Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were recently matched with a child in an adoption. I'm not experienced with children, but my neighbor "Kara" has two kids around the same age as our future son. I like Kara and really want our child and me to spend time with her family.

The problem is, my husband has forbidden our son to hang out with Kara's children because she and her husband let them run wild. They have broken things at other people's homes so often that some neighbors no longer invite the family over.

Kara and her husband are good with their children, except for enforcing discipline. I'd like to have Kara in my life and have her help me plan my toddler shower. Would it be insensitive of me to tell her how my husband feels and ask if she and her husband can take more steps to keep them under control? I feel bad shunning her without telling her why and giving her a chance to correct it. I'm also trying to think of a way to change my husband's mind. -- PLANNING FOR PARENTHOOD

DEAR PLANNING: While I think your husband's reaction may be a bit extreme, if you are hoping to use Kara as a mentor in raising your future son, you should choose more carefully. This is a woman whose children are so poorly raised that neighbors refuse to have them in their homes.

Parenting is a skill that has to be learned. No one is ever totally prepared for it. Moms and dads learn on the job, and you will, too, by spending time with other parents and reading books. As much as you like Kara, if you tell her what you have in mind, she's likely to become defensive and highly offended, and you may make an enemy.

Because neighborhood kids tend to interact with each other, I wouldn't be surprised if Kara's children manage to find their way to your place. If that happens and they act up, handle it by telling them that while it may be OK for them to behave that way in their home, it is NOT permitted in yours -- and that if they come over, there are certain house rules that must be followed. It would be doing them (and Kara) a tremendous favor.

P.S. As to that toddler shower, ask some of your other friends or relatives to help with the planning. I'm sure they will be more than happy to assist.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have had the same roommate, "Milo," for four years. Two years ago, he started dating my husband's ex-girlfriend. It was no big deal, my husband was fine with it, and Milo never brings her over. In the time they've been seeing each other Milo has refused to fully commit to her. He doesn't see other people, but he doesn't call her his girlfriend.

Today my husband told me Milo won't commit to her because he thinks it would bother me if she were around our house all the time. He's right. It would. I'm not in love with the idea of my husband's drop-dead gorgeous ex hanging out at our house.

Abby, I see in her everything I'm not. Am I being selfish? I want our roommate to be happy, and I'm not sure how to proceed. Must I just suck it up? I mean, I'm married for heaven's sake. -- SELFISH ROOMMATE

DEAR ROOMMATE: I don't think you should acquiesce to anything that makes you uncomfortable. You're making a mistake by assuming responsibility for the fact that Milo won't commit. He's a grown man and responsible for his own choices. The current arrangement is working for all of you, and you should stay out of it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 25-year-old female currently serving a nine-year prison sentence. It is the first time I have ever been in trouble (wrong place, wrong time). My boyfriend is 24. We've been together 2 1/2 years and have had our ups and downs (mostly ups). I am truly in love with him, and he tells me he will always be there for me.

I have been in prison for five months so far, and he hasn't missed a visit or a phone call. He also makes sure I have money on my books.

I'm worried that somewhere down the road, since we're so young, he will meet someone and move on. In a way, I would kind of understand -- I don't want his life to stop because mine has. But I also don't want to lose him. How do I keep our relationship strong, or should I let him go? -- LOCKED UP IN DELAWARE

DEAR LOCKED UP: Nine years is a long time, and sometimes life happens in the interim. I can't predict what will happen, and you shouldn't either. Take things a day at a time. Keep the lines of communication open and honest.

Because things are going well, do not "let him go." If the romance ends, so be it. But if it does, appreciate that he seems to be a staunch friend and ally.

DEAR ABBY: I love my wife. We have been married for 38 years. However, she does something that drives me crazy.

I have a hard time going to sleep at night, and if I'm disturbed in those first few minutes of sleep, I'm up all night. We both agreed that when we say "goodnight," it means no more talking or loud noises. But almost every night after saying "goodnight," she wakes me up with something she HAS to say or explore. If it was an emergency, I wouldn't mind, but it's usually something of no consequence that could wait until morning.

I have tried ignoring her, pretending to be asleep, saying "goodnight again" in a rough tone of voice and getting angry. Nothing seems to work. I would appreciate some advice for dealing with this. -- SLEEPLESS IN TEXAS

DEAR SLEEPLESS: A solid night's sleep is crucial for good health. Tell your wife to keep a notepad by the side of the bed and jot down what she wants to discuss the next morning. However, if she persists in awakening you, get up and go into another room. And continue doing it until your wife agrees to show more consideration.

DEAR ABBY: I have known my friend "Midge" for more than 60 years. We live in different states now, but keep in touch online. While our views are polar opposites on just about everything, we have remained friends.

Over the last year, it seems Midge has reverted to being a wild teenager. She is smoking pot, got tattooed and is doing a lot of partying. Recently, she posted a very lengthy missive, including dozens of pictures, about how much she misses her ex-boyfriend. Abby, they broke up 10 years ago! I asked her sister about her bizarre behavior and was told, "Oh, that's just Midge." Is it time to let go of the friendship? -- NOT THE SAME IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NOT THE SAME: Assuming that pot is legal in the state where Midge resides, she's doing nothing illegal, immoral or that will get her pregnant out of wedlock. Because you're concerned about her, call Midge to hear how she is. Sometimes an abrupt change in personality can be a symptom of a physical or mental health issue.

DEAR ABBY: My brother- and sister-in-law were trying to have a baby using artificial insemination. A few months into the very difficult pregnancy, they were told the baby had many life-threatening defects and asked if they wanted to terminate because the baby had little, if any, chance of surviving. They chose to carry the baby to natural birth.

A month or so before she was due, she went into labor. The baby lived for only a few hours. They had a funeral, and it was a very sad event. A month later, on the due date, they started organizing a birthday party for their 10-year-old daughter and invited 30 to 40 people, young and old. They contacted my son and daughter-in-law, who had been pregnant at the same time and had given birth to a healthy baby, and asked them not to bring their newborn. Other babies a year old or older are invited.

How should we respond? Leave the baby and my daughter-in-law at home, or refuse the invitation? Was it proper for my brother-in-law and his wife to throw a party and unwelcome a newborn? -- LOST IN ETIQUETTE

DEAR LOST: Your brother-in-law and his family are in mourning. They have my deepest sympathy. If they felt it would be too painful after their loss to host a tiny baby at the birthday party, they should not be criticized. Your daughter-in-law should graciously refuse the invitation, saying she is sorry she will be unable to attend, and send a gift for the daughter.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think of barbers or beauticians who take phone calls and continue to talk to the callers while doing a client's hair? I haven't said anything because I don't want an angry person cutting my hair. It's almost like having a doctor talk on the phone while doing surgery. What do you think? -- HAIR-RAISING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR HAIR-RAISING: A short conversation to book an appointment is one thing, but what you have described is just plain rude. The first time the beautician did it you should have spoken up. Because you didn't, she/he thinks you don't mind.

Hairdressing is a service business, and the client in the chair should take priority. If you are really afraid your stylist would butcher your haircut in retaliation if you complain (talk about passive aggressive!), find someone else to provide this service.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a widow for three years. Sixteen years ago, my husband and I built a modest -- but nice -- home and worked very hard to pay off the mortgage early. I am constantly asked if I am going to stay in my home or if I plan to sell it. I have no intention of moving at this time or in the near future, if at all. Is there a good answer to give people when they keep asking this question? Do they think I am not capable of living in a house by myself? Any suggestions will be appreciated. -- HAPPY AT HOME

DEAR HAPPY: When someone asks that question, rather than become defensive, say, "Why do you ask?" Then let the person explain the reason behind it. Instead of implying that you are no longer capable of living alone, the questioner may be considering making an offer to buy it from you.