DEAR ABBY: For the first time in eight years, my husband and I will be staying in a hotel when we visit his parents for Christmas. While I love his family, their home is small, and we are relegated to a trundle bed and must share the sole bathroom with the entire family. It's impossible for us to be comfortable with so many people in such close quarters. We assumed that sleeping in a nearby hotel and visiting during the days and evenings would be a fair compromise.

We were shocked at their reaction when we discussed our plans with the family. They are very hurt about our decision and extremely offended. They are begging us to reconsider and stay in their home.

Are our actions selfish and cold-hearted? We mean no harm, and are so surprised at the strong reaction that we're starting to question our judgment. Should we travel and stay in the hotel, or just scrap the trip altogether? -- STAYING HOME NEXT YEAR

DEAR STAYING HOME: No, you, your husband and his parents should discuss this more fully. You didn't mention how many family members will be spending the holidays in that small house. While I sympathize with family traditions, as children grow into adulthood certain realities come into play.

If you prefer to sleep in a hotel and have a private bathroom and the ability to have a private conversation if you wish, I don't think it's too much to ask. But I'd hate to see you cancel a family visit because of the pressure that is being exerted. That's in no one's best interests.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to offer another example of an act of kindness that might be worthy of your column. My youngest daughter and her little girl were traveling across several states after visiting her two brothers, a sister and me.

My daughter had a CB in her car and while she was driving, was talking on and off with different truckers on the road. A car full of young men began to harass her by tailgating, passing her dangerously close, then pulling sharply in front of her and slowing down. Each time she'd manage to pass them, the harassment would begin again.

She related her problem over the CB to a trucker. As if by magic, three trucks appeared! One got behind her, and another maneuvered in front -- while a third sort of "nudged" the offending car out of her way, then positioned his rig alongside my daughter's car. Those truckers talked to her the whole time and continued in formation until the men who'd been hassling her gave up and took off.

The truckers continued to maintain contact with my daughter until she reached her exit, and I am deeply grateful to them. Because I never got to thank them personally, I hope they'll read this in your column.

Abby, may God continue to guide you as you strive to assist others, and watch over you always. -- MOM MC C. IN OHIO

DEAR MOM MC C.: Thank you for the blessing, and for the testimonial that acts of chivalry still occur on our highways. Perhaps your letter will motivate other motorists to watch out for the other guy -- or gal, as the case may be.

DEAR ABBY: I am nearly 50, and learned when I was in my early 30s that I was adopted. I became engaged to a man my adoptive mother did not like. When I told her the news, her response was, "Do what you want -- you aren't ours anyway!" I was devastated. I didn't realize it was literally true until years later, when several of my cousins confirmed it.

Since then, I have located my birth family, although my birth mother died long ago. I asked my adoptive mother (who was and still is "Mom" to me) to please send me all the documents she had relating to the adoption, as well as some letters she mentioned that my birth mother had sent in later years saying she was thinking about me and hoping I was well. Mom told me she had thrown them all out! I was devastated all over again.

Mom says I'm overly sensitive, that the papers were worthless trash and were hers to dispose of. Over the years she had promised several times to show them to me but never did. Now she claims I knew all along that I was adopted and just wanted to find a better mom.

Abby, am I being ridiculous? I still have a hole in my heart because I'll never speak to my birth mom, although my siblings have filled in a lot for me. I was able to get my birth certificate and some other papers, but would have loved to have read the letters my birth mom wrote asking about me. I haven't spoken to Mom since, and I'm waiting on your verdict now. --- JANET IN TEXAS

DEAR JANET: Your feelings are not "ridiculous." It was cruel of your adoptive mother to promise to share your birth mother's letters with you and then to destroy them. She may have done it because she was deeply insecure about whether she would measure up in your eyes if you saw them. Her comment at the time of your engagement was also cruel in light of the fact that you had no clue that you were adopted when she said it.

Was this woman EVER a loving and supportive parent? If so, then try to forgive her. But from my perspective, "Mom" has some glaring personality flaws, and whether you speak to her is strictly up to you.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement I'm having with my boyfriend. In the song "Jingle Bells," he insists the horse's name is "Bob Tail." However, I'm pretty sure it's a description of the horse, as their tails used to be "bobbed," or cut short.

Please understand my boyfriend is one of those guys who is "never wrong"! -- JINGLE BELLE IN DALY CITY, CALIF.

DEAR JINGLE BELLE: Never wrong? Well, there's always a first time. You happen to be 100 percent right. The lyric in the carol isn't "Bob Tail," it's "bobtail." The definition of the word is in Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. (What may need some "bobbing" may be your boyfriend's ego, and I hope you had some money "riding" on this.)

DEAR ABBY: Is it impolite to ask for your favorite server at a restaurant you frequent? -- DINING OUT IN WINCHESTER, VA.

DEAR DINING OUT: No, it's not impolite -- in fact, it's done all the time. But if the server is popular, it's always a good idea to call ahead to reserve a table in your favorite server's section.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my fiance, "Trevor," for three years. When his children -- ages 7 and 8 -- are here for their visits, he treats me like a third wheel. Trevor shows me absolutely no affection, nor will he have as much as a two-sentence conversation with me.

His children dictate what we will be having for dinner and what we'll do for the weekend they are here. They hang on him as if they are growths on his skin. I can't even get a hug from him. We don't have five minutes alone. Trevor allows them to stay up as late as they want, and once they go to bed, he goes, too. Most times he doesn't even say good night.

Many times he has left me and my 5-year-old son sleeping and has taken his kids for breakfast without even giving me the courtesy of asking if we'd like to join them. Abby, as soon as his children return to their mother, he becomes himself again -- attentive, loving and always including me in what he's doing.

I have told Trevor many times how I feel about this. I understand he loves his children and wants to spend as much time as possible with them when they're here. But must I be put on hold while they visit? I'm ready to pick up and leave. -- LOW PRIORITY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR LOW PRIORITY: Feeling as you do, that might be best for all concerned. For whatever reason, you perceive your fiance's visitations with his children as competition. From my perspective, however, Trevor loves his children, may carry some guilt that the family is no longer intact, and tries the best he can to concentrate all his energy on them during the short periods they are with him. This is not about you and him; it is about THEM.

Forgive me for not being more sympathetic, but please recognize that your present is a glimpse of what your future will be if you marry Trevor. Once you accept that, you'll have a better idea of what you want to do.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 56-year-old woman. When I was growing up, I missed out on a lot in school because of a hearing problem. I was able to graduate from high school -- but just barely. I can read and write, but there are things I should know how to do but can't.

I am very embarrassed that I'm not able to do things most people take for granted -- for example, make change. I could never work as a cashier because I know I'd be fired on the spot. I have owned a housecleaning business for 17 years, which has worked out OK, but I'd like to have a job where I'm around people.

How can I learn about money without embarrassing myself or my family? -- CHALLENGED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CHALLENGED: Because you want to supplement your math skills, start checking opportunities that are available in your area for adult education. Some high schools and community colleges offer night classes for adults.

Also, some important advances in cash register design have occurred since your school days. Cash registers now indicate for the cashier exactly how much change should be returned to the customers. So if the idea of a job in retail interests you, start looking around.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Hanukkah begins at sundown. To all of you I wish a happy festival of lights!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)