DEAR ABBY: With the holidays here, I know people are considering gifts for older friends and family members. My 83-year-old mother still lives in her own home. She doesn't want more "stuff," so every year we give her practical things we know she already uses on a daily basis, including laundry detergent, bath oil beads and soap, toothpaste -- even bird seed for her bird feeders. By the end of the year she has used up everything we have given her and is ready for new supplies.

Mom is happy with these gifts and says it saves her from having to go out and spend money on these things herself. Practical, everyday items make the best gifts for the older person on your list. -- MARY IN RICHARDSON, TEXAS

DEAR MARY: When seniors have reached a point where they have become less active, I agree. So please allow me to offer a few additional suggestions to your gift list.

With the cost of groceries what they are today, many individuals on fixed incomes would appreciate a gift basket of goodies such as small cans of tuna, salmon, chicken or soup. Also include crackers, assorted flavored instant coffee, herbal teas, soup mixes and cookies.

Gift certificates also make welcome gifts: for groceries, haircuts, manicures, dry cleaning, restaurant meals, theater tickets and department stores. And don't forget prepaid calling cards.

Homemade coupons for "Honey-do's" (as in "Honey, do this -- Honey, do that") also make thoughtful presents. Create some that can be redeemed for chores such as window washing, painting, gardening, replacing lightbulbs, changing air conditioning filters, moving heavy furniture for spring and fall cleaning and transportation for shopping or doctors' visits, etc.

Because not all seniors drive, bus passes and coupons for senior transportation or taxis can also give the recipient the gift of freedom.

Sweat pants, sweatshirts, athletic socks and walking shoes may motivate the sedentary senior to get up and become more active -- which improves circulation and cognition for people of every age.

Large-print calendars with family birthdays, anniversaries, etc. marked and personalized with family photos make useful gifts, and so do large-print address books with the information already transferred from the recipient's records.

Because medications are expensive, consider a gift certificate to the neighborhood pharmacy. It will be appreciated -- trust me on that.

A subscription to a newspaper or magazine you know the person will enjoy is a gift that keeps on giving year-round. And, of course, stationery and stamps make handy gifts that can also be used throughout the year. While you're at it, enclose with them some felt-tipped pens.

If the person has a pet, send some cans of dog or cat food, a package of "treats," a rawhide chew or catnip.

And please don't forget that the holiday season can be a depressing time for people who are alone. I'm often asked for gift ideas for the person who "already has everything." And this is my answer: The greatest gift a person can offer is the gift of yourself. If someone you know could use an outing, give the most meaningful gift of all -- an invitation to share a meal with you or your family.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: For the first time in eight years, my husband and I will be staying in a hotel when we visit his parents for Christmas. While I love his family, their home is small, and we are relegated to a trundle bed and must share the sole bathroom with the entire family. It's impossible for us to be comfortable with so many people in such close quarters. We assumed that sleeping in a nearby hotel and visiting during the days and evenings would be a fair compromise.

We were shocked at their reaction when we discussed our plans with the family. They are very hurt about our decision and extremely offended. They are begging us to reconsider and stay in their home.

Are our actions selfish and cold-hearted? We mean no harm, and are so surprised at the strong reaction that we're starting to question our judgment. Should we travel and stay in the hotel, or just scrap the trip altogether? -- STAYING HOME NEXT YEAR

DEAR STAYING HOME: No, you, your husband and his parents should discuss this more fully. You didn't mention how many family members will be spending the holidays in that small house. While I sympathize with family traditions, as children grow into adulthood certain realities come into play.

If you prefer to sleep in a hotel and have a private bathroom and the ability to have a private conversation if you wish, I don't think it's too much to ask. But I'd hate to see you cancel a family visit because of the pressure that is being exerted. That's in no one's best interests.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to offer another example of an act of kindness that might be worthy of your column. My youngest daughter and her little girl were traveling across several states after visiting her two brothers, a sister and me.

My daughter had a CB in her car and while she was driving, was talking on and off with different truckers on the road. A car full of young men began to harass her by tailgating, passing her dangerously close, then pulling sharply in front of her and slowing down. Each time she'd manage to pass them, the harassment would begin again.

She related her problem over the CB to a trucker. As if by magic, three trucks appeared! One got behind her, and another maneuvered in front -- while a third sort of "nudged" the offending car out of her way, then positioned his rig alongside my daughter's car. Those truckers talked to her the whole time and continued in formation until the men who'd been hassling her gave up and took off.

The truckers continued to maintain contact with my daughter until she reached her exit, and I am deeply grateful to them. Because I never got to thank them personally, I hope they'll read this in your column.

Abby, may God continue to guide you as you strive to assist others, and watch over you always. -- MOM MC C. IN OHIO

DEAR MOM MC C.: Thank you for the blessing, and for the testimonial that acts of chivalry still occur on our highways. Perhaps your letter will motivate other motorists to watch out for the other guy -- or gal, as the case may be.

DEAR ABBY: I am nearly 50, and learned when I was in my early 30s that I was adopted. I became engaged to a man my adoptive mother did not like. When I told her the news, her response was, "Do what you want -- you aren't ours anyway!" I was devastated. I didn't realize it was literally true until years later, when several of my cousins confirmed it.

Since then, I have located my birth family, although my birth mother died long ago. I asked my adoptive mother (who was and still is "Mom" to me) to please send me all the documents she had relating to the adoption, as well as some letters she mentioned that my birth mother had sent in later years saying she was thinking about me and hoping I was well. Mom told me she had thrown them all out! I was devastated all over again.

Mom says I'm overly sensitive, that the papers were worthless trash and were hers to dispose of. Over the years she had promised several times to show them to me but never did. Now she claims I knew all along that I was adopted and just wanted to find a better mom.

Abby, am I being ridiculous? I still have a hole in my heart because I'll never speak to my birth mom, although my siblings have filled in a lot for me. I was able to get my birth certificate and some other papers, but would have loved to have read the letters my birth mom wrote asking about me. I haven't spoken to Mom since, and I'm waiting on your verdict now. --- JANET IN TEXAS

DEAR JANET: Your feelings are not "ridiculous." It was cruel of your adoptive mother to promise to share your birth mother's letters with you and then to destroy them. She may have done it because she was deeply insecure about whether she would measure up in your eyes if you saw them. Her comment at the time of your engagement was also cruel in light of the fact that you had no clue that you were adopted when she said it.

Was this woman EVER a loving and supportive parent? If so, then try to forgive her. But from my perspective, "Mom" has some glaring personality flaws, and whether you speak to her is strictly up to you.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle a disagreement I'm having with my boyfriend. In the song "Jingle Bells," he insists the horse's name is "Bob Tail." However, I'm pretty sure it's a description of the horse, as their tails used to be "bobbed," or cut short.

Please understand my boyfriend is one of those guys who is "never wrong"! -- JINGLE BELLE IN DALY CITY, CALIF.

DEAR JINGLE BELLE: Never wrong? Well, there's always a first time. You happen to be 100 percent right. The lyric in the carol isn't "Bob Tail," it's "bobtail." The definition of the word is in Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. (What may need some "bobbing" may be your boyfriend's ego, and I hope you had some money "riding" on this.)

DEAR ABBY: Is it impolite to ask for your favorite server at a restaurant you frequent? -- DINING OUT IN WINCHESTER, VA.

DEAR DINING OUT: No, it's not impolite -- in fact, it's done all the time. But if the server is popular, it's always a good idea to call ahead to reserve a table in your favorite server's section.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)