DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old man whose wife died two years ago. For the past year, I have been dating a spry widow whose husband died about the same time my wife died. We have a lovely relationship and have talked about getting married.

The problem is her dead husband's ashes. She keeps them in a fancy gold box on the mantle of her fireplace. I just recently found out what is in the box, and I think this is morbid. Sometimes she stands in front of the box and reminisces about her dead husband. Her family tells me that she has requested that her husband's ashes be placed in her coffin when she dies. I find this somewhat disturbing.

I had a serious talk with her, so she knows I object to having the remains of her husband on the mantle. I would like a permanent relationship, and she has told me she loves me and is interested in getting married. However, she is not willing to remove the ashes from the mantle.

Abby, do other people keep ashes of the dead in their homes? How can I get her to remove them? -- ASHES IN AUDUBON, N.J.

DEAR ASHES IN AUDUBON: It is unusual but not unheard of to keep the ashes of a loved one in one's home. It may be that your ladyfriend needs more time to completely resolve her loss. Your understanding would only enhance your relationship with her. However, I suggest that you ask her to please keep the ashes in a more private place -- a spare room or in her personal closet. Her degree of willingness to compromise should tell you volumes about the future of a relationship with her.

I would like to hear from others who have kept the ashes of their beloved mate.

DEAR ABBY: I just had to write after I read the letter from "Confused in San Diego," whose tightwad boyfriend presented her with a bill for money he had "loaned" her over their year-long relationship.

A number of years ago, my boyfriend "Martin" and I were bicycling on a back-country road on an island in Canada. We were miles from nowhere when I got a flat tire. It was just getting dark and threatening to rain, and I was not looking forward to waiting alone while Martin rode to the campground to get our car so he could drive back and get me.

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a man on a bicycle rounded the corner. He stopped and offered us a brand-new inner tube he had recently purchased. I asked him how much we owed him. He said he had paid $3.65 at the local store. I pulled out an American $5 bill to give him when Martin stopped me. "Wait a minute," he said, "with the exchange rate for American money, that makes it only $2.73." He then insisted the man give us the appropriate amount of change -- to the penny. I was mortified! The kind man was good-natured about the whole incident, gave Martin his change, and rode off.

Fortunately, after many more embarrassing incidents, I finally dumped Martin and his penny-pinching ways. Abby, your comment, "This one is not above using the purse strings to try to control you," was right on the money. -- PENNY-WISED UP

DEAR PENNY-WISED UP: I wasn't sure whether to file your letter under "The Kindness (and Tolerance) of Strangers" or "Miserly Mortals," so I printed it instead!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On behalf of the National Association for Continence (NAFC), formerly Help for Incontinent People, I would like to thank you for your interest and willingness to help your readers find the information and referrals they need to cope with bladder or bowel control problems. Because you have previously printed letters from our founder, Dr. Katherine Jeter, and former Sen. Bob Dole, more than 100,000 people contacted NAFC for help and information -- more than from any other single source.

We hope you will continue to encourage your readers to seek medical diagnosis and treatment for incontinence. We are still very concerned by how long people are waiting to seek help. Our 1996 membership survey showed that women wait an average of 3.4 years and men 1.8 years before seeing a health care professional. We still receive calls from people who have had this problem for 20 or more years, and their call to us is their first attempt to gain information or to seek help.

Incontinence is a medical condition with many causes. It affects more than 13 million Americans, of whom 85 percent are women. It robs many men and women of their independence and spoils the quality of life for countless others. Incontinence, whether partial or complete, temporary or continuing, is not normal. It is not a disease, it is not part of being a woman and it is not "just what happens" as you get older!

More and more new treatments are being successfully used for all types of incontinence. Dietary changes, bladder retraining, medications, pelvic muscle exercises, biofeedback, electrical stimulation, surgery, collagen implants or pelvic support devices have all been effective in getting people completely dry or, at least, back in control of their bladder habits. When a cure is not possible, selection of the best absorbent product or device and proper skin care will lessen the risk of irritating rashes or embarrassing "accidents."

Miss Van Buren, it is important that your readers expect help from their doctors and persist until they find a physician who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of bladder control problems. Please let them know that NAFC is ready to provide information and referrals to anyone who needs them. -- LYNDA CHRISTISON, MPA, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR

DEAR MS. CHRISTISON: I was surprised to learn that an estimated one in four women ages 30 to 59 have experienced an episode of urinary incontinence, and that it occurs in children and young adults as well as the elderly. A broad range of conditions and disorders can cause the problem -- including birth defects, pelvic surgery, injuries to the pelvic region or spinal cord, neurological diseases, pregnancy, childbirth and degenerative changes associated with aging.

Readers who have experienced incontinence or are concerned about someone who has can request a basic packet of information by sending a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope and $2 to NAFC, P.O. Box 8310, Spartanburg, S.C. 29305-8310.

Approximately 80 percent of those affected by urinary incontinence can be cured or improved.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you published a quotation from Lord Chesterfield. In it, he gave his appraisal of sex. As I recall, it was hilarious. Can you find it and print it again, please? -- LONGTIME READER IN PHOENIX

DEAR READER: Here it is: Lord Chesterfield on sex: "The price is exorbitant, the pleasure is transitory, and the position is ridiculous."

CONFIDENTIAL TO A DEAR FRIEND: Happy birthday, Mimi (Mrs. Arthur) Groman, whose friendship I have cherished since our girlhood days. No one has ever had a more loyal friend.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman complaining about the value of a wedding gift reminded me of something that happened to us years ago.

My family declined an invitation to the wedding of a neighbor's son, but we sent a gift -- an expensive crystal bowl trimmed in sterling silver. We had it gift-wrapped and asked the salesperson to send it to the couple with our card.

A couple of months later, we received a note that said, "Thank you for the orange ashtray." We debated and finally decided not to embarrass the couple by correcting their error.

However, we've always feared that they thought we were cheap, and wonder if we should have corrected them.

Perhaps if you publish this, the couple will recognize themselves. They are mature enough by now to view this as a rather funny mixup, which is how we have come to look at it.

I would advise people who send gifts from stores to make sure their card is included inside the package, which we did not. -- CHARLES WELCOME, LOWER WATERFORD, VT.

DEAR CHARLES: Most establishments are conscientious when sending customers' packages, but mistakes do occur. Had you notified the store at the time, it would have contacted the recipients for you and informed them of the error. Now, will the person who sent the orange ashtray please identify yourself?

DEAR ABBY: Now you've gone and done it! For 52 years, I've started each morning with a hug, a kiss and an "I love you" for my wife. I've helped with the housework, complimented her looks and choice of clothes, and sent flowers on non-occasions. I wrote love letters instead of sending commercial cards and tried to fulfill her needs and desires.

Now you reveal, in your answer to "Saying Yes All the Time," that it was all a plot to bed my wife -- all the togetherness was a clever scheme to keep happiness in my bedroom.

Well, I'm guilty. My wife will be the first to acknowledge that. But the loving rewards, even in our twilight years, have been great. -- ALVIN H. LEVIN, SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.

DEAR ALVIN: From the tone of your letter, I'd say there is happiness in every room of your house, and in every aspect of your marriage. Thank you for your delightful "confession." When this is published, Mrs. Levin will be envied by every wife in Scottsdale.

And you, Alvin, should be cloned.

DEAR ABBY: This is for Mavis E. Winter in Laguna Niguel and others who don't have time to brush their teeth before going to the dentist's office. Many years ago, before dentists wore rubber gloves while treating patients, my dentist told me what he did when patients said they didn't have time to brush. He would tell them, "That's OK. I didn't have time to wash my hands either!" -- STILL BRUSHING

CONFIDENTIAL TO "GOOD HOUSEKEEPER WANNABE" IN ITHACA, N.Y.: If you are always the first one to see the dirt, perhaps you ought to clean your glasses. (Abigail Van Buren).

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)