DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, our 40-year-old daughter, "Tanya," suddenly accused me of abusing her during her childhood. She also accused my husband, her dad, of enabling this abuse. Abby, the abuse never happened!

Could some therapist have planted these ideas in her head? Tanya has problems with alcohol (which she blames on me) and has been divorced from two wonderful men who she claims also abused her. She can't maintain friendships with women because as soon as they do something that makes Tanya mad, she cuts them off.

Our other daughter, "Nadia," is three years younger. She doesn't have an alcohol problem and has a great husband and a toddler. Tanya has cut her off as well and has never met her brother-in-law or nephew. Nadia says her childhood was idyllic. Neither child lives near us.

My husband is living with incurable cancer, which Tanya knew before she excommunicated us. I don't know if I should inform her when her father dies, or let her find out through others on Facebook. My husband and I and Nadia don't use Facebook, but relatives do, and I am sure they will make it known.

I am torn about this. Tanya has hurt all of us repeatedly for so many years that we all agree that life is more pleasant without her around us. However, I'm afraid not telling her will cause more problems. Advice? -- DAMNED BOTH WAYS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DAMNED: You stated that Tanya has "excommunicated" you, her father and her sister. She appears to be an angry and bitter woman who needs to find someone other than herself to blame for her unhappiness. She's unlikely to improve without professional help or an alcohol intervention.

When your husband passes, I'm hoping you will write her a brief letter explaining that you want her to know her father loved her. Give her the date of his passing, his obituary and the location of his final resting place. If you do, your conscience should be clear. What, if anything, she decides to do with that information is up to her.

DEAR ABBY: I had a long and wonderful marriage before my husband passed away after a lengthy illness three years ago. I have supportive friends to go to lunch and coffee with, but I miss the companionship of a special someone. One of them is a man I have known for many years. He has been a widower for more than 10 years. He has dated several women with no commitments and is always a gentleman.

Before my husband's passing, he once said if I wasn't married, he would call me. He hasn't contacted me. How can I contact him without seeming aggressive? He has said that he's pleased with his current companion because there is "no drama." Please advise how an elegant lady can call him on the phone (he doesn't use email). -- CLASSY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CLASSY: Consider this: Throw a small party and invite some of your friends to join you. Then, pick up the phone and ask this gentleman if he and his lady friend would like to join you. There is no reason you can't be friends, as long as you realize he is involved with someone else (for now).

DEAR ABBY: My mom passed away recently, and the person I was in a relationship with from adolescence to my adulthood, "Charles," didn't attend her funeral. While I'm currently in a relationship with someone else I deeply love, I still feel my mother was fond of Charles despite our many hardships. Her affection for him showed without a doubt, many times without my involvement. Despite my resentment toward Charles, it never swayed her opinion of him.

I no longer speak to Charles. This pattern was well set before Mom's death. Because she cared for him, I think it was wrong of him not to show up to pay his respects, regardless of what our situation currently is. For the record, I didn't attend either of his parents' funerals because Charles liked to gaslight and cause drama.

Now that I'm no longer a teenager, I see him for who he really is. I thought I was in love at the time, but I realize now that I was still in the "age of innocence." While I no longer want him in my space or life, I still feel his not attending was selfish and pathetic. Are my feelings valid? -- MOURNING IN MISSOURI

DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. That said, the time has come to let go of your relationship with Charles. You wrote that you no longer want him in your life, yet you cling to your resentment of him.

Funerals are for the living. The deceased are past the point of knowing if someone attends or not. Charles may have stayed away because he knows you dislike him and felt unwelcome. Scrub him out of your head and stop living in the past. As the late Elie Wiesel once pointed out, "The opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference."

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend's 36-year-old son refuses to work. He has every excuse in the book. No job is just right for him. Without any education or training, he expects to make $20 per hour. Even then, he either quits or gets fired. He has lived off family for all of the five years I have known him. He couldn't find a job even part time last year, and never paid rent. We were forced to move.

Now we are in a 55-plus community that does NOT allow "children," and her son is hiding in the living room and porch. He has created a cell for himself. If discovered, the community can evict us. How do we get him out? -- PRISON FOR ALL IN FLORIDA

DEAR PRISON FOR ALL: The son is 36 and "hiding" in a cell he has created for himself? Is he mentally disabled? Taking drugs? After five years, it's time you and your girlfriend formed a united front and gave her son a deadline by which to find a job and move. After that deadline, he can couch surf with friends if necessary. Then cross your fingers and pray the management of the community in which you live doesn't catch on to what's been going on, or you and your girlfriend may be looking for another home as well.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I sat over lunch, reading your mom's "Definition of Maturity." It was shortly after my dad died, and reading it made me realize how lucky I had been. Those were all lessons I learned at home from my parents.

Perhaps this item is in your booklet. But could you print it in your column again for other readers to see? It's an important reminder of what to strive for. -- MARY H. IN IOWA

DEAR MARY: I am doing that with pleasure. I agree that Mama's definition of maturity is a timely reminder -- and perhaps something that people (of all ages) can learn from today.

DEFINITION OF MATURITY

Maturity is:

The ability to stick with a job until it's finished.

The ability to do a job without being supervised.

The ability to carry money without spending it.

And the ability to bear an injustice without wanting

To get even.

You were correct when you guessed that her definition of maturity is part of the "Keepers" booklet. Keepers is a collection of articles that readers suggested be put together in booklet form, many of which readers had hung onto until they were worn and yellowed with age. What resulted was a booklet that contains clever observations and items on diverse subjects, including parenting, children, aging, animals, forgiveness, and more. It can be ordered by sending your name and address plus a check or money order (U.S. funds) for $8 to Dear Abby Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

Both witty and philosophical, the Keepers booklet is an inexpensive, welcome gift for newly married couples, pet lovers or anyone recovering from an illness and filled with down-to-earth nuggets of wisdom.

DEAR ABBY: In the past, my husband of 22 years traveled often for work. He had an emotional affair with a co-worker he met on one of those trips. He never saw her again. After that, he became distant and sometimes rude toward me. We went to marriage therapy, which helped.

I was recovering when one day a friend of mine told me my husband had called her and said, "I think about you." She called me immediately afterward. I am very hurt. Now it's hard for me to believe him and trust him. He had a problem in the past with pornography, but he is not doing it anymore, and he has changed jobs. Is there hope for our marriage? Can I trust him again? -- HEARTBROKEN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: There may be hope, if the two of you are able to get to the root of why your husband may be looking for something outside of your marriage. This should be done with the help of a licensed marriage and family counselor. However, you should not trust him again unless you are certain he is truly penitent.