DEAR ABBY: My mom passed away recently, and the person I was in a relationship with from adolescence to my adulthood, "Charles," didn't attend her funeral. While I'm currently in a relationship with someone else I deeply love, I still feel my mother was fond of Charles despite our many hardships. Her affection for him showed without a doubt, many times without my involvement. Despite my resentment toward Charles, it never swayed her opinion of him.

I no longer speak to Charles. This pattern was well set before Mom's death. Because she cared for him, I think it was wrong of him not to show up to pay his respects, regardless of what our situation currently is. For the record, I didn't attend either of his parents' funerals because Charles liked to gaslight and cause drama.

Now that I'm no longer a teenager, I see him for who he really is. I thought I was in love at the time, but I realize now that I was still in the "age of innocence." While I no longer want him in my space or life, I still feel his not attending was selfish and pathetic. Are my feelings valid? -- MOURNING IN MISSOURI

DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. That said, the time has come to let go of your relationship with Charles. You wrote that you no longer want him in your life, yet you cling to your resentment of him.

Funerals are for the living. The deceased are past the point of knowing if someone attends or not. Charles may have stayed away because he knows you dislike him and felt unwelcome. Scrub him out of your head and stop living in the past. As the late Elie Wiesel once pointed out, "The opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference."

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend's 36-year-old son refuses to work. He has every excuse in the book. No job is just right for him. Without any education or training, he expects to make $20 per hour. Even then, he either quits or gets fired. He has lived off family for all of the five years I have known him. He couldn't find a job even part time last year, and never paid rent. We were forced to move.

Now we are in a 55-plus community that does NOT allow "children," and her son is hiding in the living room and porch. He has created a cell for himself. If discovered, the community can evict us. How do we get him out? -- PRISON FOR ALL IN FLORIDA

DEAR PRISON FOR ALL: The son is 36 and "hiding" in a cell he has created for himself? Is he mentally disabled? Taking drugs? After five years, it's time you and your girlfriend formed a united front and gave her son a deadline by which to find a job and move. After that deadline, he can couch surf with friends if necessary. Then cross your fingers and pray the management of the community in which you live doesn't catch on to what's been going on, or you and your girlfriend may be looking for another home as well.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I sat over lunch, reading your mom's "Definition of Maturity." It was shortly after my dad died, and reading it made me realize how lucky I had been. Those were all lessons I learned at home from my parents.

Perhaps this item is in your booklet. But could you print it in your column again for other readers to see? It's an important reminder of what to strive for. -- MARY H. IN IOWA

DEAR MARY: I am doing that with pleasure. I agree that Mama's definition of maturity is a timely reminder -- and perhaps something that people (of all ages) can learn from today.

DEFINITION OF MATURITY

Maturity is:

The ability to stick with a job until it's finished.

The ability to do a job without being supervised.

The ability to carry money without spending it.

And the ability to bear an injustice without wanting

To get even.

You were correct when you guessed that her definition of maturity is part of the "Keepers" booklet. Keepers is a collection of articles that readers suggested be put together in booklet form, many of which readers had hung onto until they were worn and yellowed with age. What resulted was a booklet that contains clever observations and items on diverse subjects, including parenting, children, aging, animals, forgiveness, and more. It can be ordered by sending your name and address plus a check or money order (U.S. funds) for $8 to Dear Abby Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Both witty and philosophical, the Keepers booklet is an inexpensive, welcome gift for newly married couples, pet lovers or anyone recovering from an illness and filled with down-to-earth nuggets of wisdom.

DEAR ABBY: In the past, my husband of 22 years traveled often for work. He had an emotional affair with a co-worker he met on one of those trips. He never saw her again. After that, he became distant and sometimes rude toward me. We went to marriage therapy, which helped.

I was recovering when one day a friend of mine told me my husband had called her and said, "I think about you." She called me immediately afterward. I am very hurt. Now it's hard for me to believe him and trust him. He had a problem in the past with pornography, but he is not doing it anymore, and he has changed jobs. Is there hope for our marriage? Can I trust him again? -- HEARTBROKEN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: There may be hope, if the two of you are able to get to the root of why your husband may be looking for something outside of your marriage. This should be done with the help of a licensed marriage and family counselor. However, you should not trust him again unless you are certain he is truly penitent.

DEAR ABBY: While I was visiting my father-in-law, a heated conversation turned violent. My husband, "Rob," was helping his dad and a neighbor with a house project. When Rob's dad became upset at him, he lifted the power saw he was holding, turned it on and motioned toward Rob saying, "You're lucky I don't slit your throat." He said some other unkind things and we left. He has not reached out to my husband since, and Rob has deleted his phone number.

His dad sent me a text taking no responsibility for his actions and blaming Rob, which is why we have decided to cut ties for now. We have a teen daughter, and my father-in-law has also texted her. We do not want her around him, and Rob wants to instruct her not to respond. The day his father acted like this was also the one-year anniversary of the passing of his long-term girlfriend (who was more like a wife). Should we tell our daughter not to respond to his messages? -- THREATENED IN OREGON

DEAR THREATENED: Your daughter is old enough to know what is going on and to be able to respond to her grandfather's texts. (I'm not sure how you could stop her.) However, she should also be made aware that, in a moment of anger, her grandfather threatened to kill her father, which is why you have decided it is safer to keep your distance. At the least, "dear old Dad" owes his son an apology.

DEAR ABBY: Is it acceptable to put someone on speakerphone without informing them? I recently had a conversation with my younger sister about our mother's health issues. In the background, I heard someone make a comment to her about something I had said about our parents. When I asked, "Who is that?", she said it was her live-in boyfriend (of two years) and that I had been on speakerphone the entire time. I immediately ended the conversation.

Please understand that no one in our family has met or spoken to this man other than my sister. To me, he's a stranger. I felt it was inappropriate for him to listen in on our conversation whether it was a personal family issue or not. I'm not sure if "violated" is the right description for how I felt after hanging up, but it didn't sit well with me even though nothing derogatory had been said.

Am I behind the times, or did my sister make an error in judgment? I have not discussed my displeasure with her, but I plan to. My wife agrees with me but says I should drop it and be mindful of my sister's actions going forward. -- OVERHEARD IN FLORIDA

DEAR OVERHEARD: The rule of etiquette is that the person you call should ask before putting someone on speaker if someone else is present. That said, Sissy and her boyfriend have been living together for two years. I doubt she keeps secrets from him. What she hears she shares with him. The next time you want to discuss some "family business" with her, open the conversation by telling her you would like her to please not put you on speaker. Then cross your fingers and hope she complies.