DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband makes comments to sales clerks, waitresses, etc., that I think are unpleasant jabs to make them uncomfortable. He says he's "just joking," and I'm being neurotic and spoiling his fun.

If a salesgirl says, "This is at a special price today," he'll say, "Oh, will it be cheaper tomorrow?" If a waiter recommends a dish, he'll reply, "But you've never had it, have you?" The response he usually gets is an awkward silence.

The other night, our waitress said, "My name is Brandy," and when a dinner guest said, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," she said, "Brandy -- you know, like the alcohol." My husband said, "Oh, well, I'll have some liquor."

Our 15-year-old daughter became visibly upset at what she called his flirtatious behavior. She said he was being rude to me. I said he wasn't flirting, but embarrassing the waitress. He got angry at both of us, and he told us we were being ridiculous, and that he was "just joking."

I realize the sales people, etc., haven't heard these things before, and that I'm angry because I hear them repeatedly. I think it's mean-spirited to put people off balance. Please answer this -- he obviously doesn't care about upsetting me or his daughter. Should we just try to go along with all of it, or does our discomfort have any validity?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is afraid that she must break it to you that you are operating from two mistaken premises:

1. That the waitresses, sales clerks and such have not heard these remarks before. Of course they have. Their silence means that they are too weary to reply once again.

2. That someone who is under the impression that rote jokes are witty and is unmoved at upsetting his wife and daughter is ever going to stop unless he goes too far and an offended waitress belts him. Maybe not even then, as he will only complain that she has no sense of humor.

Miss Manners is sorry to have to acknowledge that your choice is therefore to ignore what he does or to ignore his dinner invitations. She hopes it helps to know that yes indeed, your discomfort has validity; Miss Manners finds the gentleman tiresome, and she hasn't even met him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A new tenant recently moved into the apartment below mine and has hung a set of wind chimes outside. The chimes are high-pitched and echo annoyingly. They are driving me crazy! Are there any etiquette rules on the chimes? How can I tell her the constant ringing in my ears is driving me batty without causing tension with someone I see on a weekly, if not daily, basis?

GENTLE READER: You could try this: "There's a peculiar noise in this area, and I wonder if it's bothering you, too. Strangest thing -- high-pitched, with an echo. I hear it every time I open my windows, and can't imagine what it could be."

No? Miss Manners doesn't think so, either. There is no reason one neighbor can't register such a trivial problem with another, provided that it is done in an apologetic, rather than an accusatory way. "I'm sorry but I'm afraid I find your chimes distracting" rather than "Those stupid things are driving me crazy."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I share a house with three friends. The problem is that one of our number has recently split up with a long-term boyfriend and has taken to one-night stands by way of consolation. Two of us are actively disturbed by her activities (her ex-boyfriend had his own flat). None of us care for the idea of having those who are complete strangers to all of us in our home by night, and we are somewhat concerned about security. What can we say?

GENTLE READER: How about: "None of us cares for the idea of having complete strangers in our home at night -- besides which it scares us half to death."

You will forgive Miss Manners for rewording your statement (including prissily treating "none" as taking the singular verb), but she found it puzzlingly diffident. Why shouldn't people who share a house voice their concerns and make rules about guests and safety?

Truthfully, she suspects that she does know why you are hanging back. It's because this involves what we shall euphemistically and inaccurately call someone's love life. You probably subscribe to the cult of nonjudgmentalism, which forbids any mention of disapproval in such matters. If it were a question of your roommate's leaving dirty dishes in the sink, you would probably be forceful enough.

Among roommates, everyone's love life, no matter how chaste, is likely to affect the others in several ways unconnected with morality. Danger and having to listen to outpourings of heartbreak may be two, but what about a gentleman who helped himself to the groceries or poached your software? Or was lounging around the living room every night?

The use of space and resources in the house are the concern of all of you. Miss Manners is afraid that you three will simply have to require your heartbroken roommate to seek such consolation off the premises.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have very long, well-taken-care-of hair. The issue is this: Whenever I go out in public, complete strangers walk up to me and start playing with my hair, raking their fingers through it, or even pulling it to see if it's real. What would be an appropriate way to tell them to stop without making anyone feel uncomfortable?

GENTLE READER: The correct thing to say when a stranger grabs you by the hair is "HELP!"

If you sincerely want to make such a person feel comfortable, you could instead say, "Mmmmm," but Miss Manners regrets to tell you that this will not encourage anyone to stop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to do when you go to a wake where the family has requested "in lieu of flowers, please donate to this organization..." and the organization goes against your beliefs?

I was at a wake where I was asked to contribute to an organization that is highly discriminatory. I opted to buy flowers anyway, and I was questioned three times as to why I didn't donate. I cannot go against my beliefs, but I want to be supportive of a family in need. What is the right thing to do?

GENTLE READER: The right things to do for bereaved people are to attend the funeral, write a letter of sympathy and offer whatever companionship and practical help is appropriate to the relationship. Flowers and donations are nice, but Miss Manners assures you that they are optional extras. Not only are you not required to do either, but they do not excuse you from the basic duties.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to sever a business relationship that has an aspect of friendship to it?

For the last two years, I have been paying a woman to give me once-a-week private riding lessons. We hit it off nicely when we first met, as we have several things in common besides horses. But now, for two reasons, I'd like to "move on."

The first reason is that I feel I've gone just about as far as I can go under her instruction, and I would like to employ a more demanding and precise instructor.

The second reason is touchier. Although we get along well, not only does this woman like to talk, she likes to talk about her personal problems, endlessly and in great detail. And she has plenty of problems to choose from: myriad health concerns, a crumbling marriage, troubled teen-age kids, and fights with other clients, to name a few.

At first, I didn't mind chatting while getting the horse ready, or cooling down after the lesson, but the lessons have now turned into near-marathon monologues on her part, with me making as few comments as possible. I view my lesson as the sole time in my week when I can put my problems aside and concentrate on the horse. Apparently she's come to view it as a time for her to unload.

I don't think it'd be right to just "disappear." I do like the woman, and if I just went elsewhere, she'd eventually find out through the grapevine. Also, I know that she's lost at least two other clients due to her excess personal gab. Am I doing her a disservice by not telling her the truth? (I dread doing this, because I know how upset she gets over any criticism, real or perceived.)

I thought of using two instructors at once (not uncommon), but frankly, I've come to dread her lessons rather than anticipate them. Suggesting we get together for a drink and a chat isn't very feasible, as she lives nearly an hour away, I have small children, etc.

I'm sure other readers have had similar problems with hairdressers, house cleaners, and so on, and could use some advice on how to extricate oneself as painlessly as possible.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has never believed that the heart-to-heart talk was the answer to everything, and would hardly recommend attempting one with someone known to nurse grievances and to do all the talking.

Besides, what outcome do you expect? She may promise to keep quiet, which would probably only postpone the problem and fails to address your need for more rigorous instruction. More likely from your description, she is going to be hurt and you will either find yourself trying to comfort her by staying on, or switching from being the confidant for her grievances to being a featured meanie in her outpourings to others.

You are not obliged to give a reason for switching your patronage from one business person to another, and should do so only when you think it is likely to be more helpful than you expect it to be here. To avoid this, start out saying instead what you have enjoyed and appreciated and then thank her but announce that it is time for you to move on. If asked why, thank her again but reply, "Oh, it's just time."

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