE

DEAR SECOND WEDDING, SAME COUPLE: I honestly don’t think you need to go big at all this time around. It’s possible the couple isn’t expecting any gift from you beyond having you as part of their formal celebration.

If, however, you still feel you’d like to do a little something for them, perhaps you could give them a small, sentimental gift that is inexpensive but would mean something to the couple.

Another option is simply a card with a heartfelt personal message written in it.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: While I was in college my Uncle Pete, who owns his own custom home building company, took me on during my breaks. Then after I graduated he hired me fulltime since I did not have anything else lined up.

By working for him I’ve been able to learn a lot about carpentry and basic plumbing and electric installations. I also have been able to work as a translator between him and the immigrants he has on his crews. He has had me teach him Spanish, which he has gotten really good at speaking.

I am grateful as hell to Uncle Pete for giving me a job and teaching me everything he knows. Now, though, I want to move on and try to get a job in my degree field, which is in biomedical engineering. I have had some good responses from three different companies where I applied for entry-level positions. I know I won’t make as much money starting out as I do with my uncle right now, but it’s where my interest and my future are.

My uncle has come to rely on me. He is getting older and does less of the more labor-intensive work. I have been picking up for him in that department. I love and respect my uncle, and I feel like I will be letting him down. I think he has been beginning to expect that I’ll take over the business when he retires, but it’s not for me.

How do I tell him I need to move on? --- READY TO MOVE ON

DEAR READY TO MOVE ON: I think being open and honest with your uncle is the only way to go. He knows you went to school for a degree, and it’s entirely reasonable for you to want to pursue a career in your chosen field.

Bear in mind that during the time you’ve been working for him, your uncle has also benefited from what you brought to the table. It’s been a quid pro quo in many ways, so you shouldn’t feel that moving on means you’re in any way disloyal or ungrateful.