DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was stunned when I had my family and two adult children over for an informal Sunday evening dinner, and my 60-year-old sister popped a tape in and put her earphones on her head when she sat down at the dinner table. The rest of the family were staring at each other in disbelief. Isn't it incredibly rude behavior to have on earphones at the dinner table?

GENTLE READER: Just because it demonstrates that nothing anyone present says could possibly be worth hearing, and that spending time with you and yours will be boring unless she brings her own entertainment? Well, yes, Miss Manners would say so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents will be celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary, which I think is a great accomplishment compared to the marriage statistics of this day and age. In light of this great event, my brother (who is a recent newlywed) and myself (still single) would like to have a small dinner gathering to celebrate my parents' anniversary at a local restaurant as a surprise.

My brother and I would like to make this event as special as possible, but because of my mother's battle with cancer and unknowable health status by that time, we are unable to plan a large, pre-paid party. Although my mother is only 52, her physicians have given her limited time, and we're unable to make distant time plans for things.

My brother and I are only going to be inviting close family and a few friends, totally no more than 15 to 20 people including us. We want to know what the proper wording would be on the invitations, so as to not offend anyone, but to kindly let them know that we are unable to pay for everyone's dinner tab individually. I'm sure they wouldn't mind paying, but I want to properly inform them of this at the same time as not to offend.

I realize some people may think this to be rude, but to us it is no different than people informing wedding party guests of not allowing children at the wedding in an appropriate way.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is one of those people. There is a huge and crucial difference between deciding whom to invite and deciding who should pay. You do no honor to your parents by risking offending the people they most care about. What a surprise that would be.

Surely the part that would please them most is to have a gathering of their friends, and the lavishness of the meal is incidental. An afternoon tea party is one of the most charming party forms there is, and tea and cake would cost you next to nothing. This would also have the advantages of not unduly tiring your mother, and of being easily postponed if that turned out to be better for her.

But then again, they are your parents, and if you think going to that restaurant is more important than the company, you and your brother -- who were presumably not going to slip your own food costs into other people's bills -- could simply take them out at the same cost without delving into anyone else's money.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a cleaning lady, and I also clean my church. My problem is that when I go to someone's home for a social occasion where I'm invited as a guest, I'm expected to help serve and clean up.

I had one lady hand me a dish towel when I came in, and I was told to wipe off glasses and fix the drinks while she visited with her guests. I don't mind helping, but I think if you are an invited guest, you shouldn't be expected to serve. How can I tell them nicely that I would like to be treated like the others?

GENTLE READER: It is true that Miss Manners is in the business of putting sticky statements nicely, but suddenly she doesn't feel so nice.

What these people are doing is outrageous. This is not helping a friend, as a guest may volunteer -- but not be conscripted -- to do. This is using a social pretext to get your professional services free.

Miss Manners has three suggestions for you, all of them polite but firm statements to deliver in a pleasant manner. Frankly, she is hoping you will choose the third.

1. "Oh, my goodness, I misunderstood; I didn't realize you wanted to hire me for the evening. Let me tell you what I charge."

2. "I'm afraid you had better ask one of the other guests to help. I do this for a living, as you know, and so when I accept an invitation to go out, it's only to relax."

3. "You know, I've been doing this sort of thing all week, and suddenly I find that I'm tired. You will excuse me, but I think I will go home now to rest. Here's your dishtowel. Have a pleasant evening."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a friend of mine I've known since grade school phones me and I say hello, she will quite often say, "Are you all right? You don't sound so good." And then she laughs.

I do not call her anymore because I think she gets a kick from asking me that, then the laugh. I'm always taken aback, because I do not know what to say other than to explain that I feel fine and there's nothing wrong, and I've grown tired of explaining myself. (I did have cancer three years ago, but it's in remission.)

What can I say as a comeback? I thought she would get the message when I quit calling her, but she continues to call me.

GENTLE READER: Could we please assume that the laugh is a nervous laugh? Miss Manners doesn't feel up to dealing with the possibility of its being a shriek of pleasure at presuming to find you ill.

It is still rude to announce to people how they feel, rather than to ask them and wait for the answer, but at least it is not malicious. The cure is to say, "Oh, I'm fine, except that I'm worried about you. Are you all right?" This is not intended as a comeback so much as an opportunity for you to illustrate the point that not all shows of concern are comforting, and to set an example by accepting her answer at face value.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and I always seem to be attending a funeral service. Sometimes this takes time and effort to do. This is a large city, and we sometimes drive 10 miles to the mortuary.

We do not expect a thank you note for our efforts, but my sister-in-law doesn't want to bother, so she picks up the phone and orders flowers, and she gets the thank you note. In other words, thoughtfulness and effort doesn't count.

GENTLE READER: Of course they do. It just so happens that your thoughtfulness and efforts are directed at the only people who are automatically excused -- even by Miss Manners -- from writing thank you letters. Your sister-in-law has directed hers at people who, like the rest of us, are not excused, even though it is a difficult time for them.

To attend a funeral is to pay your respects to the person who died. This may also be a comfort to the bereaved, but that is an extra benefit. You also owe a duty toward them, which can take the form of writing a letter of sympathy or paying a condolence visit, sending flowers or bringing food, and offering whatever practical help you can. Miss Manners is glad to hear that as a family, you are both paying respect and offering comfort, but she would prefer to hear that each of you is doing both.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Say there is a man in our town who wants to be friendly with us. Say we have long ago decided he is someone to run from. If he calls and invites us to dinner on a Saturday, it is, of course, simple to declare that we are otherwise occupied. When he then says, "Anytime next weekend, " we can claim a trip out of town, or visitors, or whatever. But then, being told we can't make it, he says, "Then you choose a night to come."

I think two rules apply here; from the postmark you will know I am southern, and with that territory comes the wish to never be rude to anyone. That's one; but the second is that I also don't allow myself to be tyrannized into going somewhere I don't want to go. My husband is in complete agreement but says he must leave to me the details. What, then, can I say?

GENTLE READER: It is the wish of all decent people everywhere never to be rude, or so Miss Manners dearly wants to believe. That it is the wish of all people everywhere to get rid of pests is something she does believe.

The direct method is rude, so that is out. Nice people don't go around saying, "Go away, we'll never be so desperate as to find free time to spend time with you, not even if you were the last person on earth."

So we have the indirect method you have described. When that fails, as it has in this case, we do not revert to the direct method -- "What's the matter, don't you get it?" -- but get even more indirect.

You need a pass that is good for the year, not just for a day or a weekend, and that is, "Oh, dear, I'm afraid we really are much too busy, and I just can't schedule anything more. You are very kind to ask us. Why don't we call you if we find we're free, after all?"

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