DEAR ABBY: "Barney" and I are in our 40s and have been married two years. Barney is a neatnik. His nighttime ritual of cleaning up before bed takes an hour or more. Before we can be intimate, this ritual must be performed, which rules out anything in the afternoon or that's spontaneous.

Barney is also a night owl. Sometimes he goes straight from the shower to the Internet or reading, ignoring sex altogether, even if we planned and talked about it while getting ready to clean up for the night.

I have fallen asleep many nights waiting for him, only to awaken hours later and see he's still not beside me. When we discuss it later, he says it's a selfish habit he "got away with" in his last marriage. He enjoys sex but becomes easily distracted.

Should we seek counseling for this or try something else? Barney displays all the signs of ADD and has since his childhood days. -- FRUSTRATED IN CLINTON, IOWA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: By all means seek counseling. The ritual you described could be a symptom of a disorder, or your husband may have a very weak sex drive. However, one thing is clear: If Barney isn't in bed with you, it's because he'd rather be elsewhere.

For your sake, the sooner you get some straight answers the better you'll be. His comment about "getting away with it" tells me he knows what he's doing wasn't fair to his last wife, and it isn't fair to you.

DEAR ABBY: For the last 10 years, my friends and I have gotten together on a fairly regular basis. We always bring potluck to share. While "Marcia" and I were assembling a meal, "Cindy" would contribute a bag of chips. We finally told her we thought the offerings were unequal, so she shaped up.

We recently celebrated my birthday at my house, and Cindy "surprised" me with a beautiful blueberry crumble cake (her specialty). I was delighted and told her I had been craving that particular treat.

As the afternoon wore on, I asked if we should bring out the dessert, but she said she wanted to "wait a while." A half-hour later, she announced she had to leave and wanted to take the cake with her. (We often take leftovers home, but her dessert hadn't even made it to the table.) When I said, "But we have no other dessert!" she said she had company coming and needed to take it with her. Then she put it in the container she had brought it in and left.

Cindy is a close friend, and Marcia and I have put up with some of her quirks. But I'm thinking about confronting her about this latest gaffe because I'm afraid if I don't, my resentment will continue to build and our friendship will "crumble." Am I being petty? -- DESERTED DESSERT LOVER

DEAR D.D.L.: Petty? I don't think so. What she did took the cake -- and I'm not talking about pastry.

I don't know what qualities you look for in a close friend, but Cindy appears to be unusually self-centered. What she said was not only rude, but showed a distinct lack of empathy for your feelings.

By all means, clear the air, but don't count on Cindy to change. In fact, don't count on her for anything.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Vinny," and I were married 11 years when he left me for another woman. Eight months later he decided the grass wasn't greener on that side of the fence and came back. Our marriage is better now than it was before the affair.

Seven months later his younger brother "Nicky" got divorced and moved in with us. A short while after that, Vinny and Nicky joined a band.

It has been a year now, and my brother-in-law is still here. I am more than ready for him to move out, but every time I mention it, Vinny says Nicky has "just" gone through a divorce and "we're all he has."

I hate all the time Vinny devotes to the band. I try not to complain because I know how much he enjoys it, but I'm miserable. They practice in our basement on Mondays and Wednesdays, and every Friday and Saturday night is spent performing.

I have no privacy! How do I get Nicky out of here? Should I push the issue with the band or let it go? My parents are furious with Vinny. They say he's reliving his childhood, Nicky is taking advantage and Vinny is taking me for granted. Can you offer some advice? -- HURTING IN NEW YORK

DEAR HURTING: Your brother-in-law should have been out of your house a month after he moved in. Tell Vinny you've had it with this experiment in communal living, set an exit date for Nicky and stick to it. If your husband refuses to listen to reason, then he is sending you a strong message that your wishes are not important.

As for Vinny's participation in the band, he and the other band members must be talented or they wouldn't be booked every Friday and Saturday night. Look at the bright side: When they're rehearsing in your basement, at least you know where your husband is and what he's doing. Marriage is a compromise, so learn to enjoy the music, but cultivate interests and hobbies of your own.

And last but not least, stop involving your parents in your problems. You're a big girl now. If you don't tell all, they'll have fewer negative feelings about your husband.

DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old daughter was married last year. We gave her a formal church wedding. Of the 100 guests invited, several were longtime co-workers, who took the time to purchase lovely gifts and travel two hours to the wedding. Some also gave cash gifts.

My daughter still hasn't sent out thank-you cards. I see my co-workers week after week, and I'm humiliated. I have mentioned it to my daughter several times, but she says it's too late to send them now. Abby, we raised her better than this. Every time I say anything about it, she gives me an argument.

Please help. This eats away at me every day. Should I take the reins and send a short letter of apology to these dear co-workers? -- TORN UP IN TEXAS

DEAR TORN UP: A note of apology from you would ease the embarrassment you feel facing your co-workers, but it won't put your daughter in a better light.

All you can do is remind her that a woman old enough to marry should be mature enough to write thank-you notes. And no law says her husband can't pitch in and help. They are equally responsible, and failure to acknowledge any gift reflects poorly on them both.

DEAR ABBY: A childhood friend of mine died from cervical cancer. "Katy" died because she didn't go to her OB/GYN for annual Pap smears.

She was a beautiful, intelligent, talented wife and mother who was responsible in every other way. Katy simply couldn't face a pelvic exam because throughout her childhood she had been molested by her father. I know it's true, because her father molested me, too.

Katy's doctor told her that had it been caught in the early stages, her cancer would have been curable. She hadn't been to see her OB/GYN since her last child was born nine years before. Because of what her father did to her, she was unable to allow anyone other than her husband to touch her.

Abby, my friend suffered during the time between her diagnosis and her death. She fought to stay alive for her husband and children, whom she loved with all her heart. But in the end, cancer took her, and her family will suffer for years to come.

PLEASE remind every woman and sexually active teenage girl about the importance of a yearly exam. Those who feel they can't deal with the exams should force themselves to talk to their OB/GYN and explain their fear. Otherwise, the sexual predators win again. I think they should be held accountable for the deaths for which they are ultimately responsible. -- SICK OF MOLESTERS

DEAR SICK OF MOLESTERS: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your friend. She won't have died in vain if women of every age heed your message about the importance of regular pelvic examinations, which should start as soon as a girl becomes sexually active.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband, "Henry," for 25 years, and he refuses to call me by name. He doesn't call me anything -- certainly no terms of endearment. He just calls out or starts talking. He addresses our daughter's relatives, our neighbors and even our dog by name -- but refuses to say mine.

I have mentioned to Henry many times how deeply hurt and resentful it makes me feel. He admits it's a problem, but refuses to get help because "he doesn't believe in counseling."

I know things could be worse. I'm not abused physically, but I feel mentally abused. I find it hard living as a nobody. Can you give me an insight on how to cope with this? -- NAMELESS IN SOUTH NEW JERSEY

DEAR NAMELESS: What Henry has been doing is called "passive aggression." It's a pattern of behavior that can occur in a variety of contexts. In your case, it's consistently failing to do something he knows would please you, the absence of which he is fully aware is hurtful. He refuses counseling because he knows a counselor will call him on it.

This does not, however, mean that YOU shouldn't have some counseling. Once you have recognized Henry's behavior for exactly what it is, you must then ask yourself why you have tolerated it for a quarter of a century, whether there are other things wrong in your marriage and if this is the way you want to live the next 25 years of your life.