Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office with five other people. Due to the nature of our business, we work various shifts throughout the day.

I am the oldest employee, and when it comes to our schedule, I feel discriminated against. I usually get four night shifts and one day shift a week. Everyone else gets one night shift and the rest daytime shifts.

The lead technician is the one who arranges our schedule. If I ask her about it, she tells me she has no one else or some similar excuse when I know she easily can change things to make it more fair. I am not one of her "buddies," probably because I'm at least 20 years older than the rest.

I just get very frustrated every time I see my new schedule. Even the part-time people get better hours than I do. Is this discrimination? -- WONDERING IN IOWA

DEAR WONDERING: Did you fill out a form listing your availability as open or flexible? If so, modify it. If you truly feel you are being discriminated against because of your age, talk to your supervisor's boss about it. And if things are not made more equitable, consider reporting it to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC).

DEAR ABBY: I am asking for advice about our daughters-in-law. We have two sons whose wives want to spend every holiday with their parents, period. No alternating holidays. This means my husband and I spend the holidays alone, then "get" to have a get-together at a date and time convenient for them.

I know our sons are partly at fault, but they are trying to keep peace in their lives. Any suggestions would be appreciated. One daughter-in-law used the excuse that her grandfather is 99 and may not be around forever, to which I replied that I'm 70 and none of us know how long we have.

We raised our daughter to respect her in-laws as well as us, and she alternates holidays. Please help with this, Abby. -- MISSING OUT IN TEXAS

DEAR MISSING OUT: This happens in many families. I wish I could wave a magic wand and turn your daughters-in-law into less-insensitive, more-caring people, but I can't. Your sons are more than "partly" at fault for not insisting on fairness. Because they're not assertive, the most pragmatic suggestion I can offer is that you make plans of your own for the holidays that don't include them -- the nicest your budget allows.

DEAR ABBY: Please do not reveal my location if you print this. I live in a small town and am part of a club that meets monthly. We are less than a dozen gals who discuss a book or politics. I know they all socialize with each other. With one exception, I have never been invited.

That said, we have different interests outside the club. They are smart, fun, loving women. However, I have felt that on more than one occasion, a comment was directed at me that I am not welcomed. I have been told, "Don't take it personally." Should I? How do I address this? -- HURT IN THE WEST

DEAR HURT: This book club should not be your only social activity. Surely you have other interests, as these women do. If you felt a comment was made that caused you to feel unwelcome, the appropriate response would have been to say, "Would you please clarify that comment?" Or even, "My feelings are hurt. Why would you say that?"

DEAR ABBY: At 18, I married my high school sweetheart. After 20 years of marriage and four wonderful children, my husband decided the grass was greener elsewhere, and we divorced. He paid no attention to my children or my grandchildren when they were young.

He has since remarried, has a child with his current wife and acts like he's Father of the Year. Last weekend one of my grandchildren got married. My blowhard of an ex brought a picture of himself, my son, my grandson and my great-granddaughter saying he'd had this picture taken of four generations of the family. He never mentioned that if it hadn't been for ME giving birth to our children, none of them would have even been there.

Am I overly sensitive to feel like a second-class citizen when we attend a family function? Must I continue to say nothing, or speak up? How do others handle this situation? -- CLUELESS IN THE EAST

DEAR CLUELESS: They handle it by choosing their battles carefully. I think it's important that you ask yourself why anything your ex says would make you feel like a second-class citizen. He appears to have moved on with his life more quickly than you have moved on with yours. Concentrate your efforts on expanding your horizons -- your interests and friendships -- and you will find anything he might say will be far less important to you. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a public school teacher with a word of advice to parents who wonder why their children misbehave, argue with them and act out with attention-getting behaviors: Put down your cellphones and pay attention to them!

I just finished a parent-teacher conference with a mother whose children argue, pout and scream when she tells them to do something at home. Her children are not disabled, nor do they demonstrate these behaviors in my classroom. Abby, during the entire meeting, that woman texted on her phone. How rude!

The next time I meet with someone who pulls that, I'll ask if she (or he) would like to suspend the meeting until their pressing business (pun intended) is finished. Maybe the parent needs to be embarrassed in order to realize how inappropriate texting or talking on the phone is when she (or he) is face-to-face with another person unless the other person says it's OK. -- HAS TO VENT

DEAR VENT: Vent away. I agree that what the mother did was disrespectful. It prevented you from effectively giving her information about her child that she needed to know.

As great a benefit as technology has been to society, it appears to also be a double-edged sword. By that I mean, while it fosters communication, it has kept parents from bonding with their toddlers and young people from learning to effectively communicate with each other face-to-face. The ultimate result of this is yet to be determined, but I cannot stress strongly enough the importance of people finding a balance so they can form healthy relationships. I hope your letter will serve as a wake-up call to someone who needs a reminder.

DEAR ABBY: I have a very toxic relationship with my older sister. I still live at home, although I'll be leaving for college in a few years.

Abby, she has been emotionally abusing me for years. It got so bad at one point that I considered suicide. I don't believe I would ever go through with it, but it scared me. She makes sarcastic comments about anything from my weight to what I want as my career. My parents never do anything about it.

I try to avoid her, but it's impossible because of the close living quarters. I don't know how to stop her. She has said she would stop before, but she doesn't, so I no longer believe she's sincere when she occasionally apologizes. -- BULLIED IN MY OWN HOUSE

DEAR BULLIED: Suicide is not the answer. Face it. Your sister is an unhappy individual who enjoys belittling others. She may do it because she's frustrated with her own life, or simply because she can.

The way to deal with people like her -- and there are many -- is to change the way you react to them. There is a saying that applies here: "Just because a jackass brays doesn't mean you have to take it to heart." The next time your sister makes a sarcastic comment, repeat that "mantra" to yourself and it may lessen the sting she's trying to inflict.

Remember, you won't always have to live with her. In the future, she may wonder why the two of you aren't close. When she asks that question -- and she may -- feel free to tell her.

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, a friend asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding, which will take place a year from now. I accepted and forgot to write down the date. Weeks later, three other friends invited me on a two-week cruise of the Baltics. I accepted and proceeded to contribute to the pre-booking and group excursion fees, etc. These funds are not refundable. I realized later that the dates overlap.

Both the groom and cruise people are close friends from separate groups. My personal cost at this point is $4,100. What do you recommend I do? -- ALL BOOKED UP IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ALL BOOKED: Do the honorable thing and explain to your friends that when they invited you on that Baltic vacation you had already committed to being a groomsman in someone's wedding. Then ask if they can line someone else up to take your place. As to the money you have shelled out, suggest that the person who replaces you reimburse you some or all of the dough, and then keep your fingers crossed.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whose 30-year-old son died suddenly from a brain stem tumor. On the anniversary of his death, I send her a "thinking of you" card to let her know that she is, indeed, in my thoughts.

The sixth anniversary of his death is approaching, and I'm wondering if I should stop doing this. I'm afraid it may cause her more pain than comfort. -- WELL-MEANING IN THE WEST

DEAR WELL-MEANING: Discuss this with your friend in advance, and ask her that question. I doubt that sending a card would be hurtful. She will always know he died on that day, and she may find it comforting to know that you not only remember it, too, but also want to reach out to her.