DEAR ABBY: We have grown children and a grandchild who live several states away. The problem is, we don't enjoy visiting them. Our son's wife has an eating disorder. She's obsessed with what SHE is going to eat next, eats some of the strangest raw vegetable combinations we've ever heard of and has our grandchild following suit. The child is forbidden to eat several of the foods kids like to eat.

Our son is also part of this. He is losing weight and muscle mass, and thinks he is healthy. When we visit, and it's been years, we have to shop for a lot of food or take everyone out to eat so WE can eat, which presents challenges because of their diet preferences.

My DIL is not a gracious host and lingers over her plate, which sometimes takes an hour after everyone else has finished eating. She's very underweight, and I'm concerned about our grandchild, especially since they balked at a beautiful roasted turkey I made at a family gathering. (Two days later, she asked for "seconds" because others were eating it.)

How do we visit and stay with them under these circumstances? I really miss my son and grandchild during the holidays, but I can't get my husband on board because he is so outraged about the bizarreness of the situation. Having a heart-to-heart with our son would definitely put him on the defense. -- WASTING TOGETHER TIME

DEAR WASTING: You aren't going to change your son or his wife, so the alternative is to accept them for who they are -- which may be vegan or vegetarian. If you decide to visit them, be prepared to stay in accommodations other than their home. Take food out of the equation and eat at your hotel or rental. If you decide to host any meals, do it at a restaurant of their choosing, and tell your husband to curb his temper. Try it next time and your visit may turn out better.

DEAR ABBY: I am not exaggerating -- my friend ALWAYS has to be number one and first. She offered to help our queen mother in the Red Hat Society hide eggs last Easter, then went to gather them all herself. She also gets mad when she doesn't win a costume contest at the senior center and hates when someone else wins a raffle.

I won't go into everything, but she MUST win at everything and be the center of attention. During the last Easter egg hunt, I tried to pull her away from the door so she couldn't see, but she eventually snuck through and won the egg hunt. I don't understand her behavior. What can I do? -- EMBARRASSED IN TEXAS

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your friend appears to have an insatiable need for attention and a willingness to cheat to achieve her goal. Nothing you can do will change her. She is who she is. What you can do, in order to lower your level of frustration, is refuse to engage with her at Easter, Halloween or any activity in which you know she won't play fair.

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful adopted son, "Allen," age 32, took his life six months ago. He had struggled with mental illness his entire adult life. He'd had a close relationship with his cousin -- in fact, the boys were inseparable. But when Allen started smoking tobacco at 13, my sister would no longer allow him around her son, even though her husband smoked. Allen was devastated.

My younger brother has a big cabin and hosts annual deer hunting events. I approached him several times to ask if Allen could be invited to the hunt or just be invited to the northern woods for fun. His answer was always "Not this time."

My husband died 11 years ago. Coming from a big family, I thought I'd get some help from them. Quite the opposite. Today, I'm left with bitter feelings toward my family. I know I'll never get over these losses or the feeling that the rejection from my siblings was part of Allen's depression. I'm not looking to mend my relationship with my siblings, just some words of comfort. -- SADDER THAN SAD IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SADDER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your son. Your family may not have included him because they didn't understand his mental illness and felt ill-equipped to cope with it. This is not to excuse the fact that they distanced themselves, but rather to try to explain why they may have kept him at arm's length.

There is support available for you in the absence of theirs so you won't feel so alone. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention could enable you to find a grief support group near you. To find one, visit afsp.org. Another terrific organization is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Visit nami.org and you will find a wealth of resources for families like yours. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I've known for 30 years. We have shared many good times together and feel like family. The problem is, she cuts me off during every phone conversation. It doesn't matter if I'm talking about the weather or something I think is important -- she interrupts me in mid-sentence and announces she has to go, for whatever reason. She has done this for years, but lately it's gotten worse.

She's in a new marriage, and we rarely talk anymore. But when we do, it's a given that as soon as I get into talking, she has to go. I never do that to her. I listen patiently and quietly while she tells me about her life. Should I just forget about our friendship and stop answering her calls? Telling her will only make her mad to the point that she won't talk to me anymore anyway. -- CUT OFF IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CUT OFF: If telling this friend how her behavior affects you will drive her away, you should definitely tell her how you feel. If, after that, she runs in the opposite direction, it will indicate that your relationship was on shaky ground and has reached its expiration date.

DEAR ABBY: I suffered an injury that caused internal bleeding, which then gave me iron deficiency anemia. I was battling its symptoms of depression and anxiety before I was diagnosed. Never having had any mental health struggles in my life, I had no idea what was happening to me. I was happy and calm my whole life until this medical condition changed my behavior considerably.

My wife of 20 years left me. I was diagnosed with the iron deficiency anemia after she had left. After the diagnosis, I was able to stop my blood loss and cure the anemia. Its symptoms went away, and I returned to my normal self.

I was sure my wife and I would reconcile after my diagnosis, but she says I was using the illness as an excuse for my behavior. She doesn't understand it was the cause. She mistakenly believes I am permanently mentally ill. She doesn't understand that these symptoms went away once the illness was cured. She says it brought out my true personality, which is not true.

My wife and family are my whole life. I didn't get this medical condition on purpose. We have a 4-year-old daughter I am a great father to. My wife is throwing away our family and trying to take my daughter away from me because I had a curable illness, which I no longer have. How can I get her to understand what happened and save our family? -- SADDEST MAN IN THE WORLD

DEAR SADDEST MAN: You can't force your wife to reconcile, but it would be beneficial to both of you to consult your physician so he or she can explain the reason for your personality change and assure her the problem is not permanent. If that doesn't help, then you will have to accept that the marriage is over for the most tragic of reasons and go on with your life. I am so sorry for your predicament.

DEAR ABBY: My husband died two years ago. It has been a struggle, but we are making it. I have two sons. One is on his own; the other is in middle school. I want to move back to my hometown, but my son wants to stay here with his friends and go to the local high school like his brother did. I don't have anything holding me here besides my job.

I am so sad and depressed. Moving back home with friends and family closer would be better for me but maybe not better for him. Losing his dad has been really hard on him. It will be four years before he finishes school. I just want to be a good mom. Please advise me. -- NOT SURE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR NOT SURE: Do not move your son while he is in his last year or two at the middle school. By then, cliques have formed, and he may find it difficult to fit in at the new school. The time to make that move would be the summer before your son's freshman year of high school, because at that time every student will be entering a new environment and be on more equal footing socially. It couldn't hurt to discuss this with a counselor at your son's school and ask for suggestions.