DEAR ABBY: While I was visiting my father-in-law, a heated conversation turned violent. My husband, "Rob," was helping his dad and a neighbor with a house project. When Rob's dad became upset at him, he lifted the power saw he was holding, turned it on and motioned toward Rob saying, "You're lucky I don't slit your throat." He said some other unkind things and we left. He has not reached out to my husband since, and Rob has deleted his phone number.

His dad sent me a text taking no responsibility for his actions and blaming Rob, which is why we have decided to cut ties for now. We have a teen daughter, and my father-in-law has also texted her. We do not want her around him, and Rob wants to instruct her not to respond. The day his father acted like this was also the one-year anniversary of the passing of his long-term girlfriend (who was more like a wife). Should we tell our daughter not to respond to his messages? -- THREATENED IN OREGON

DEAR THREATENED: Your daughter is old enough to know what is going on and to be able to respond to her grandfather's texts. (I'm not sure how you could stop her.) However, she should also be made aware that, in a moment of anger, her grandfather threatened to kill her father, which is why you have decided it is safer to keep your distance. At the least, "dear old Dad" owes his son an apology.

DEAR ABBY: Is it acceptable to put someone on speakerphone without informing them? I recently had a conversation with my younger sister about our mother's health issues. In the background, I heard someone make a comment to her about something I had said about our parents. When I asked, "Who is that?", she said it was her live-in boyfriend (of two years) and that I had been on speakerphone the entire time. I immediately ended the conversation.

Please understand that no one in our family has met or spoken to this man other than my sister. To me, he's a stranger. I felt it was inappropriate for him to listen in on our conversation whether it was a personal family issue or not. I'm not sure if "violated" is the right description for how I felt after hanging up, but it didn't sit well with me even though nothing derogatory had been said.

Am I behind the times, or did my sister make an error in judgment? I have not discussed my displeasure with her, but I plan to. My wife agrees with me but says I should drop it and be mindful of my sister's actions going forward. -- OVERHEARD IN FLORIDA

DEAR OVERHEARD: The rule of etiquette is that the person you call should ask before putting someone on speaker if someone else is present. That said, Sissy and her boyfriend have been living together for two years. I doubt she keeps secrets from him. What she hears she shares with him. The next time you want to discuss some "family business" with her, open the conversation by telling her you would like her to please not put you on speaker. Then cross your fingers and hope she complies.

DEAR ABBY: On paper, I'm an accomplished woman. I have a doctorate in Educational Leadership and had a 36-year career in education, mostly as a school administrator. I am financially stable and I have many friends. I also have an overwhelming sense of loneliness, and this is where my issues lie.

I was well accepted when I lived in the North, but since moving to Florida, I have had trouble breaking into volunteerism. It took five years before I was accepted for volunteer jobs in my community, and only because of a board member's intervention. I have been told there are no openings on certain committees until they hear my background from someone. I joined a philanthropy group, which costs me more than $1,000 a year, and as often as they ask for volunteers, I am never accepted.

Recently, there was a social event sponsored by this group. I was not invited. I learned about it only when someone offered me a ride. When I asked my doctor for the name of someone I could talk to, as the fault must lie within me, he was dismissive. I am sinking further into loneliness and don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions? -- OFF TRACK IN STUART, FL

DEAR OFF TRACK: Are you affiliated with a religious institution in your community? If so, it might benefit you to talk with the clergyperson and ask why you may have been excluded from volunteering. In most communities, there's a crying need for people to donate their time and help. If that conversation doesn't provide insight regarding the attitude toward new arrivals in town, it may be time to consider relocating to a more welcoming city, one with opportunities for folks who would like to share their time and talents.

P.S. If there are more Northerners like yourself who have been pushed aside, consider forming a group of your own and socializing with them. You might make some more wonderful friends if you do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a male, 75 years old, happily married for 45 years. We are in good health. We had two kids, a wonderful daughter who has given us two beautiful grandkids, and a son who we unfortunately lost to cancer 20 years ago.

My problem is, I have bad dreams. Sometimes, they border on nightmares and I don't understand why. If I have 100 dreams, 99 are bad. Two nights ago, I woke up screaming from one of them. I have no stress, we are financially secure and life is good.

I have spoken to two professionals about this and there are no answers to my problem. Have you heard of this and have you any advice? -- BAD NIGHTS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BAD NIGHTS: I have heard of this in connection with PTSD. With the clear understanding that I am not licensed to practice medicine (or psychotherapy) in any state of the U.S., I will share my take on what is happening to you. I have been told that dreams can be a way our unconscious tries to work out problems or trauma, which might include the untimely death of your son.

I am sorry you didn't mention what kind of doctors you have consulted about your nightmares. Some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist with expertise in the treatment of PTSD might be helpful in resolving your problem.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an only child (in my 30s now) who was raised by an emotionally and verbally abusive mother. When I wasn't her whipping post, I was an emotional crutch for her and had to assume parental tasks. Since I became an adult, she has violated my boundaries repeatedly. We just don't have a good relationship.

About 15 years ago, she injured herself at a friend's home and didn't seek medical care. She has used this injury as an excuse for not being able to do things over the years. I've wondered many times how bad it really is, or if she uses it as a reason to get others to do things for her.

Over the last six months or so, she has started doing less and less for herself. She expects my husband or me to drop everything and drive to her home to do whatever small task she has. She blames this old injury but still refuses to see a doctor for a possible better quality of life. She's fully convinced that an old friend is using black magic to make bad things happen to her.

I don't know what to do. I have no one to share the burden with. She berates my stepfather constantly, so his help is out of the question. Abby, I can't even talk to my mother about the weather, so how do I talk to her about my concerns? -- CORNERED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CORNERED: While it's suspicious that your mother has steadfastly refused to see a doctor about her life-changing injury, her reason may not be that she's faking, but a fear of doctors.

That she insists she has been hexed by someone practicing black magic is interesting. Guilt can be a powerful emotion. After what you have written about her, I wonder what she may have done to that person that makes her think so.

You should not have to be at the beck and call of a parent who mistreated you. Start researching what senior services are available in her city and county, including transportation and visits from social workers, which might take some of the burden from your shoulders. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently dined at a restaurant. Seated close to our table was a lovely couple out on a date. While scanning the menu, the man looked over at my dinner and asked me how my lamb chops were. I replied they were very good and offered to pay for the check for him and his date if they ordered the lamb chops and didn't enjoy them.

Was that inappropriate? I did not know this couple, nor was I aware of their taste in food. Also, my wife and I finished our dinner and left the restaurant before their lamb chops arrived, so if they did not enjoy them there was no way I could, post facto, make good on my offer to pay the bill. Did I do wrong? -- WONDERING IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR WONDERING: Could it have been a cocktail or the wine talking? Making an offer you were not able to follow through on was a b-a-a-a-a-d idea. Had you lingered over coffee and dessert until their food arrived, I might think otherwise. Volunteering to pay their check was above and beyond the call of duty, even if it was a nice gesture.