DEAR ABBY: My father went to prison five years ago, and my mother has been taking care of my brother and sister. (I'm older and out of the house.)

I recently came across some shocking information. Mom has been going on dates with a clergy member who has been sending her text messages saying things like "I can't stop thinking about you," etc. I also found out she has a profile on a couple of Internet dating sites and has been coming home later than usual after going out "for drinks with friends" after work. When I confronted her, she first denied it, then got caught in a lie. She refuses to accept responsibility, insisting "it wasn't a date," although this man expressed romantic feelings for her.

My father knows nothing about this while he languishes in a cell for what could be another five or six years. Should I tell him? I also do not know if I should confront this clergyman because I find his actions despicable.

How can I explain to my mother that what she's doing is wrong? When I try to talk to her in a mature way, she says things like, "I can't hear you!" Any advice you can offer would be appreciated. -- DISILLUSIONED SON IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: Please don't waste your breath trying to shame your mother into good behavior because it won't work. She knows what she's doing is wrong, and that's why she is practicing "selective deafness" when you try to reason with her.

As tempting as it might be, I see absolutely nothing to be gained by telling your father. The news will only make him unhappier and more frustrated than he already is.

If you would like to say a few well-chosen words to the clergyman who is dallying with your mother, you're certainly within your rights to do so. While you're at it, let him know you have proof. That ought to dampen his ardor.

As for the pain you are feeling, it's natural that you would ache inside. So please consider having some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist who can listen, guide you and help you make sure that this doesn't have an impact on your future relationships with women. Trust me, it will help.

DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that my neighbor's son offered my 14-year-old marijuana, and my son refused. (The two boys are close in age.) I heard all about it from my 12-year-old daughter. When I asked my son about it, he admitted it happened. I have no reason to doubt his story, and I hope he maintains his strength and resolve during the years to come. I am extremely proud of him.

My question is, should I confront the neighbor boy about it, or should I let his parents know what I learned? Of course, the third option is to mind my own business. Eventually, they'll discover what's going on and deal with it on their own -- and no friction will be created between two otherwise great neighbors. -- PROUD PAPA IN TORRANCE, CALIF.

DEAR PROUD PAPA: You are in a position to do your "great neighbors" a favor. If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't you want to know your son was headed for trouble? If the answer is yes, apply the Golden Rule. However, when you tell these parents what they need to know, I strongly recommend that you not brag about how "proud" you are that your son refused the offer. Pride goeth before a fall.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Won't you please make your readers aware of male breast cancer? Men never have their breasts checked or check them themselves.

My husband was finally diagnosed after five months of "dilly-dallying." He had a mastectomy and is now on medication prescribed for women because so little is researched for men.

"They" say that 4 percent of breast cancer patients are male. I say it's probably more like 15 percent. Please inform your readers. -- CHARLOTTE IN NORTHBROOK, ILL.

DEAR CHARLOTTE: I'm pleased your husband's cancer was caught in time. After reading your letter, I contacted the American Cancer Society. It estimates that before 2005 is over, 1,690 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed among men in the United States. That's compared to 211,240 cases in women, and less than 1 percent. Of course, if YOUR husband is in that fractional percent, it is one case too many!

I was also told that there are "too few men with breast cancer for doctors to study in clinical trials" -- which is probably why your husband is receiving the same kind of treatment that women do. (This includes surgery, radiation, post-operative chemotherapy and/or Tamoxifen.)

As with any other cancer, the sooner it's caught the better. And that is why men should routinely check themselves for lumps that could signify breast (or testicular) cancer.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is due to give birth any minute. We are all very excited. My brother-in-law, "Lyle," started a "pool" where he works, choosing the date of birth and weight of the baby. It's $20 to get in the pool. When I gave Lyle my $20 last night, I said, "I hope I win. I could really use a new refrigerator." He replied, "No. Everyone else is either giving us all or half the money, and that's the rule."

This may seem petty, Abby, but I really need a new refrigerator. Of course, if I won I would give them SOME money, but to have my brother-in-law demand it seems rude and selfish. Am I wrong? If I win, Lyle will be upset and I don't want any rifts during this wonderful time. But it seems to me that he's actually collecting money because my sister is having a baby. I'll abide by your decision. Am I being selfish? -- NEEDS A FRIDGE IN ST. PETE

DEAR NEEDS: I don't think you are being selfish -- but you may be bucking a regional custom. Although I have never heard of collecting money for a baby pool and the winner being expected to donate the pot to the parents, one of my staffers has.

Putting that aside, however, if you win the baby-guessing game, in the interests of family harmony you should probably give them the money. The "donation" would be small potatoes compared to how costly the hard feelings would be.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom trying to make the right decision. I have been dating "Pete" off and on for nearly three years. He is now saying he wants us to move in with him and be a family -- but he doesn't want to get married until his daughter gets out of college. (She's a senior in high school.)

I don't feel he's really ready to commit. Do you agree? -- SUSPICIOUS IN SAN MARCOS

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I do agree. In four years, you could find yourself hearing, "Wait 'til she's out of graduate school," or "Let's wait until she's married." If after three years he's not ready to move forward, you should move on -- not in.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I worked in an entertainment establishment for about 16 years. Finally I grew tired of it. I knew I was not getting anywhere in life, so I decided to go back to school and pursue a career in law enforcement. I completed my courses recently, and would like to become a cop or a court officer.

My concern is, what if they find out about my career choice in the past? It could be personally embarrassing and might even cause me to lose my job. Should I come out and put on my resume what I did for 16 years of my life? -- LATE BLOOMER IN CANADA

DEAR LATE BLOOMER: You appear to be an intelligent and forward-thinking woman. Please do not attempt to lie about your past. I cannot imagine any law enforcement agency that would not do a background check before hiring an applicant -- and the truth would come out anyway. To my way of thinking, because of your background, you could be a unique asset to a police department. Let's hope whoever's hiring sees it my way.

P.S. Clip this item and include it with your job application. I hope it helps.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Kenny," and I broke up six months ago. Nothing bad happened; we were just at different points in our lives. I didn't hear from Kenny until a couple of weeks ago, when I found a message from him on my answering machine. He said he was sorry for not being the best boyfriend he could be.

By then, I was already in love with another man, "Scott." I agreed to meet Kenny for lunch to get closure, but the minute our eyes met, all the old feelings came rushing back. Now I don't know what to do.

Kenny and Scott are both perfect men. They treat me with respect. I'm supposed to move in with Scott next month, but I don't know if I want to be with him anymore. He is planning on moving three hours from home to attend a school that is closer to me. I tried to end the relationship with Scott, but he was devastated. What do I do? I think I may be in love with two men, and I don't want to hurt anybody. -- SINCERELY CONFUSED, SPENCER, IOWA

DEAR SINCERELY CONFUSED: End the relationship with Scott NOW, before he moves closer and enrolls at the new school. Do not move in with him out of pity, feeling as you do about your old boyfriend. Right now, you need a cooling-off period, so don't jump back into the frying pan (or anywhere else) with Kenny either. From my perspective, although you think you're in love with both of these perfect men, you may only be in love with love.

DEAR ABBY: I'm throwing a little birthday party for my 4-year-old son. I am trying very hard to keep the party small so that it does not become overwhelming.

My son chose four little preschool friends to come to his party, but two of the mothers have asked if they can also bring along 2-year-old siblings of the children who were invited.

Must I provide party favors for the 2-year-olds? -- NEEDS TO KNOW -- FAST!

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: It appears that two of the mothers either couldn't find -- or didn't want to spring for -- baby sitters. If you agreed that the little ones could come to the party, it would be gracious to provide something for them, too, so they won't feel left out. Sorry, but when you're on the hook, you're on the hook -- and the items needn't be expensive.

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