DEAR ABBY: This is the third time I have received a gift of a political book from my brother-in-law! We are poles apart politically. It came with a message to "please read the book this time." He is expecting a book report and discussion of the book when he next visits.

He started doing this several years ago after my sister died. She used to keep him politically in check, but he has become increasingly obnoxious and emboldened. I have tried tactfully responding that I do not enjoy reading political books, that I do not approve of name-calling, that those who disagree with us are not "stupid" and we just need to accept our differing viewpoints.

There is no way to have a rational political discussion with him. I'm trying to preserve family unity, which is very important to me. My brother wants to threaten him to stop harassing me. My son and his wife suggested sending him things that reflect MY political philosophy.

What do you think I should do? I waver between anger and laughter. By the way, I sent him a box of chocolate chip cookies, which he loves, for the holidays. -- HARASSED IN OHIO

DEAR HARASSED: Your brother-in-law is not going to change. Unless you are willing to tolerate his political browbeating into eternity, return the book and "postpone" his next visit indefinitely. Continue sending him his chocolate chip cookies only if he agrees to quit sending you political literature. Family unity may be important to you, but your late sister's husband has distanced himself, and that is no one's fault but his own.

DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with a man who is nine years younger than I am. He's a musician who plays bass guitar in several bands. I am retired. I love going out dancing with him and being social with other friends. I met him at a social club a year and a half ago. He works during the week at a fast-food place. Some weekends, he goes away on gigs with the band. He's been married four times. (I have been married only once.)

My problem is, he never has any money. He is always struggling to pay his bills. I have invested in this relationship with concert tickets, hotels, etc. He pays only occasionally. I haven't even received a birthday or Christmas gift from him. I, of course, gave him both.

I think he's cheap. I feel sorry for him that he's a grown man and doesn't have his own place. I have taken breaks from him a couple of times because I know he's not going to change, and I need to move on. Please advise. -- ALWAYS HOPING FOR MORE

DEAR ALWAYS HOPING: The question you must answer for yourself is how much "entertainment tax" you are willing to pay for the pleasure of this wandering minstrel's company. You foot the bills for his and your entertainment because it is part of your "unwritten contract," and he expects it.

This four-times-married man has chosen a career he loves but that notoriously doesn't pay well. You know who he is. Have you spoken to him about your feelings on this? If you haven't, do it now. And if this arrangement no longer suits you, move on.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have known each other for 25 years. We married five years ago. At that time, I was making 500-mile round trips twice a month to visit my children from my first marriage. I was, and still am, crazy about her.

However, two years ago, my wife admitted to a long-term romantic affair with a married man who has two children. She also admitted that she was waiting for him to leave his wife, and that he was waiting for her to leave me before moving in and eventually moving away together, and perhaps marrying.

Shortly after this came out, she became critically ill. She requires 24-hour care, and I have been at her side, monitoring her health and taking her blood pressure. She flatlined once at the hospital, and if I hadn't been in the room at the time, she would have died.

My wife refuses to give me any details about the affair. There have been signs that she may still be in touch with him, and I think his wife should know. She becomes hysterical at that suggestion, which raises her blood pressure dangerously high. I feel trapped. I fear that if I leave her, she would have no one to care for her and might die. What do you advise? -- DEEP IN THE DRAMA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DEEP: You are no more trapped than you wish to be. There can be no marriage without trust. If your wife were truly contrite about her affair, she would tell you everything. Because you think she may still be in contact with her lover, and in light of the fact that she refuses to come clean, discuss this with an attorney who can explain to you what your responsibilities would be if you were to divorce her after five years of marriage. You should not be forced to be her caregiver under these circumstances.

DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old grandson, "Lucas," and I are very close. His mother (my daughter) allowed me to have him any time I wanted. I would even take him on vacation with me. When he was going into first grade, his mom informed me she was going into rehab, so he started living with me. Lucas is now in sixth grade and back living with his mom.

My daughter has two other boys and lives with their father. Lucas' dad is not in his life. I have always been there for him. She isn't a bad mom, but Lucas doesn't like living with her. My daughter now plans to move 40 minutes away and transfer Lucas to a new school. I'm very worried for him. I'm the reason he has a social life. He has been in Boy Scouts with the same boys for five years. What am I to do? Let him go? -- BESIDE MYSELF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR BESIDE MYSELF: Unless you can convince your daughter to agree to allow Lucas to stay with you so he can remain socially active with his peer group, I think you have no choice but to let him go. Sixth and seventh grades are a difficult time for a child to start a new school because cliques have usually formed by then. You are a caring grandparent, and I wish you luck. Start campaigning now.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, I was diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). It manifests itself with sudden outbursts of anger when I'm stressed, which is often. I have three sisters, two of whom are bossy and try to take over and control every little thing. I have always had a difficult relationship with one of them. When she stresses me out, I tend to blow up at her easily.

The other day, we were in a stressful situation, and I blew up at her. I later apologized and explained about my anxiety. She replied that it wasn't my anxiety but that I want to be the boss and don't want to accept her help with anything. She then proceeded to order me to do certain things the way she wanted them done.

I want to cut ties with her because of how she affects my mental health and sanity. But, after all, she's my sister, and there are situations in which I will have to be around her. Please advise. -- ANXIETY-RIDDEN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR ANXIETY-RIDDEN: You aren't going to change your sister. Her compulsion to control is ingrained in her. Avoid her as much as possible. However, if there are situations in which you can't do that, be polite and keep some distance. Do not argue with her, and remember: Just because someone tells you to do something does not mean you have to do it.

Having been diagnosed with GAD, I hope you realize there are treatments for it -- medication and talk therapy. If your condition affects your other relationships, consider talking about it with the medical professional who gave you that diagnosis.

DEAR ABBY: I am 29, and I lost my dad last year. I am writing to ask how I can help my 5-year-old understand death better. He misses his grandpa so much that he cries. Sometimes he tells me he remembers a lot about my dad, and other times he tells me he doesn't. I am very worried that he is suppressing his memories of my father, and I don't want him to.

My son has a lot of good memories from when he was younger. I tried to show him pictures of my dad and him together, but tonight he mixed up his memories of him with another grandpa. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't open up. How can I get him to open up to me and start remembering? -- REMEMBERING IN INDIANA

DEAR REMEMBERING: Your son is 5. Of course he misses his grandfather. But expecting him to cling to every memory of the short time they spent together is unrealistic, regardless of how much you wish it. You could benefit from discussing this with a child psychologist.

You cannot force the boy to remember, and trying to do that or make him feel guilty could actually be harmful. Books have been written for children on the subject of death. Please consider getting one or more for your boy.