DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have known each other for 25 years. We married five years ago. At that time, I was making 500-mile round trips twice a month to visit my children from my first marriage. I was, and still am, crazy about her.

However, two years ago, my wife admitted to a long-term romantic affair with a married man who has two children. She also admitted that she was waiting for him to leave his wife, and that he was waiting for her to leave me before moving in and eventually moving away together, and perhaps marrying.

Shortly after this came out, she became critically ill. She requires 24-hour care, and I have been at her side, monitoring her health and taking her blood pressure. She flatlined once at the hospital, and if I hadn't been in the room at the time, she would have died.

My wife refuses to give me any details about the affair. There have been signs that she may still be in touch with him, and I think his wife should know. She becomes hysterical at that suggestion, which raises her blood pressure dangerously high. I feel trapped. I fear that if I leave her, she would have no one to care for her and might die. What do you advise? -- DEEP IN THE DRAMA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DEEP: You are no more trapped than you wish to be. There can be no marriage without trust. If your wife were truly contrite about her affair, she would tell you everything. Because you think she may still be in contact with her lover, and in light of the fact that she refuses to come clean, discuss this with an attorney who can explain to you what your responsibilities would be if you were to divorce her after five years of marriage. You should not be forced to be her caregiver under these circumstances.

DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old grandson, "Lucas," and I are very close. His mother (my daughter) allowed me to have him any time I wanted. I would even take him on vacation with me. When he was going into first grade, his mom informed me she was going into rehab, so he started living with me. Lucas is now in sixth grade and back living with his mom.

My daughter has two other boys and lives with their father. Lucas' dad is not in his life. I have always been there for him. She isn't a bad mom, but Lucas doesn't like living with her. My daughter now plans to move 40 minutes away and transfer Lucas to a new school. I'm very worried for him. I'm the reason he has a social life. He has been in Boy Scouts with the same boys for five years. What am I to do? Let him go? -- BESIDE MYSELF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR BESIDE MYSELF: Unless you can convince your daughter to agree to allow Lucas to stay with you so he can remain socially active with his peer group, I think you have no choice but to let him go. Sixth and seventh grades are a difficult time for a child to start a new school because cliques have usually formed by then. You are a caring grandparent, and I wish you luck. Start campaigning now.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, I was diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). It manifests itself with sudden outbursts of anger when I'm stressed, which is often. I have three sisters, two of whom are bossy and try to take over and control every little thing. I have always had a difficult relationship with one of them. When she stresses me out, I tend to blow up at her easily.

The other day, we were in a stressful situation, and I blew up at her. I later apologized and explained about my anxiety. She replied that it wasn't my anxiety but that I want to be the boss and don't want to accept her help with anything. She then proceeded to order me to do certain things the way she wanted them done.

I want to cut ties with her because of how she affects my mental health and sanity. But, after all, she's my sister, and there are situations in which I will have to be around her. Please advise. -- ANXIETY-RIDDEN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR ANXIETY-RIDDEN: You aren't going to change your sister. Her compulsion to control is ingrained in her. Avoid her as much as possible. However, if there are situations in which you can't do that, be polite and keep some distance. Do not argue with her, and remember: Just because someone tells you to do something does not mean you have to do it.

Having been diagnosed with GAD, I hope you realize there are treatments for it -- medication and talk therapy. If your condition affects your other relationships, consider talking about it with the medical professional who gave you that diagnosis.

DEAR ABBY: I am 29, and I lost my dad last year. I am writing to ask how I can help my 5-year-old understand death better. He misses his grandpa so much that he cries. Sometimes he tells me he remembers a lot about my dad, and other times he tells me he doesn't. I am very worried that he is suppressing his memories of my father, and I don't want him to.

My son has a lot of good memories from when he was younger. I tried to show him pictures of my dad and him together, but tonight he mixed up his memories of him with another grandpa. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't open up. How can I get him to open up to me and start remembering? -- REMEMBERING IN INDIANA

DEAR REMEMBERING: Your son is 5. Of course he misses his grandfather. But expecting him to cling to every memory of the short time they spent together is unrealistic, regardless of how much you wish it. You could benefit from discussing this with a child psychologist.

You cannot force the boy to remember, and trying to do that or make him feel guilty could actually be harmful. Books have been written for children on the subject of death. Please consider getting one or more for your boy.

DEAR ABBY: My brother (eight years younger) has been hooked on drugs and in and out of jail for decades. Our father passed away five years ago. My brother lived with him in a different state until then. Prior to that, he stole from our mother and from me repeatedly.

He's a criminal and is currently in jail. When he's not in jail, he is homeless. Of course, the only time we hear from him is when he needs money. To top it off, my special-needs son recently passed away. Of course, my wife and I are devastated, although we have come to terms with the fact that he is in a better place.

With my brother back in jail, the focus has gone back to him. I have always tried to be a good brother, but I have now completely washed my hands of him. At this point, I need peace in my life, and as long as he is in mine, I will never have it. This crushes my mother, but it's how I feel. Right or wrong, I don't feel that just because someone is family, it gives them the right to make others miserable. I would love to know your thoughts on this. -- BETTER BROTHER IN FLORIDA

DEAR BROTHER: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved son. That you feel you cannot handle the added stress of interacting with or supporting your drug-addicted brother (who has stolen from you) is understandable.

Do not allow your mother to guilt you into doing anything with which you are uncomfortable. If your mother decides to take him in when he's released, caution her to first remove any items of value from her home.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, a former friend, "Karla," offered me a nice oak side chair of hers. Karla said she had no use for it and assured me she wouldn't want it back. I accepted the chair and have used it since then.

When it was given to me, the back cushion was missing and the seat cushion was hard. After a couple of years, I bought nice fabric and had the chair repaired and reupholstered. It cost me $175. If I had thought the chair was on loan only, I wouldn't have done that. I sent her a pic of the finished improvements, and she replied that it looked nice.

A year later, she abruptly ended our friendship. She was angry with me because I had confused her airport arrival time and she had to wait an hour. Twice I apologized profusely, but Karla has not responded. (That was 14 months ago.)

Ten days ago, I received a text from one of her friends, telling me Karla wants me to return the chair she "let me borrow." The friend wanted to know when I could deliver it. I'm completely taken aback. She gave it to me! What is your take on this pickle? -- BAFFLED IN TEXAS

DEAR BAFFLED: Ignore the text. If Karla wants the chair returned, she should ask you herself. If she does, and if you agree to it, be sure she repays in cash the money you spent to have the chair refurbished.